So as part of the Mamavation Mom application process I have started to have more confidence in what I am doing and that I doing the right thing by making a change in my life.  I realized that I needed to go back to weight watchers.  I need that support and I needed a fresh start with that.  I weighed in at 230 pounds...I hate that.  I hate that at one point I was a lot less than that since having Josie, but you know what it is a starting place!

I also figured I needed some before pictures, not those pictures that I specifically pick to post on facebook or twitter-you know the good ones that make me look fabulous!  Nope the down and dirty unflattering ones.  So here they are my starting point-Holy hell at least this is the starting point

Seirously, I look like I have a baby bump!  This is why I always suck in my tummy 

Another starting point for me-I did my first virtual 5k with Mamavation this Saturday.  I have always wanted to run a 5K so on Friday the groupon in CT was a color run in July, so I bought it and I am signed up.  So that means I need to get my ass in gear and get to it.  My time 52 min and only jogged a small portion of it.  But its a starting point.
Me and jog/walking buddy Biscuit 

Yet regardless of my starting point-these guys will be at the finish line. They deserve my best and so do I!

How was your week?  I can't wait to get on all this new stuff!
As I said in my weekly update post-my birthday was Monday.  I am sure like many of you I think back on this year and there is much I am proud of and some that I am not.  I am not proud that I have let my weight creep back up to almost 230 pounds (yikes I hate writing that but its the truth and this blog is my safe space and even those people in my real life who read this would never judge me on that number, I am the only one who judges me on that number).  This has made me sad, number one because I have let 15 pounds creep on in the last 8months and that I let that number rule my life.  I hate the my clothes are tight, I hate that I don't feel as good as I used to.  A friend at work recently had weightloss surgery and she offered to take me to her support group meeting to check it out.  To be honest I was ready to get that shit done the moment she offered because I want to not worry about that f-ing number.  I want to be free of hating everything about the god damn scale.  Yet, the truth is I haven't been trying-not really.  I have been busting my ass with the Mamavation program which I am so lucky to be a part of-but my eating is still not any where near what it needs to be.  I am eating a lot of crap.

So I made a decision-I am giving it a year.  A solid year of trying my hardest both fitness wise and weight watchers and if in a year I am still struggling I am going to go back to therapy to decide if I should have weight loss surgery.  It has been a crazy few months with the hubs heading back to school and trying ot manage my anxiety on my own (and minus the 15 pounds I think I have been doing a good job)

So this weekend I am rejoining weight watchers (not the half assing it online kind, but get my ass to a meeting kind).  I have recruited some friends to maybe join with me.  I told the hubs, once easter is over we are purging the house for me and for the family.  We are going back to eating as clean as possible.  I need this.  I need this...I need to get back on track.

I also have to tell myself that I am capable of so much more than I think...If I can bust out 100 burpees every time it gets tweeted over on Mamavation, I sure as hell can give the diet part another go. So be on the look out I plan on posting my weekly weigh in's either as their own post or part of my Mamavation Monday post.

So this week has been amazing for many reasons.  The first is that it is both mine and Josie's bday weekend.  Josie had an amazing princess tea party that I have been planning forever and enjoyed every moment of.  Then on Sunday we went out to one of my favorite restaurants for my birthday lunch.  Yes I had cake but I also had a salad for lunch instead of something less healthy because let me tell you this place has the most amazing chocolate hazelnut cake-I ate every stitch of it and it was delicious.

Yet, the other reason it was amazing-I finished the 2 week challenge!  It was hard, I mean really hard.  Add to that a crazy week with preparing for the party, conferences for Dylan, as well as general crazy teacher stuff.  Yet, I did all the workouts and began some optional hazing for the Mamavation Mom's campaign.  There is no other way to say it then it kicked my ass-literally and figuratively.  For me the hardest are the abs and burpees (if you don't know what these are look them up).  I was trying to do 100 of them this am-I was really defeated because they are so hard for me...I was having a hard time even getting to 75.  Then I looked up and saw my two kiddos sitting there playing and I said to myself they deserve a healthier mom and it motivated me to get my ass back on the ground and trying to finish the set...yet to be honest it was me who pushed myself to the end.

This week's Monday topic is motivation.  I am motivated by my kids to be a healthy mom for them.  Yet, this two week challenge has taught me something.  I am doing this for me.  I deserve better.  I deserve to be healthier and it is going to be hard.  Really, Really hard.  Yet, I can do this.  It might not be pretty but I will get there.

