So ten years ago on July 10 I married my college sweetheart.  I was so young 24!  Looking back and giving advice to others I would say I was too young.  I wanted one thing for my wedding and that was to smile.  A few years prior I went to a wedding of a family friend and I remember thinking how happy the bride looked.  It was a miserable day, it poured, her dress got ruined, and she was so happy and had that big smile across her face.  I wanted that.  I didn't care about much else with my wedding I just wanted to be happy....and I was.  I thought that this was what marriage was going to be...one big happy moment after the next.  Sometimes it is.....these ten years have been filled with many amazing moments.  We have had four dogs, two house, and two beautiful children-doesn't get much happier than that.  It has also been hard...the kind of hard that those vows are about-In sickness and in health. If you had told that 24 year old girl in the picture below that within five years she would have a sick husband and a baby to care for and a job with a boss who was a nightmare-she would have laughed because that wasn't in her plans.  Well real life hit and you know what....I am a better woman for it.  We have a better marriage because of our struggles.  It hasn't been easier that is for sure....I know many lesser a person who would have called it quits and cut their losses.  That girl ten years ago thought that she couldn't love that boy more than she did on her wedding day.  Well she was wrong...I loved that boy more on the days my children were born and the day we moved into our current house or the day he let me adopt another dog....but i also loved him more on boring days too.  The days where he loves my neurotic moments when I obsess about money, on the days he tell me I am beautiful and doesn't care that I am not the skinny girl in that picture below anymore.  The days when he tells me I am good mom when I feel like the worst one on the planet. Its those days that I realize that is what real marriage is...a friendship-a an agreement to love even the faults that you find out years later-a willingness to forgive those flaws and not run away.

I often joke that marriage and being a mom is different then the broucher (you know the one where everyone smiles and looks perfect in them).  If you told that girl ten years ago that her life would not be the brocher that it wouldn't even come close she wouldn't have believed you....and that is ok because the girl I am now knows the real deal and she is more than fine with the life that wasn't in the broacher...sometimes the things not featured on the menu are the best! 

So I will leave with saying to my hubby (who by the way doesn't read this blog) Happy Ten years!

10 Year Anniversary selfie

Us at a wedding a few days after our ten year-Look at us matching!

Ok so no laughing here.  But since I said I was going to try and get back to being me.  Lets talk about me for a second.  If there are any men that read this blog...I don't think there are...but if so-please if you know me in real life stop reading this now....

Ok so now that you totally still reading.  There is no secret that I have big boobs. I mean at my thinnest ever weight since I was 14 which was the week before I got married I was 70 pounds thinner than I am now and I still had a d cup.  Well finding a comfy bra is a pain in the ass.  I got big girls, they need to be locked and loaded at all time (no plunging bra for this girl...the giggle alone would be awe inspiring).  I like them locked and loaded so that if you saw me you would never think my boobs are the size that they are.  So I have found a few good options at Lane Bryant.  Problem is I need a padded/fully lined bra.  Not padded as in adding to my boobs...seriously people not that padding when I was running I need two bras on).  I want padding so that should my classroom be cold (no not the AC-that doesn't really work, I mean for the winter when the head doesn't work on the vent blows in air from outside when it is below zero).   I do not, I repeat do not want my students to pay attention to me because my nipples are distracting them from the front of the room.  I am more comfortable knowing that my nipple will never be appearing on some snap chat, twitter feed, instagram with a hashtag saying #huntsnips.  

So I am sure you wondering where this is going.  Well below are two samples of my bras, the first one is my typical "model" and the second is strapless (which is a frigging medieval torture devise by the way).  Look how big those things are.  I even but a book there for size reference.

So here is the issue....where the hell do I put them?????I mean I can get like two maybe four at most in my indie drawer of my dresser.  I don't have the space to put them in a bigger drawer.  I mean my bras take up more room that my sweaters in the winter.  Should I ask Papa Hunt to build me a special holding cell for them?? Should I string them across the room??? I don't want my kids to mistake them for some new Angry Birds launcher or some shit like that.

