Ok so I am sure a lot of people are like what the hell with this title so let me just get right to it.  Last school year was shit....plain and simple.  I have spent a lot of time this summer reflecting on what exactly made this school year so bad and how can I fix that for this coming one.  I am not stupid I know some of the stress and crappy stuff I can not fix and just have to deal with.  Yet, there are things that made last school year bad that I could have handled differently etc.  Then last week I realized a former co-worker not someone I considered a dear friend but someone I was friendly with had unfriended me.  Now lets be real here, I work in high school I am not in high school.  I am under no dilution that we all are BFF's for life and bull like that.  Yet it stung.  That person unfriending me stung.

Now at first I thought this was because I have a constant need to be liked...so I figured that was why I was upset.  But when I was sitting (technically driving) I realized why it stung.  I think perhaps this was deserved.  Now I don't believe I did anything mean, bad, awful to this person but I don't think I was not the best person I could be...which leads me back to how this ties into my reflections of the last school year.

I have always liked to be like....I am just that girl.  I am a good girl who hates people mad at me, upset with me, not liking me etc.  Spent shit loads (yes that is a real quantity by the way...slightly more then a ton...yet not a zillion) of time in therapy to deal with this have to liked-shouldn't be a fake me so people like me stuff.  I like to be social.  Where my husband is an introvert.  I am extrovert (a very shy extrovert, but an extrovert nonetheless).  I want to be part of the group.  I want to be social.  I want to be friends with everyone (Yes I know that is unrealistic-Hence the shit load of therapy people).

If I am being honest this often leads me to be gossipy. Not the gossip, talking shit behind people's back, gossip.  I just always like to know what is going on, what everyone is up to, etc.  I would never say something behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face (believe me I have had to own up to this a few times recently).   I think by indulging in gossipy behavior it also lead to drama.  I am hearing about drama, I am talking about drama, I get wrapped up in it.  This drama can be between coworkers, someone issues at home, issues with the boss/es (I use drama to cover a wide range of topics here)

It sort of hit me...that shit-that drama.  Is none of my damn business.  There is no reason for me-even if I am not directly talking about it-that I should even be sitting in listening to it.  There is no reason.  I get sucked into shit that isn't my concern and at the end of the day it is not flattering to me or is not leading me to being who I want to be.  Often being around drama and getting involved even in a cursory way is exhausting.  Who I want to be is a good friend, a kind co worker-someone who is always respected as a professional.  Now those of you who don't work with-Please don't think I am sitting around slinging shit talk.  I am not.  I am just allowing me to get sucked into common work place gossip and the pissing and moaning of a horrendous school year.

The other part of my reflection on this past school year is this....if you take out the drama- my school year was great.  I had great students, did an amazing job navigating through horrendous changes at my job, and kept my head above water.  Where I started to sink was I allowed this drama to take me down.  Drama for me at work is that work place gossip, allowing other people's issues now become my own, and taking on on other people's stuff.  This summer I have realized that I can be a good co-worker and a good friend without taking on others burdens, issues, stuff as my own.  I can be supportive to the people I work with, lend an ear or a shoulder for support, but then realize that this is not my issue or my burden to carry. I can still fight for what I believe in but not allow myself to get to dismayed over the daily negativity and let downs that is teaching today

Teaching today is hard.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a good friend and person is hard.  My reflections have led me to realize that some of what I have done this year, and not done this past year made this past year so shitty.  It makes me realize what I need to do for the new school year.  So since I love a good list here it is.

I can make sure that I spend my time at work enjoying my co-workers and friends (because many of them I consider both) company but not allow myself to get concerned/wrapped up in things that are not be business.  I will enjoy my relationships at work for what they are....what I mean is I have friends at work (I hang out with them outside of school and they are big parts of life) I have work friends (people who I care about, know a lot about their lives and enjoy their company but other than social media we don't really interact much outside of work) and coworkers.  These are three separate groups of people who all play an important role in my life....and I need to "know my roll".  Ok-so I didn't say what I really meant :-)  I just mean that I need to not worry less about what the hell everyone else is up to, talking about, doing and focus on me and my life.  This is not meant in a callous way but in a way that makes me realize I do not need to be so concerned with the who what where when and drama about everyone and every thing at work.

Well now that I wrote a whole huge post and everyone thinks that I am a gossipy bitch who isn't going to talk to anyone anymore :-0!  This was a post that was more for me than anyone else.  It was a post about taking responsibility for a shitty year.  It was for me to acknowledge that even though I had spent a long time working on certain behaviors that I allowed myself to fall into old patterns of caring too much what others thought about me, my constant need to fit in, and allowed those thoughts to run the show.  I allowed my true self the one, I want the world to see, to be covered up by being someone I wasn't proud of.