Finally, although cheesy to say, my fellow contestants in the moms competition are also motivating me. It is nice to see other moms in different parts of their journey who are at different fitness levels all doing this with me.  It helps-It really does to get my ass back to to grind with these workouts.  So to those moms-Thanks

Stay tuned for my official two week challenge results later this week


Disclaimer-This is something I have needed to get out for awhile, and I know it is sort of cheesy but these thoughts have been in my head making me a teary mess.  For those who are new to reading my blog B is a former student of mine who I have grown very close to since his mother's death a week and half before Josie was born.  He is sort of a cross between a third kid and a brother.  He stopped being just a former student a long time ago and became family.

To B's Mom-
This week will mark the 3rd anniversary of your death.  I know we only met/talked a few times and that I was just one of the many teachers that your children had over their high school careers, but you have made a tremendous impact on me so I thought I would write to you (via my blog) something.

I know that when you were diagnosed when B was in middle school your goal was to be there to see him graduate high school.  When it was clear you wouldn't make it see him walk across the stage in June they held a special graduation for B.  I was there in the background-ridiculously pregnant with my youngest.  B had asked that I be there to see him graduate and be part of this special moment that the school and the hospital put together.  What you don't know is that in that moment you changed me-and my life.  As I went to my car and cried like a baby, I made a promise to myself, to you, to B, and to my God.  I promised that I would try and be as strong of a mother as you (because you showed me what strength  is to fight cancer with very breath you took to see your son graduate high school). I  promised that I would do whatever it took to be there for your son.  I knew that I would never be able to replace you (who could) but that I would be there for him in any way that he needed me as time went on.  I promised God that I would do my best to give your boy a better chance in this world, that he has been dealt a shitty hand and that I would try and fix that.

I thought that you should know that you raised an amazing young man.  He is a volunteer fireman now just like his dad, he joined the reserves (I mailed him colorings from the kids and baked him cookies), and he is training to be an EMT.  He has an great girlfriend who I know you would love (I sure do).  He is going to 21 in May and he is to date one of the greatest men I have ever met.  Sure things have not been easy for him since your passing-in fact to be honest they have been really rough for him.  Yet, he is has come through it.  He has helped me out in my own dark moments of my life, volunteers to watch my kids, and does yard work when my husband has been too ill to do it.  He loves my kids like they were his own nieces and nephews-in fact he just got back from Disney and bought them gifts.  This past week he even asked if he could join me and my children at a carnival at the school-for no other reason than he wanted to spend time with us.  I know that this is because he missed you and we offer him what he misses most- the sense of family that you has always provided for your family.

I just wanted more than anything to say to you thank you!  You instilled in your son amazing qualities and he brings such love and joy to me and my children's lives.  I know to those on the outside it may seem odd that B spends time with my family-but I can only hope that if something happened to me that my children would be able to find people to help them out in their life journey.  Plus, the reality is my kids and I are the lucky ones to have this amazing young man in our lives.

Thank you so much for raising such an amazing young man-I only wish you could be here to see it.
This week I have been doing the two week challenge which is part of the Mamavation Challenges and I can honestly say it has kicked my ass in a really good way.  It has been hard, but as I stated in my last post, I am tougher.  In hopes of getting in all the 10,000 steps in the challenge I bought another pedometer because my first one sucked and even stood in the kitchen before sitting down to blog and marched in place till I got to my goal before sitting down for the night!  I can honestly say that I am really proud of myself and actually have gotten some of my confidence back about my ability to do this whole weight loss thing.

For this coming week my goal is to get in my 10,000 steps as well as add in a few days of Tae-bo this week.  What are your goals for the week
Also don't forget to go check out the Mamavation Mom campaign.  I have applied to be one of the moms and can say I am so happy to have applied because not only was it liberating to apply, I have forged a great support network with the other moms who applied.  So go check it out....go on go! 

Have a great week!

So as I stated on Monday I signed up for this two week challenge.  I wanted to do it because I need something to push me and keep me focused.  If you aren't part of the Mamavation community you can check out the challenge here.  So let me just say it has been tough...the workouts are hardcore and I am just doing the beginner ones.   One day involved pushups, which I can only do on my knees and almost couldn't finish them.  The next day was all sorts of squats (which I did in a mirror which was as inspiring to do more as it was traumatic to see what I look like in sweats while squatting), and then it was abs.  After two c-sections and a lot of extra weight lets just say I have been ignoring my core and it was noticeable.  Plus, we had a rough day surrounding potty training my almost three year old and buying of new fish (what was I thinking buying and setting up a fish tank on a week night yikes). so I had to stop by ab workout 1/3 of the way in.  Well let me tell you in the past that would have been it.  I would have thrown in the towel and said I just can't do this, I can't make the commitment right now I am too busy.  But I didn't!

