Somewhere along the way I lost my mo-jo for blogging.  I don't think my heart has really been into since shortly after I finished up my stint as a Mamavation Mom just over a year go.  I think life sort of kicked my ass this year.  Look back at a lot of my posts its a lot of whining and bitching, and I also see a lot of covering up.  Not coming to this space to say what was really going on because...well there were a 1000's becauses.  In my last post I said how I am super busy with keeping up with the kids, working, and doing grad work.  I think also my hiatus has been about the 20 pounds I have put on since this time last year.  Also for a girl who has been back at weight watchers for a few months, you think that weight would be gone.  Well it for me it doesn't come off as easy as my ass puts it on.  I keep hiding and feel ashamed about this and should.  Because well....shit-I shouldn't feel bad.  

So I have been working on a lot of good self talk lately.  Something that was a theme in one my recent WW meetings.  That we should never say to ourselves what we wouldn't say to others.  We should treat ourselves with respect...that includes who we talk to ourselves as well as how we treat our bodies.  That got me thinking.  I have been making a lot of positive changes in my life.  I have been working out regularly, I have been eating better, and getting more sleep.  I need to cut myself some slack about why am I not loosing more weight...it is what it is.  I also need to not binge eat...why because I would never allow a friend to binge drink, or do drug if it was hurting them...so why do I allow that for myself.

Finally, I started to think about why this school year was so hard, why life at home was so hard.  It hit me...I was lost.  I was struggling with a new system that was judging me on the one thing that has always been a constant in my life that I knew I was good.  Now I was being judge...by a test...by my students performance if I was good at what I do.  I floundered because I sort of lost that stabilizing thing in my life that in my darkest moments I went back to.  I am good at this...then I must be ok.  Silly I know to have this one thing be my anchor.  As things got worse at work, my weight began to creep up and with every pound and every pair of pants that stopped feeling comfortable or even fitting I felt worst and more lost.  I am a good pretended...only those who really know me knew it was bad.  So that is actually why I went back to weight watchers.  To try and figure shit out.  Grab hold of something and get myself out of this feeling lost.  It has taken my April, May and a most of June to start to feel less lost.  This time at home with my family, reading, working on school stuff, challenging my brain in graduate class it has helped.  But I have missed my blogging.  This place that was mine.  That was an outlet for me-being me.  Hell that is the name of this friggin blog.  So I think I really want to come back here.  Yet, I also don't want to feel that pressure of this having to be "something"  its really not anything more that a diary that I am too lazy to handwrite.

So to those of you still reading this excessively long post....do you think that we as mother's get lost? Have you gotten lost?  What did you do to...I hate this expression "find yourself"

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