Now, back to that unfriending thingy.  Let me be honest, I know that this was a person who was only in my life for a brief snip it for time.  Although I am sad they were clearly upset by something I did I am sort of glad it happened.  That allowed me to really sit and think about this past school year and really evaluate if I made the best choices for myself as I could...and clearly that was a no.

Here is hoping to better choices and a much better, happier, and healthier new school year.  2014-2015 school year here I come!
There have been a ton of articles and posts recently about Robin Williams death.  A few last night and today have caught my eye.  Last night I read an amazing post by Liz over at Prior Fat Girl  and especially this article that I saw on Facebook this am http://www.tomclempson.com/2014/08/robin-williams-did-not-die-from-suicide/ .  If you haven't read this one yet, its short go read it.

So as soon as I saw the title on Facebook-Robin Williams didn't die of suicide I knew where he was going.  It was going to the place my mind did as soon as I heard the news he died last night.  It was news that was hard for me and my husband to hear.  It was news that was so sad and tragic but we got it.  To most people it is hard to understand Depression.  It is hard to understand how someone who was so funny, who had such a big bubbly personality, a comedian no less, could be Depressed.  Yet in this house we got it.  I heard a few people online talking about the "darkness" of depression.  I think that might be the best way to describe this illness.  Just darkness.  Just like when the sun sets at night that darkness starts out just at the farthest point of the horizon and before long the darkness engulfs the whole sky till the next morning when the sun breaks through.  Sadly for those who battle depression a lot of their life seems like you are waiting for the sun to rise and it never does.

Perhaps I need to be a little less metaphorical here.  As many of you know, if you haven't you will now. Papa Hunt has Depression. The kind that doesn't go away even when you really want it to.  The kind that doesn't care if you have a great job, a house, and the perfect family.  It only goes away with hard fucking work and medication.  When Papa Hunt's depression was it its worse I bet most people never knew.  His co-workers did not know, his students didn't know, his family didn't know, and his friends didn't know.  Why-becuase he and I covered it up.  Depression isn't something that means you are crying and on the floor and incapacitated.  For him it was going to work then coming home and not being able to function. It meant always being tried.  It meant huge mood changes.  Papa Hunt is loving, gentle, calm, and funny.  When his depression has set in-he is a mean asshole who can't get out of bed.  As much as I love him the times when he has been depressed there is no other words that to say he was a asshole.  I knew he was sick but it doesn't stop me from hating the person he was.  It took me (and him) a shitload of therapy to deal with how bad it got around her.

Thankfully he took the time to get help....a lot of hard work, good medicine, and learning how to live with his depression and things are good.  It doesn't mean that he doesn't work every day. It doesn't mean that we don't make sacrifices for that.  He needs a lot of sleep and down time to decompress to handle his stress.  Its hard sometimes.  Certain times things are harder to handle but it is always work.

It is hard to read about a famous man, beloved by so many, who that hard work became too much.  It is easy for us to understand this.  When you live it like my husband or you witness it up close like I have you realize just how this disease can sweep you up and the "darkness" can over take you.

Writing this is hard, reading abut Robin Williams is hard, seeing people's shocked reactions are hard.  Those who are shocked have not known anyone with serious depression-that is why they are shocked.  The people who are not shocked are the ones who know what a beast the "darkness" is.  

Its hard because for a brief moment I allow my head to go to that place that I often don't let it go.....how close was what happened to Robin Williams and his family to my life five years ago? Then reality hits-it was close and always will be.  We just need to make sure that we always work our asses off to keep the lights on in our house and keep the darkness out.

So I began reading this book to be part of my Mom's Reading Group over on Facebook.  I had read a great review of it in the New York Times book reviews as well as seeing it come up occasionally on Amazon.  I was able to snag it at a few bucks on Amazon's used books.  For those of you who love books like I do, being used on amazon is a good way to go.

So as I began the book I instantly loved it. Then again I am a huge historical fiction fan so what would not be to like about a book about the "Lost Generation".  I do love this time period and am endlessly fascinated by F Scott Fitzgerald.  This book takes a look into the life of both Ernest Hemingway and his wife Haddy.  It covers the store of how they met, the early good years of their marriage, and its ultimate end.  Although this book is about Hemingways' wife I found it was equal parts always about him. After reading this book, I can assume that is how it always was when they were together-all about him.  Now I loved the character development and the love story that was Ernest and Haddy.  I also really liked the look into how their marriage fell apart.  Most often stories of divorce are about the bitterness and finality of it, there was a lot of the book that was about them trying to figure out how to end their marriage.

A negative of this book was I was expecting something more from it. It got amazing reviews-I just sort of kept waiting for a big moment, something monumental.  That never happened. It doesn't mean that it takes away from the positives of the book it just means that if you are reading for this for a big shocking moment, a huge plot twist...this book doesn't have that.  Having finished this book a few weeks ago I am not more ok without that big moment then I was upon completion of it.  This was a solid read with great character insight and development.  I would give it 3 out of 5 stars....maybe 3 1/2 only because it didn't have that moment that I kept expecting.
As the summer is speeding on every teacher begins to panic once the calendar switches over to August.  For me its not a matter of looking at the calendar it is the signs that are popping up that indicated that summers coming to a close.  Here are the five ways I know summer is coming to a close.

1.  The school dreams start.  Ask any teacher and most of them tell you that we have back to school dreams, or nightmares.  For me they usually involved the setting up of my classroom and my new classes.  Some of them are good but more often than not I wake up in a cold sweat.

2.  Someone says "It must be so nice to have the whole summer off".  Yes I know to most people it seems like I have a ridiculously long summer vacation...and to be honest I do.  I also don't know that if I worked for the state or a business after 12 years I would definitely have a lot of time off that I could choose when I take it-which is not the case with school.  I am blessed to get the time off though

3.   I then have the deep need to punch said people who mentioned about my summer off in the face....ok not that severe  More I want to have them spend one month doing my job then discuss with me the length of my vacation.

4.  I get giddy at the site of the target school supply section.  I love the section with all the new school supplies.  I love stocking up on supplies for my room, the fresh promise of all those supplies, and the fact that I can fill up a whole cart for both that much money.

5.  That exciting feeling that waivers between wanting to puke and sweaty palms and sheer joy.  I love my job, I love the promise of the a new school year, and dread it all at the same time.  Every year is like the first day of high school when you are freshman....I am just 34 instead of 14.
My New Planner-To go with my new school supplies
As my blog title says I am just ME-A mom and much more!  So lets start with the most important part I am a mom.  I am a mom to two amazing kids.  Master D who is currently 7 years old and Miss J who is four years old.  I am also mommy to two fur children my rat terrier Olivia and my Dashchund mix Biscuit who were both adopted.  I am married to my college sweetheart Papa Hunt.  Although being a mom and wife are a huge part of my life there is more to me than that.  I am a high school history teacher who despite how hard it is-I love my job.  I am an avid reading and love to review books.  I also love crafting especially those involving my knitting needles and crochet hook.  Finally the last and probably least interesting part of me is a I am women who has struggled with her life weight her entire life and I am determined to overcome my binge eating and make my way to the best ME I can be.  Oh did I mention coffee...I also will be drinking a lot of coffee on my journey too!

PS-Check out my new signature!  Lets see if I remember to use it!

Day One of the building a better blog challenge has me thinking about how and what is this blog about.  You are suppose to think about how you would pitch/explain your blog to someone in a short amount of time.  I have spent a lot of time pissing and moaning about my weight and struggles but I felt I couldn't just write down that this blog is about my pissing and moaning.  I would then have to change the name of this blog to pissing and moaning etc.  So I spent some time brain storming what this blog is and come up with a tag line (something I could use in a signature to my posts-maybe I will have to learn how to create a signature).  Then to create and about me.  I swear I had an about me section of my blog but guess what....I don't.  So my next post o the blog is going to be my new about me post.  But I will leave you with my new tag line

ME-Mommy Etc
There is more to ME than being a Mom-that is just the most important part!

Ok so here is my attempt at getting back into blogging.  Perhaps it will inspire me to get back to this little hunk of the internet that I used to love.  I have been blogging more and I do like that.  I like that I have a place to write, and think out loud.  My hubs is not much for listening to my emo musings....so here is my place online.  So since it is only August 1st and this challenge and group runs thought the end of the month....why not join me?  Check out the course http://www.problogger.net/31dbbb-workbook/ and there is also a Facebook group that several of the mamavation ladies and I are in to help keep each other accountable and see what everyone else is doing.  Now my plan is to read the daily activities and do some one them as time permits but I thought it would be something fun to do to beef up my blog.

Have you every felt sort of stagnant with blogging?  If so maybe join me and lets so how this rolls out!