Those of you in my situation....or those of you creative enough.  What should I do for storage of these bad boys?  Maybe I need to go on twitter with the hashtag #tittyprobs
Somewhere along the way I lost my mo-jo for blogging.  I don't think my heart has really been into since shortly after I finished up my stint as a Mamavation Mom just over a year go.  I think life sort of kicked my ass this year.  Look back at a lot of my posts its a lot of whining and bitching, and I also see a lot of covering up.  Not coming to this space to say what was really going on because...well there were a 1000's becauses.  In my last post I said how I am super busy with keeping up with the kids, working, and doing grad work.  I think also my hiatus has been about the 20 pounds I have put on since this time last year.  Also for a girl who has been back at weight watchers for a few months, you think that weight would be gone.  Well it for me it doesn't come off as easy as my ass puts it on.  I keep hiding and feel ashamed about this and should.  Because well....shit-I shouldn't feel bad.  

So I have been working on a lot of good self talk lately.  Something that was a theme in one my recent WW meetings.  That we should never say to ourselves what we wouldn't say to others.  We should treat ourselves with respect...that includes who we talk to ourselves as well as how we treat our bodies.  That got me thinking.  I have been making a lot of positive changes in my life.  I have been working out regularly, I have been eating better, and getting more sleep.  I need to cut myself some slack about why am I not loosing more weight...it is what it is.  I also need to not binge eat...why because I would never allow a friend to binge drink, or do drug if it was hurting them...so why do I allow that for myself.

Finally, I started to think about why this school year was so hard, why life at home was so hard.  It hit me...I was lost.  I was struggling with a new system that was judging me on the one thing that has always been a constant in my life that I knew I was good.  Now I was being judge...by a test...by my students performance if I was good at what I do.  I floundered because I sort of lost that stabilizing thing in my life that in my darkest moments I went back to.  I am good at this...then I must be ok.  Silly I know to have this one thing be my anchor.  As things got worse at work, my weight began to creep up and with every pound and every pair of pants that stopped feeling comfortable or even fitting I felt worst and more lost.  I am a good pretended...only those who really know me knew it was bad.  So that is actually why I went back to weight watchers.  To try and figure shit out.  Grab hold of something and get myself out of this feeling lost.  It has taken my April, May and a most of June to start to feel less lost.  This time at home with my family, reading, working on school stuff, challenging my brain in graduate class it has helped.  But I have missed my blogging.  This place that was mine.  That was an outlet for me-being me.  Hell that is the name of this friggin blog.  So I think I really want to come back here.  Yet, I also don't want to feel that pressure of this having to be "something"  its really not anything more that a diary that I am too lazy to handwrite.

So to those of you still reading this excessively long post....do you think that we as mother's get lost? Have you gotten lost?  What did you do to...I hate this expression "find yourself"

It has been a long time since I posted...It has taken me awhile to settle into my new summer routine as a stay at home mom.  I also some how managed to book all our appointments and three different camps for the kids in the first few weeks of the summer.  Add on to that that I am taking a graduate course and helping write curriculum for a new course I am teaching and swim lessons every night for the kids for the last two weeks.  So basically I have been busier than I was before the school year got out.

As far my health I didn't mention it before...no idea why but I sort of wanted to keep it quiet but I joined weight watchers just before April vacation.  I have been loosing and gaining the same five pounds and I am sort of sick of dicking around.  So recently I decided to try something else new to help stop by endless cycle of bullshit.  I decided to try the new Chalene Johnson PiYo video series and have been committed to tracking everything I am going to eat this includes my anniversary dinner and then a wedding we are going to this weekend.  I plan to do a separate post on what PiYo is all about soon.  Until then I am off to work on the above graduate class!  I hope all those who are still reading this very neglected mine are doing well!