Showing posts with label Weight Loss Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Loss Journey. Show all posts
I know its been like 1000 years since I posted but I have been really focusing on myself and my family lately.  I have started a new fitness program that I share more about hopefully later in the week.  This past Saturday was my birthday.  During the end of March I have found that I struggle a bit with missing my Dad.  I was so spoiled that I really miss that-I remember one year I was worried about going somewhere because not everyone would like it-his reply "Screw them-its your birthday you do what you want".    Miss J has her birthday a few days after mine.  My dad worshiped her....There is no way he would ever miss my birthday let alone his baby girls.  It also makes me realize how much he has missed.  This will be the third year he isn't here.  We are getting to the point that she is fastly approaching the time that she will have had more birthday's without him then she had with---that is hard for me to begin to wrap my mind around.  

My birthday was good-I took a quilting class about English Paper Piecing-Here is a great website and video about it. It was a wonderful morning learning this new skill.  Then we headed back to the house and went off to lunch at my favorite Chinese place.  I almost cancelled lunch because our beloved dog biscuit may need surgery and I didn't really want to spend the money but my husband insisted and I was thankful that he did.  Then we headed back for cake and gifts.  I got lots of fun stuff including a new quilt kit and a few nice shirts and some make-up.  It was a nice day.  

Now it is about moving forward.  For the past two months I have been working on incorporating fitness into my life-but now I am going to really try and focus on my nutrition.  I may look into going to see a nutritionist and I am working on a container eating system and recording my calories.   I want to really work on getting as healthy as possible and for the first time in a long time I really feel that this is possible.  I am thankful that as I move into my 37th year things seem much more positive.  

 So I was going strong with me for several weeks.  Well until the tragic stabbing that I mentioned in my last post.  I was going strong-going out in the bad weather, the cold, and the good weather too,  The dogs were loving it it big time-one mile walks every day.  I was loving it.  So I tried to get back into a few days after the stiches but I honestly gave up.  All in all I did about 222 miles in the month and I am proud of that.  I also signed on with a new fitness venture that I will talk about later.  I am both proud and upset about how it turned out.  I promised myself I wouldn't beat myself up over what happened.  I did realize that I like getting outside even in the cold.  To clear my head take a few minutes outside.  I don't know that I would make a big statement to say I will do it every day but I am going to try and get outside when I can.  I also really want to try running time line on that I just want to get back to it.  Maybe this summer for a 5k in the fall again.  We will see.  Did you have any big January goals that didn't go as well as I planned?  

So post christmas my weight watchers leader posted a challenge that the local running shop was offering.  It was to sign up for a different kind of "race".  You signed up and committed to walking outside every day in January.  Well in the end of December when the weather was oddly warm a balmy 45-50 every day this sounded like a good idea.  So I signed up.  Why....well why not.  It would get me walking everyday and outside.  I also figured it would be a good way to get my started to get more fitness in.  I haven't been working out and feeling miserable to be frank.  So even if that is all I do its a step in the right direction.  Well it was all fun and games until it got cold, and then cold and rainy, then cold and snowy.  As of one week in and I have walked the rain, the snow, and the cold...oh and a few nice days too!  Some photographic proof-because hey if there isn't a selfie it didn't happen right!
My walking partners in crime-expect in the really bad weather they hated it

We had to do sweaters because it was too cold without 

This is from yesterday when I waited too long to walk I had to walk in a the full blown blizzard 

On the day it was a downpour-at least my jacket is somewhat waterproof.  

