Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Unknown
I recently read two really great articles on grief and loss.  One was from the New York Times and the other from facebook that a dear work friend (I believe I have mentioned her before-Miss Sassy Pants I think is her code name).  They talked about how there is both the expectation of grief and how others see/help.  Then there is reality.  Reality around here sucks folks.

I wish my blog didn't have to turn into this emo place about me talking about how life sucks right now, but you know what-that is f-ing life for me right now.  I have had sympathy for people who have lost a loved one before.  I have felt really bad, and in some cases heartbroken.  Good friends, students, co-workers have all lost very close loved ones.  I felt for them, I tried to help in any way I could.  It wasn't until I have experienced my own "real" loss that I have realized my sympathy wasn't really "getting" it.  I thought I could empathize with them.....I was wrong.  Now looking back at those people in my life who have lost loved ones-Miss Sassy Pants, My Sister Wife (who works with my husband), other co-workers, and students-I don't know how they did it.  They made it look easy-like they were ok.  Now what I am realizing is they weren't ok-they were doing what I am.  Faking it.

I spent a lot of time in therapy working on embracing my feelings and not trying to cover up my feelings.  Well right now that is sort of what I have to do in order to function.  I have to have some sort of wall up-a protection from the full brunt of this loss.  Almost like a band aid or padding on a huge wound. Even with it on there, there are movements where I move the wrong way the pain strikes-fierce and sharp.  There is no way I can take the bandage off right now-its not healed enough.   The pain would be too much to handle-little bits here and there I can take-but its not ready for no padding yet.  When-I don't know, but someday.

Sometimes those movements come when having a flash back of my ride to the hospital or what happened there, sometimes its seeing a picture of my dad, or its seeing the last text message he sent me on my phone that I can't bring myself to delete (it was a wonderful picture of Dylan from his last soccer game), or often its when my children say how much miss they their grandfather.  


I sometimes feel just like my daughter Miss J.  Today, like many days when my mom comes to bring the kids to school.  Miss J wakes up when the dogs bark to of course notify us that my mom is here.  She frantically calls for me-looks at me and ask me ever so hopefully who is here to bring her to school.  When I answer Noni and Aunty Betty or Grandma and Papa she looks instantly heartbroken when she realizes that Grandpa isn't here (for those who don't know my dad has brought the kids to school or taken care of Josie almost every day of her whole life).  It breaks my heart to tell her my dad isn't here-its like I am ripping off her band aid and its ugly. Reality for us right now is just that a letdown-its ugly and not pretty. 

In a way I feel bad for all those people who I thought were ok after experiencing their losses-because they seemed fine.  Well in theory I am fine too.  I get up, I go to work, I talk to friends, coworkers, family, I am a mom to my kids, I lead a somewhat productive life.  I am able to do this because I keep my wound very tightly guarded.  Unfortunately it makes me feel distant-from my husband, friends, coworkers-especially those who do not "get" this loss.  

It makes interacting sometimes hard-as I can only fake it so much.  It make quiet time hard for me.  I have to read in bed until the moment I am ready to fall asleep-otherwise I won't sleep.  Christmas vacation was tough because I wasn't busy enough to make myself tired enough and I had time to be quiet and reflect.  Letting down the wall a little was good-but hard.

I am sure it is hard for those who love me to know how/what to do with me.  I seem somewhat ok-but they know I am not.  I guess to those in my real life I would say hang in there.  I still need you in my life.  Maybe I just need you in a different way.  Maybe I need you to cut me some slack.  I need you to be patient in that it is hard for me to make decisions because I have a hard time thinking.  I often feel child like in my inability to act or do things that I could easily do.  I need you understand that right now I need happy things, light things-I can't really do drama or negativity.  Hell I can't read or watch things-its like hitting the wound.  To actually deal with hurt or negativity  in my real life is unmanageable at best.

The reality of this whole thing is overwhelming and hard to manage.  I hate to say but I think a lot of this blog is going to be me rambling my way through my grief.  I get if people don't want to read it.  I wouldn't want to....then again I never got it until now.  Reality is shitty folks.  But this is mine and I am managing my way through it the best I can.  



Unknown
Ok so this post is totally going to be rambling one that is more for me to vent then anything else.  I won’t go into too many details because I don’t want to talk about the details too much.

So here is a little background.  I have a good friend (One who is much younger than me) who I found out is having their first child.  Since they are younger and not exactly ready to have a baby (lets be honest no one is really ready) I have really tried to be supportive and a cheerleader for my friend as they start this huge life event.  I know personally how hard motherhood was when I was 26, married, and financially settled.  I really decided I wanted to be a support for them since I know that good support in their life is often non-existent. 

Well I found out randomly though the grape vine that perhaps what I just assumed was an unplanned (yet always welcomed) baby might have been actually planned.  My first reaction was outrage followed by need to know.  This friend was not prepared job, housing, or even medically (no pre prenatal care or drs visits) to have a child.  Then my reaction was I wanted to know if this was true.  I wanted to know because I felt sort of foolish that I was so worried about this friend and their fiancĂ©.  If this was something that was planned and had I known that I might have done things differently-or felt differently.

Then my husband-the one who brings me clarity and sanity looks at me and says. “Its not your f-ing business, and it doesn’t change the end-X is having a baby and you will still be there”  Then it hit me, he was right (despite how much I hate to admit that). 

This was none of my business; I would never ask the friend that is my age that question.  I also know it wouldn’t change the fact that I know my friend needs me for this big moment in their life and that even when planned parenthood is a crazy ride that you need all hands on deck for.  Because I know that our friendship often has a mother/child feel to it there is that part of me that still wants to know.  I think so I could be mad…. or maybe even more sad and worried then I am for them. 

I don’t want anyone reading this thinking I am saying my friend won’t be a good parent…of course they will.  They are excited to be welcoming this child into the world and doing everything they need to.  I think it is just the experience of knowing what it takes to raise a child when you have a good job, and a place to live, and financial security-I can’t imagine doing with without all of those things. 

Yet, then again as my hubby reminded me that is not my business.  It goes back to a post a made a long time ago. By being upset, by wanting to know, in a way I am judging them.  I am judging their choice.  Lets be honest here…in today’s day and age both consciously choosing to have a child and not using protection to prevent having a child is really not that different.  This friend has been through a lot in their life and I can honestly say has lived more of a “life” at their younger age then I have at mine.  Maybe this needs to be a case where I just follow my original gut instinct, the one I had when I found out this friend was expecting and that was to support them no matter what

In the end the truth is sort of irrelevant because come holiday time there will be a beautiful new baby to love and spoil.  A wee one whose mom and dad will still need a helping hand as all-new parents do…. and an occasional baby sitter who will steal that cute baby for snuggles!  I can’t wait for the baby snuggles…. because in the end it won’t matter whom they got here…just that they are here. So yeah...I guess the truth really isn't that important