As tough as it was to make time to do two workouts last night (although they only take about 25-30 minutes each) I did it.  I had to say to myself this is tough...but I am tougher.  I am worth this and I can do it.  Let me tell you I almost quit....I almost didn't do all three rotations in the ab challenge because it was so hard.  BUT I DID IT!!!!!!  I know I sound like a kid who pooped on the potty for the first time, but it has been so long since I have really pushed myself.  Since I have made the decision to put myself first and to take charge.  Who knew joining an online challenge would be the thing that did it.  If I am being honest, I don't really care what it took.  I feel like I am really starting to realize that I need to make sacrifices to get healthy (I plan to post on this tomorrow or Tuesday) and that my overall health is worth it.  I also am realizing as I said in my last post I need to trust the process.  My weight hasn't changed much but my exercise has, next up is cleaning up the eating and then I know the weight loss will fall into line 

Is anyone else doing the challenge?  If so how is it going?  If you aren't in the challenge what keeps you motivated?
So this week had its ups and downs.  I got very discouraged with the lack of scale movement.  Then I realized if I
really want it to move I need to do two things.  I need to work harder and I need to have faith in myself and this process.  So that is what I am doing.  I am hanging tough. I am starting the two week challenge tomorrow (Monday) and am looking forward to it.  I know it is going to be very tough but maybe tough is exactly what I need.  Taking the easy way has gotten me to at my heaviest in about year and half and I hate it.  I can do two weeks.  I will worry about the results and what comes next after that.  How is everyone else doing?  Also, if you are part of the Mamavation Sisterhood be sure to go check out those moms who are running to be the Mamavation Moms in the next campaign.  Have a great week everyone
Yeah that would be me.  I was cranky today.  The scale hasn't been cooperating (in the spirit of honesty it probably shouldn't be) and I caught my reflection in the mirror and found out exactly where those 15 (yes fifteen) pounds I have gained since this summer went.  It was no pretty-no it wasn't!  I was cranky, and sad, and more than anything disappointed in myself.  So this level of self hate is something I have been working on for a long time.  So immediately texted my friend to talk me down from the ledge and she told me what I needed to hear.  Have faith in eating right and keep at it....its not perfection its progress.  Have faith in working out....it will pay off.  So I kept that in mind and made good food choices even when eating out for dinner.  The kid wanted chocolate chips cookies and I didn't make them because I knew I was to weak to say no.  Then I chose to get a jump on my two week Mamavation challenge and not only did one of the workouts, I added jogging in place between the activities, and did a few activities from another days workout to boot.  I realized I just have to keep at this because the alternative is not an option.  Giving up is not an option.  So I am not giving up I am just going to put more effort and believe in myself and keep going forward!

Picture My latest book to review was a book about Cynthia Helms the wife of late director of intelligence Richard Helms.  Although a lot of the book was about Mrs. Helms life with her husband the head of CIA it was also about her early life as young woman in WWII Britain and her role in the war effort.  This book was an amazing looking into the "Greatest Generation" and an amazing first hand account of the Cold War.  As a history teacher I loved the look into cold war and the players within the United States government.  Not often do we hear the side of the story from such an intimate first hand account to these events.  Now I will say this, if I wasn't a history geek I think it may have been hard to follow some of this biography in the later chapters.  The story at the end was a whose, who of Cold War Washington.  If you are not well versed in who a lot of people were, the biography might have lost some of the overall appeal.  Overall, this biography was a great read about one of the lesser known figures in our nation's (and Britain's) history.  I am going to give this 3 out of 5 stars because of the last few chapters, but for history buffs it would be a 4 out of 5.
Mamavation Mondays Hello everyone-So this past week I have been kind of all worked up about my lack of progress so I decided in the spirit of no more excuses to get off my butt.  If you look at my post from earlier last week I applied to be one of the next Mamavation Moms and did an application video...it was super scary but I was glad I did it and entered.  Then I also signed up for the two week fitness challenge from Mamavation to get my booty in gear with the exercise.   I may not be able to move and will probably spend more time looking up how to do the exercises than it take me to actually do it.  Then on top of that I signed up for prior fat girls diet bet.  The deal is you put up 20 bucks and pledge to loose 4% of your body weight.  If you don't you loose the money if you do-You split the pot with everyone else who does plus 10% goes to charity if not more.  4% in four weeks is a lot but you know what the pot is up to 7000 so let me be clear I can loose 4% for a share of that.  I just felt I needed to stop hiding and start doing...what do I have to loose!

Also I am working on the eating piece.  I made homemade veggie burgers for lunch (this weekend was tough with hubby's bday but the rest of the week should be ok).  Also I am excited to learn more about the featured blogging carnival guest Roni who is going to be sharing her new lite bites book.  As a mom we all how picky the kids can be so I would love to hear what she has to offer.

How has everyone else's week gone?  Anything new out there peeps?  Have a great week to all the Mamvation Moms

Disclaimer: “This post is sponsored by Roni Noone and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway ”