Ok so I have always decided that since this is my safe place and that I can talk about anything I am going to.  I have made loose reference to my recent weight gain.  It isn't horrific but I currently weight more than I have in about two years.  As of about a week or so  ago the scale was at 236.  I hate even typing it.  I feel anxiety while putting it up on the page.  I hate it I really do. Yet there is part of me that wants to not care about it. It is a number.  Just that. It isn't a judgment about me.  It doesn't say if I am a good or bad person.  It is a number.  It is a number that I need to make smaller for my health of course.  Yet, often I do let that number define me and I shouldn't.


It is a fucking number..that is all.  Nothing other than that.  One small (or large in my case) measurement of my overall healthy.  That number ran a 5k….I know people 100 pounds thinner than me that couldn't do that.

That said, I need that number to get smaller-I just do.  So I have been working on that and am glad to report that those numbers are heading in the right direction.  Even if they don't I need to work on that being ok.  That is another post for another day.

To all of you struggling with a number…..don't let that be who you are.   It is nothing more than a number.

So this week's Mamavation topic is non-toxic cleaners.  For me I personally love Method cleaners.  Now I do know that they are not as "clean" as some but I really do like that and have switched over.  I may start to investigate other cleaner options.  I am looking forward to seeing what everyone over at Mamavation is using.

Now on to my personal update. It has been awhile since I have blogged.  I am sort of in hiding.  Not a weight thing just a lot going on at home.  I will post more about that later.  Weightloss wise I have been doing good I have lost about four pounds in the last few weeks and am tracking again which is good.  Still trying to figure out the exercise routine and fitting that in. Papa Hunt has been working out with me which is nice but sometimes he backs out so then I am hard time pressing on-on my own.  Also today I took the dogs out and took one out for a wee bit of a jog and it felt great.  I think I may try and get out on warmer days and do a quick mile or so jogging and walking so that when I get back to the running in the spring I am not completely back to zero.

So how has everyone else been doing out there?  What are your fav non toxic cleaning products?

Ok so before I get to the exciting topic at hand…favorite healthy recipe a quick update.  I am still stalled through well all the fault of my own.  It is finals week at work so I am crazy there, the hubs had the stomach flu then regular sick, then I had a bladder and kidney infection, and now I am sick.  Needless to say I am still maintaining because getting the healthy eating and exercise routine has been tough…but I am starting fresh today.  Had a healthy breakfast despite feeling like crap and plan to eat as good as I can till I can workout.  I have a chest cold so my plan is to work the upper body Mamavation 2 week challenge exercises until I can do more of the stuff that involves cardio (well not cardio but you know more deep breathing!).

Also, I have a lot on my mind lately…some of it personal with my own journey that I will talk about later but also some people I love are going through a lot.  SO those who do the prayer thing if you could all say a prayer for a high school classmate and niece of my mom's BFF her son is going in for his second round of antibody treatment (her son has a horrible form of cancer and had been through chemo and a stem cell transplant already).  They need this treatment to work so I will be praying hard from them.  Also a friend from work is having a mastectomy today and for some reason this has me really emotional.  This woman is the funniest, sweetest, most positive woman you will ever meet.  She comes to work and teaches when she can despite being super sick.  She is amazing and I know this is a major surgery and needed but it still breaks my heart for her (as of hitting publish her husband posted she is out of surgery).  So prayers for them both today as they both get one step closer to kicking cancer's ass.


Ok so on to some good stuff….so this recipe is adapted and stolen from www.skinnytaste.com.  It is the easiest cookie ever!  Plus my kids will eat them and think they are "real" cookies not the healthy stuff.  You take two bananas mash them up, add in one cup of quick oats, and a few tablespoons of chocolate chips (I use vegan) bake at 350 till slightly browned and firm.  YUMMMYYYYYY!!!  Super easy and  not that horrible health wise.

So how is every else's week going?  I can't wait to read about everyone's healthy recipes this week!