So far I have loved this-especially yesterday in the snow finishing my walk.  Although it was cold I felt sort of connected to my dad who loved winter.  He never minded the cold weather and I have this image of him coming in from snowblowing and shoveling looking some sort of Yeti all covered in snow.  He would get out of his wet clothes, sit by the fire, and enjoy the winter.  I also have many memories of him just staring out my parents big picture watching the snow...he loved it.  So when I am out thier freezing my biscuits off (mine not my dog who is also named biscuit) I have fond memories to keep me going.  
So every year I set lofty goals for myself but never really do much with that...but shit I am an optimist so why hell not!  Just kidding.....well not really I really feel that need to set some good goals for myself and actually work on achieving them.  Part of my reason for this is in the last few months although my anxiety is high I have sort of felt the fog of grief starting to lift.  My therapist who I worked with right after my dad died said her patients often comment that with grief they feel like they are walking around half asleep for months or even years as they figure out this new life without the person they love.  For me it was sort of this double whammy of loosing my dad, my kids loosing their hero, and having to grow up all at once. It was and still is a lot.  But lately I have been noticing that I am not as shell shocked.  I can talk about my dad and not have it crush me, the holidays were not as devestatingly sad.  I am also realizing that I have put a few things on the back burner for these last two years.  A lot of that is myself care and taking good care of me, of taking time with my husband and realizing that he is more than that guy who lives in the house, and taking time to cultivate relationships other than my family.  I think it was hard for me and my heart to even interact with people-sometimes it still is.  As if pleasure and joy sometimes were too much.  Happiness was too much.  Frankly I wanted to be sad and pissed off and angry and miserable.  Sometimes I still do.  Yet, I realized I need to work on not letting myself and my life get sucked in to that not good place.  There is too much beauty and joy to just be existing to just be getting by.  That is what I have really felt for the last two years....that I was surviving.  I say it like its a horrible thing....its not.  I survived, my kids survived, for the most part my relationships survived.  I know I have been harder to be around, harder to love, harder to like.  I am harsher and more critical.  My best qualities of being funny, and kind, and joyful have been muted and often still are.  Shout out to my friends and especially Ryan for patiently hanging on during this wild ride I have been on.  I often realized at the end of the day I was too tired from "surviving" to give my friends or my husband much of anything (I also know this is a problem of all mothers).  I know that in friendship and certainly in marriage there are ebbs and flows-that doesn't make them easy.  I know for Ryan it has been hard to see me like this and not really "fix" what was wrong all while trying to maintain his own mental health.  He, like most people who struggle with mental illness,  have a hard time being around others who are mentally unwell.  He has stood by as I sorted out how to move forward in this new dadless world I was thrown into.

So anywho...enough musings on where I have been.  I want to think about the future.  I know some people are concerned with what will happen with our government in the upcoming year. For me I choose to bring light into the world first with my own family and then in my classroom.  I will worry about the US and the World when I need to.  

So my goals for 2017

1.  I need to get my eating and weight in check.  I plan to head to my dr to talk about on going stomach issues and request to see a dietician for that and help with my eating.  My goal is 52 pounds by Dec 31 of next year.  More than that I just to be eating better so I am not sick all the time

2.  I want to commit to a bit of self care everyday.   That means exercising, or meditation, or journaling at least 20min every day.  I need it for my mental health and I need it to continue to be a good mom and wife

3.  I want to do one family adventure with kids every month that doesn't not involve screens.  So although I have loved our movie binge of the last few weeks I want non-screen fun with the family

4.  I want to walk or jog a total of 217 miles this year

5.  I want to make at least 5 quilts this year-at least one for me to keep

6.  I want to do one thing for me each month.  Go out with a friend, go out alone, something that is just for me.  

7.  I want to do something special with Ryan once a month....either a date night or something fun once the kids go to this isn't secret code for anything.  I just feel like our relationship has taken a back burner to everything and some day its just going to be the two of us and I would still like to make sure we like each other when that happens.  

I am hoping to get back into blogging a bit more and keep track of these goals....I think as the goals slip from my mind then they get forgotten.  So I am hoping for a good 2017-How about you?  What are you goals for the year? 

I can't believe its been so long since I have written a post.  Life has been good and complicated and not so good at the moment.  In terms of my healthy journey I am doing well-I have lost almost ten pounds since Janurary.  I know that doesn't seem like much but I am feeling a little bit more in control then I have before. I even gave up sweets for lent and despite a fall "off the lentin wagon" on my hubs bday I haven't really eaten any sweets or candy.  

My own journey with grief etc actually has been going really really well.  I have been doing ok but the kids have been having a rough time.  I will save that for another post.

Right now I am struggling to live in the moment.  We have a lot of credit card debt...not the unpayable kind just a lot more than I would like and the kind that makes me hate to have it.  The debt means we can't get a different house, it makes me feel like a failure financially.  I have a plan moving forward but right now it seems to cause me a ton of anxiety.  I know that debt is part of American culture but I hate it.  Part of it is piss poor spending habits on our part.  Always wanting more then what we have.  Always thinking I need to keep up with the joneses.  I hate that I can't take my kids on a big expensive disney vacation.  I hate that I can't do those things till this debt is gone.  I hate that I keep paying and paying and paying but then some major shit storm of finances hits and all the progress I made just goes right back on that stupid piece of plastic.  I know I need to tighten the belt but I hate doing that.  

But back to the living in the moment.  If my dad's death has taught my anything-it is that you don't know when your time is up.  Why spend your last few days worrying about money.  I know that eventually that debt will be paid off...someday and there is no sense in spending hours worrying about it.  As long as I am paying it off slowly and steadily we will get there.  Not maybe in the time frame I would like but eventually.  

So right now things are up and down...but mostly ok


So in an attempt to be all in with my healthiness journey I decided to start posting some recipes here on the blog of some of the things that I am eating.  Below is one of my favorite go to recipes.  Although many would think of this as a breakfast dish-for me I often take it for a quick protein packed lunch at work.

Easy Vegetable Frittata-5 Smart Points for 1/6 of the dish

Four Whole Eggs
Four Egg whites
1/2 cup of almond milk unsweetened 
1/2 cup of cheddar cheese
2 cups Frozen hashbrown potatoes (or you can use shredded potatoes)
2 cups frozen veggies ( your choice-I used peppers and broccoli)

Step One-Set over to 350 Scramble the eggs and egg whites and almond milk.  

Step Two:  Spread the hashbrowns in the bottom of a pie plate so that they are in an even layer then top with the veggies.

Step Three:  Cover with the egg mix and bake until the center is set.  Most times this takes at least 20-25 minutes.

This is what it looks like when fully set

Step Four:  When set take out and sprinkle with cheese and pop back in oven till cheese is melted to your liking.  

This piece shown is smaller the the 1/6 that is accounted for in the Smart Points.  I just forgot to take a picture of it and this was my mid day weekend snack-Hence the paper plate!  

Hope you like this dish!!
I don't think I actually have any real resolutions this year.  You know smart goals of I will do X thing in this time.  I decided that after a year of being in mourning and trying to find my bearings...more survive then anything else.  That this year would be the year I take care of me.  I don't mean this in a selfish all about me all the time....I mean doing the things that I need to for me to be the best version of myself I can be.  

For that to happen I am really going to focus on getting healthy.  For me that is obviously the commitment to weight watchers (I lost the weight I put on over the holidays this week and was very happy with that).  It means exercising regularly because it helps center me and makes me feel better.  It means getting enough sleep and taking naps on the weekend if needed.  It means doing things that I enjoy and time for myself.  

I bought myself a lovely workbook to worth through my goals and desires to work on.  I have a journal for all my food stuff.  I am trying to blog more.  I am trying to do things that bring me happiness.  Sometimes that is stuff with my kids.  Sometimes that is stuff with friends or with Ryan without the kids.  Sometimes that is being alone.   As much as I love and need to be around people as an only child you often forget how used you are to being quiet and having time by yourself.  Since I have had kids that time has been non existent that is why I take the worlds longest showers-to enjoy the quiet.

I feel that sometimes towards the end of summer and I felt it again over Christmas break that I really have lost part of me.  I think its more than a working mom feeling overwhelmed lost part of me.  I think it loosing part of my identity when I lost my dad.  Almost if I lost a huge part of my life that anchored me-centered me.  I hate to sound cliche as shit but I feel this need to reinvent who I am.  Or maybe less then that.  Figure out this new me-this mom of two growing kids, a teacher in an ever demanding and sometimes heartbreaking job that is so different then it was 10 years ago, a wife in her 30's not a idealistic newlywed of 24, and a daddy's girl without her daddy.  

So I decided that this year is going to be about me.  Taking time for me....allowing myself to discover or rediscover the things that bring me happiness and joy.  So I hope that all of you my readers and the people in my real life who read this have a joyful new year.  That you find yourself spending this year in more happiness then darkness.....oh and that maybe you win that powerball that is now up to a Billion dollars (and if you win remember me people)


Its been a long time since I posted....things got well holiday crazed around here that is for sure.  I was having some medical issues that hopefully I will get around to posting about then just getting ready for the holidays with two small children is always crazy.  Plus if I am being honest I was having a real hard time without having my dad around.  

Now up until the week before Christmas I was doing ok with everything.  Work was good, kids were good. weight watchers was good.  Then all the balls up in the air started to fall and well.....hit me on my head! 

A long time ago someone said to me as hard as the first holiday without your loved one is hard-the second one is worse.  I definitely don't think it was worse just more permeant in a way.  Just the reality of him being gone as really begun to set in.  It is almost as if I head my breath for the whole first year dealing with all of those firsts but now it is the reality of the loss is starting to set in.  Its not harder it is just different.  Sometimes the gravity of the loss is really hard.  Lately Josie has been talking about my dad and how she misses and her memories of him.  Thankfully her mentioning him doesn't bring me instantly to tears....but it does hurt at the thought of how much he is missing each and every day.

The holidays round these parts were good.  We had a nice time celebrating with family and friends and the kids were spoiled rotten.  Mainly what I am looking forward to is some quiet time with the family at home.  

I didn't even take that many pictures this year....not because I didn't want to but because I was busy enjoying.  If one thing the loss of my dad has taught is far to short to spend my time doing things that don't bring me joy.  

I hope you and your family enjoyed your holidays!  

So this vacation I brought no work home.  All of my grading is done and I knew I would be spending a few days in NYC and then want to be with my kiddos for the rest of the vacation.  Well I was fighting a cold before school got out for the holidays and it has only gotten worse.  I even went to the Dr's on Monday to make sure it wasn't something serious.  Thankfully just a nasty cold and cough.  I was so sick that I cancelled a much look forward trip to NYC with friends for one night and the hubby another.  

So that has left me home with no grading, no plans, and no graduate classes to complete.  I have seriously found myself wandering around my house.  I am so used to being the point that when my dad died I signed on to sell Jamberry wraps to ensure that was always busy with selling them.  

I have been reading, cleaning, and organizing a bit.  Since I am sick I haven't felt up to doing much else.  We took the kids to see two movies (The Good Dinosaur-which I slept through and Star Wars).  
I figured as hard as it it for me to sit around and not do stuff I think that is maybe just what I need to be doing.  Taking time to just be with my kids and family.  Make myself sit and reflect.  I am trying to be focused on myself and take some me time.  That is one of the new focuses on the new weight watchers program.  Taking me time.  That is really hard-to just take time and be....

For me when I am not busy sometimes that means I am left to deal with my emotions.  Me dealing with my emotions is not an easy thing for me.  This is why I have eating issues.  To ignore my emotions I eat or keep busy.

Like I said I am not good at relaxing and not being busy but maybe this is exactly what I need to be doing.  

So although I have been working my weight loss program for a few weeks sadly I am not that skinny bitch I really want to be.  Tonight while trying no clothes (I am currently doing GwynnieBee) and I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror.  Typically, I just look at myself at the floor length mirror at the end of the hall in my house.  But I got a real good look.....maybe good isn't the word to use.  

What is interesting is this wasn't one of those self hatred moments....mostly it made me sad.  It made me upset that I have let me body get to this point.  I know exactly where that 25 pounds I put on went.  It hit me in that moment just how big I have let myself get.  I have always been a big secret there.  But I am the same size I was after I had both my kids....I am sad that I have not taken care of myself and this is the result.

It was also highly motivating.  It made me realize there just can't be anymore BS.  For the most party I have tracked every point and need to get back to adding in regular exercise.  Although most days I walk at least 10,000 steps I need to do more not only for stress management but to get this weight off.  I don't have to do anything radical just do something.

I won't lie I am sad....not the usual I hate myself.  Just more taking that feeling in and realizing I need to change.  I also promised myself to give the new weight watchers program my all.  For another 47 weeks since I am one week five now.  Its not running a marathon it is sticking to a plan to help myself.  Otherwise I may need to consider other option because what I saw in the mirror was the one thing I can't afford to be and that is unhealthy.  I no longer have the luxury of saying.....well my parents are fat but they are healthy.  I don't get that anymore-I get a parent who died at 64....that right there my friends is some serious shit that needs to be dealth with.

So yes, I am a bummed and sad-but sometimes I think we need reality to bitch slap us across the face to motivate us.  

So hello to that time of year!  So I went to weight watchers last week even though I knew I would be up.  Any male readers...avert your eyes now.  Ladies we know how it goes you could eat twigs and berries and drink three gallons of water and still be up ten pounds from water weight.  That was me.  I promised myself this time around I would really commit.  I would work the program, I would go to meetings and I would track.  With the exception of the two days after thanksgiving (I tracked on Turkey Day) I have tracked every day for almost a month.  

This week I went and weighed in and was down almost all the weight I gained the week before two days after Thanksgiving.  So I will take that and run with it.  Would I have liked it to be more...yup but I know its not always about the number it is about being better for me and my family.

So I am off to track and watch the mid season finale of Walking Dead. Hope everyone's holiday was great. 


So after a really great weight watchers meeting I decided I needed to comit to the process.  I promised myself that I would track every bit of food that entered my mouth.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  There were some ugly days.  Days I ate way more than I wanted or intended to.  Then again it was life.  I didn't work out as much as I had hoped.  I also tried to embrace some aspects of the program that I haven't done in a long time. The meeting topics.  I was really trying to take some me time and treat myself better.  I signed up for an outfit delivery program to help with making myself feel good inside and out.  You know what happened.....I lost 2.4 pounds.  I haven't lost that much at weight watchers in a long time.  I think I sort of realized I need to embrace this more fully. Now this week has been rough so far.  I have stuck to my comitment to track all the things that come into my mouth.  It was hard-I was tired after a crazy week and we ordered out chinese and that points for that were through the roof and I forgot until I went to add in all the points.  I have gone to yoga and today I worked out at home.  Baby steps people-that is what I can handle now.  

I think there is something to say for realizing that I can't just do this my way. My way hasn't really been working.  So I hope to put some fun stuff up on the blog.  I made a fun new pork crock pot recipe that I want to post and also a review of my outfit delivery service!  Hope you are all well!


I think I have been quiet around here-I have truly been in survival mode.  This past month was the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  I was doing really well after spending a lot of time working on myself and spending a lot of time in therapy this past summer.  Then the crazy stress of month two of school coupled with the anniversary really had a rough affect on me.  

Although I took care of myself mentally this summer I realized sometime in the last few weeks that I haven't been taking care of myself health wise.  I haven't been eating well and haven't really been exercising since hurting my ankle early in the summer.  So I have had enough with the extra 20 pounds I gained in the last year and a half.  I decided to go back to weight watchers and commit to really trying.  Not just half assing it.  As of today I have tracked every day even the last two days which were not that great but I tracked them anyways..including the tasty yet not good for you cookie dough that I ate right out of the container earlier tonight.  

I also signed up three weeks ago to go back to yoga.  I went once and realized how much I love it.  I wasn't able to go the last two weeks once because I was sick and once because Ryan was.  The exercise is harder to get in but at least I am getting 10,000 steps a day in which is also a goal.  

I also have been taking more opportunities to take care of myself.  I am not allowing myself to get so stressed about money.  I try and only go in do the bills every few weeks so I don't get so stressed.  I have been treating myself to a few things every now and again.  I even just signed up for Gweenie Bee as a treat to myself.  I need to feel good at this size-smaller or bigger.  That is essential to my mental health. 

So I also committed to try and blog a bit more about my journey....I sometimes shy away from this place but realize once I come back that I feel so much better after I ramble a bit on here about my thoughts and feelings.  

How is everyone else doing out there?? Update me!


So in case anyone still reads this blog-Yes I am alive.  I had a great summer that was much needed to help me deal with some stuff.  School started for me about two and half weeks ago and for the kids about a week ago.  It has been a crazy but good time.  I am still trying to feel my way around a new school year and get into my groove which makes it hard to find time to do anything else.  

My goal in these up coming weeks is to be sure to take some time for me.  Over the summer I went back to weight watchers and lost a few pounds over the summer and that was good but with the new school year and soccer game schedule attending meetings is a bit harder.  I have decided to continue to do that at home and try and take some time every day to focus on me and my health.  I have read a great book called What you can When you can and I will share more about that later.  That deserves a whole post.  I am really trying to work on the no shame thing.  Feeling bad about how much a weigh isn't very productive for anyone-it also doesn't motivate me.  

So to all my teacher friends or those moms with kids in school-Cheers to a new school year!  I hopefully will be checking in a wee bit more!


Just a super quick post for this week's weigh in!  It was good.  In my mind I would love to loose it at an ass cheek at a time but I will take slow and steady wins the race! 


Well so much for weekly weigh in updates.  Between lots of snow days, weekend snow storms, and life in general I haven't been updating my blog.  I weighed in on week two and lost 2.0 then I was unable to weight in for week 3, and this week I weighed in and lost .8.  For a total of 2.8 in three weeks and and an overall total of -.6 (remember I started above).  I can honestly say I am happy with that.  Exercising as been rough because of the weather and a lot going on with the kids.  I had some rough days emotionally that led to not the best choice making.  I am looking at progress not perfection.  I also decided this year to try and curb some bad habits and have given up candy (chocolate too) and desserts for lent.  I have been eating too much crap-and when I eat it I crave it.  So here is to a nice is everyone else doing out there??

So its obvious no secret that I struggle with my weight and my eating issues.   I promised myself the day by dad died that I wouldn't let his death ruin me.  That I would use it for a greater purpose.  Now that I am finally starting to get a little out of this cloud or lets be honest tarp that has been around me I am realizing that I need to pony up to the promise.  So with my tail tucked between my legs I went back to weight watchers.  Let me be clear-weight watchers works if you do it.  Just paying for it doesn't work. If that was the case I would be one skinny bitch by now!!

So I figured I am here airing all my dirty ass laundry why not this too.  So here it is week one
+2.2 pounds

In the whole scheme of weight loss and gain-2.2 pounds since my dad died isn't horrendous.  Its not where I wanted to be almost 10 months after rejoining last April.   But again note the comment you have to do it, not just pay for it

So I have been tracking my food (which on the weekend it was ugly but I did it) and I went to Yoga (thank you Julie for convincing me I needed to go) and I went for a run today.  I am setting small goals for myself because small is all I can handle right now.  

I have also been busy on some other projects that I hope to share on here soon!  Here is to a fresh start and some new goals!


So as you can imagine I am sort of over 2014.  I stumbled across and amazing website called The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans .  I have read stuff by them before here and there but I really fell in love with what they were gearing up for the new year.  They are reading a great book that I am reading now called 52 small changes. 

  (Click on link-It is free for Prime Members-Which is a great deal in my mind)-Where you focus on one change a day for 52 weeks so you are not overwhelmed by change, they are doing an instragm piture a day based on this, and they also suggested rather than a resolution or goal for your 2015 that you pick one word.

You all know I love to talk so that was hard to think about just one word.  I think my word for 2014 might be F-You (oh wait that is two words).  Maybe I will write about my holiday and new years...but maybe I need to move on too...who know. word for 2015.   I always make resolutions and either don't achieve them or break them quickly.  So I thought long and hard about my word.  At first the word was SURVIVE.  With vacation and the holidays happening right after my father's death I figured I felt that is what I have been doing.  Then I realized I don't want to just survive-that is not what this word is about.  This word is what I want to use to inspire me.  I wanted a word that would help me both in my physical and mental journey I want and need to take this year.  So I finally figured out what my word would be....what I needed most these past few month and will continue to need....STRENGTH

I need STRENGTH to continue on in my journey of living without my dad, I need STRENGTH to put the mental energy into loosing weight.  I need STRENGTH to accomplish my fitness Goal for 2015.  So this years word is STRENGTH.  I plan to use that to help me when I am feeling like I want to give up.  

So what are your thoughts on a one word Mantra for the New Year.  What would your's be?

As regular readers may have noticed I have been posting but not a lot about my weight. There are a few reasons for that.  Mainly it is because there is nothing to report.  I am not loosing weight or gaining weight I am just hovering within the same ten pounds give for take for the last six months or so.  Sometimes it pisses me off, sometimes I don't care.  At the end of last school year and the start of this one I have been very blah about my weight loss.  Not that I am blah about knowing I need to loose weight just not mentally there.  I have been going to weight watchers with a dear friend because we both need the support, but I haven't gone in two months.  Sometimes because soccer, dance, and ccd on Saturday Am's makes it tough but sometimes because I am not into it.  For me, I just needed to get my head right.  I was really negative about everything-including my weight.  I needed some time to start feeling better.  I have been putting an effort into feeling confident in my clothes and my own skin and I have been coming a long way lately.  I also know my binge eating has come back with a vengeance and if I am not careful getting crazy with weight watchers makes that even worse.  Yet, no excuses I am not loosing weight because I am not working at it right now.

Now back to this place.  I have said a lot of times I missed this place.  I missed the comfort of posting here brings to me.  Both the reviews of products and books (I just got an awesome children's book in to review today).  I like that this place gives me something to be other than just Mama Hunt or Mrs. Hunt.   Yet I was staying away because I felt I should be posting about my weight loss journey and I didn't want to because there wasn't one.  I know bloggers step away from their blogs all them time...but it wasn't like I wanted to.  I was feeling the pressure to post about things that were not my focus then I realized something.  HELLOOOOOOO this is my blog. First of all I am not a brand or some famous person.  This is my who cares.

So there is the update.....I don't think I am going to talk about my weight loss here.  I may give updates occasionally but maybe not.  Just like being a mom isn't the only aspect of my life...neither is weight loss or weight gain.

Do any of you who blog feel like you get pigeonholed into talking about certain topics??

Somewhere along the way I lost my mo-jo for blogging.  I don't think my heart has really been into since shortly after I finished up my stint as a Mamavation Mom just over a year go.  I think life sort of kicked my ass this year.  Look back at a lot of my posts its a lot of whining and bitching, and I also see a lot of covering up.  Not coming to this space to say what was really going on because...well there were a 1000's becauses.  In my last post I said how I am super busy with keeping up with the kids, working, and doing grad work.  I think also my hiatus has been about the 20 pounds I have put on since this time last year.  Also for a girl who has been back at weight watchers for a few months, you think that weight would be gone.  Well it for me it doesn't come off as easy as my ass puts it on.  I keep hiding and feel ashamed about this and should.  Because well....shit-I shouldn't feel bad.  

So I have been working on a lot of good self talk lately.  Something that was a theme in one my recent WW meetings.  That we should never say to ourselves what we wouldn't say to others.  We should treat ourselves with respect...that includes who we talk to ourselves as well as how we treat our bodies.  That got me thinking.  I have been making a lot of positive changes in my life.  I have been working out regularly, I have been eating better, and getting more sleep.  I need to cut myself some slack about why am I not loosing more is what it is.  I also need to not binge eat...why because I would never allow a friend to binge drink, or do drug if it was hurting why do I allow that for myself.

Finally, I started to think about why this school year was so hard, why life at home was so hard.  It hit me...I was lost.  I was struggling with a new system that was judging me on the one thing that has always been a constant in my life that I knew I was good.  Now I was being a my students performance if I was good at what I do.  I floundered because I sort of lost that stabilizing thing in my life that in my darkest moments I went back to.  I am good at this...then I must be ok.  Silly I know to have this one thing be my anchor.  As things got worse at work, my weight began to creep up and with every pound and every pair of pants that stopped feeling comfortable or even fitting I felt worst and more lost.  I am a good pretended...only those who really know me knew it was bad.  So that is actually why I went back to weight watchers.  To try and figure shit out.  Grab hold of something and get myself out of this feeling lost.  It has taken my April, May and a most of June to start to feel less lost.  This time at home with my family, reading, working on school stuff, challenging my brain in graduate class it has helped.  But I have missed my blogging.  This place that was mine.  That was an outlet for me-being me.  Hell that is the name of this friggin blog.  So I think I really want to come back here.  Yet, I also don't want to feel that pressure of this having to be "something"  its really not anything more that a diary that I am too lazy to handwrite.

So to those of you still reading this excessively long you think that we as mother's get lost? Have you gotten lost?  What did you do to...I hate this expression "find yourself"