So there really hasn't been a lot going on and a lot on here in Huntville.  I started to get my ass in gear in terms of getting back on track with the eating and started back with the exercising.  I was hanging tough…then the stomach flu hit.  Papa Hunt hit the porcelain pretty hard…I just have been sick to my stomach for a few days.  I went right back to white food eating (bread, rice, crackers) and it sort of blew my momentum.

So now that I am feeling a bit better I am feeling back on track.  I also am reading a really great book that has me thinking.  Tosca Rena who has put out the Clean Eating Books had a new release this month called the Start Here Diet.  It is not just another repackaged Clean Eating book…it is a look into how to make a huge positive change in your attitude.  It explores her own journey to loose 70 pounds and turn her life around.  I like the questions is asking me to think about-Things I don't really want to think about but really need to think about if I am every going to really get a handle on this weight loss thing.  So that is about it from here….how is everyone else doing in this first week post New Years?

First and foremost let me say how glad I am to be back…both in the sense of Mamavation and in the sense that I feel like I have my head in the game.  The powers that be over at Mamavation decided to bring back the weekly blogging carnival and I am super excited.  I like that I need post weekly but I also like the inspiration that I get from those who post.

So this week's focus is goals or the dreaded New Year's Resolution.  This year I am being bold…no goals with timelines (I always get discouraged over not meeting them) No weightless Goal (its more than a number on the scale) No disappointments over not making my goals.  This year there is just one goal…one focus for 2014…..The Year of ME!  I don't mean this in a super conceded its all about me way…but that my focus needs to be on me.  My actual goal is to be Kind and Good to myself.  What that looks like in practice

1.  I will be kind in how I speak to myself….no more hating and disappointment (This of course will be the hardest thing for me

2.  I will put food into my body so that it can run and feel good (Clean foods and no dairy since I eat it and it kills my stomach)

3.  I will move my body so that I feel healthy and strong

4.  I will take time for myself and the pursuits that I enjoy (more time blogging, knitting,  journaling)so that I am a happy mom and wife

5.   I will opt out of work Drama.  This means the Drama of feeling left when not invited to things and not getting inside jokes (I need to edit this and add in some clarification-thanks Lexy for the reminder).  I know that this drama is 99% in my head….no one makes me feel left out I make myself feel this way and am sick of the self inflicted drama..  No Drama about things at work beyond my control (I will always fight for my students but some of the Drama I can opt out of).  My job is that…a job. I am a good person who is good at my job there doesn't need to be Drama.

In general I just want to spend some time rediscovering who I am.  I think often as a Mother, Teacher, and Wife I get lost in those roles and the real me gets buried.  That persons needs and desires gets lost in favor of everyone and everything else.  My hope and goal for 2014 is get back to being ME.  Which if you look at the title of my blog….that is what this place and space is all about.

So I am wishing all of you…My Mamavation Family, My readers, and My real life friends and family who read this a very Happy New Year!  Enjoy all the promise that a New Year brings!

So yesterday I had some quiet time to reflect on what has been going on in my life.  I thought about my most recent post about how I have gained some weight recently and how angry I am at myself over it. I looked at the loving comments that were left and I decided something. Although I know I won't be able to complete shed the anger and disappointment about my weight gains or lack of losses that I need to stop beating myself up.  I know the only thing that leads to is a self defeating feeling that makes me more unmotivated then ever.  I learned so much during my time of Mamavation and need to move on.  There is a quote that I love that says and I am paraphrasing here "Its not how many times you fall its how many times you get up" so here is to getting up again and trying something new.  I soul searched and I realized right now weight watchers isn't for me…I am going back as I said in my earlier post to myfitnesspal (feel to stalk me there Mommahunt16) I would love some company.  I also realized this needs to be just as I learned in Mamavation not about a number but about being healthy and for me that healthiness needs to also be mental.  So today I got up and went for a walk with my pups….trying to work on the healthy thing and realize that the scale and its stupid number will fall into line once everything else does. I need to stop obsessing and beating myself up.  Thank you again for all the kind words it helps more than you know!

This is so embarrassing to admit but I am sort of lost in terms of my weight loss journey.  I totally know what to do but I am just not doing it.  I am currently blaming my lack of motivation on work but that isn't the excuse…I am just not willing to do the hard work I need to.  Althought I have kept my weight within five pounds for the last year and half (I have lost about ten then gained and lost it again and again).  I want to kick my scale in the face, I want to kick my Weight Watchers app in the face, I am just a pissed off big girl who is sick of this being so hard.  I know this is just me in tantrum mode.  I am thankful that I am still active otherwise I know it would not be five pounds up right now it would be a lot more.  I just wish it could be easy-but I know its not ever really going to be

My other confession-I binge ate for the first time in forever.  Not the binging of old but the stuff shit in my face because I am pissed off.  Things at work have settled down to a constant level of yucky which I can deal with but there is some stupid other little stuff that has been going on both and home and at school (social stuff not actually related to my job) as well has a major project for a graduate class due in a week, and the holiday has sent me over the edge.  It is so embarrassing to say that I did it and I crying now because I am mad that I did it.  Yet I am glad it did.  It makes me realize that I need to do something.  I need to first relax and stop being nasty to myself.  I need to stop trying to be perfect and getting upset when I am not.  I just need to keep plugging away and eventually things will start to fall in line.  I wish weight loss could be easy but I know its not but its worth it.

I hate the feeling that I have when I get not he scale and it doesn't move….I know why its not its because I am eating like shit-and frankly I feel like shit to be honest. I have the least two weeks have been eating food I never do and I feel sluggish and shitty.  I know what needs to be done but I have been let myself slip in to old dangerous territory to deal with my stress.  I need to stop being a whiny bitch and do something.

Ok so now I am just whining and rambling so I like a good plan….so hear it is!

1. I ordered myself an new scale that hooks up with my phone and my fitbit so I can track weight loss and body fat as two measures of success

2.  I have decided I need to journal or blog more (I am a blogger on two to her sites that mine) I need an outlet for my stress other than the cookies

3.  My goal is to journal my food in take and try to stick with the mamavation diet I was given as much as I can (I realize with holidays it might be hard but I am going to try).  I think I will use weight watchers for now-the online subscription is not that expensive as a good tracker.  I get a bit obsessive about weight watchers but I know if i seriously like stick to something weight watchers calories I will do better

4.  Keep up with the exercise.  Emily over at FitandFreeEmily has a goal of exercise in some capacity every day (like walking the dogs counts etc).  I need to up what I am doing. Although I am heavier in weight then a few months ago I know I am way more physically fit.

So confession time is over, there is plan….I will be keeping you updated!  Thanks to everyone who reads this-especially those of you who get the whole tantrum of not wanting to do it. Yet i know all those people I have followed online have gotten to their happy healthy place but stopping the tantrums and getting shit done.  Here is to trying again….just need to remember its the getting up that counts not the falling down

Where I am at-surviving!  It is a crazy time of year and I am attempting to try and get my eating back on track and actually tracking with weight watchers online again.  I know that I really can't be doing meeting-time and sometimes as helpful as meetings can be I am not in the mental place to have a public weight in.  Plus, let me be honest I need to be sure that if I am paying that kind of money I need to be "in it to win it".  I have also been working out with my t25 tapes and trying to keep up with the Mamavation 2 week challenge.  I am not loosing weight but I haven't been gaining any so I will take what I can!  

Other than that things at school have calmed down a bit (or maybe I have) either way I will take it!  Sadly my little lady is sick-I can hear her coughing while she is sleeping so sad.  Other than that, I am trying to keep my head above water in my grading and I have a graduate class that is due by the first week of January and my goal is to have it done by Dec 22 so I can have my Christmas vacation dedicated to fun with the family!

So as many of you know I had been training to run a 5k.  I have participated in two previous official events but in one I walked the entire thing and the second one I had to walk parts of the race.  I was determined that I would run an entire one.  I had my sites set on one particular race.  I had signed up a few years ago for a race at Mystic Aquarium to benefit the penguins but had to cancel because my best friends son was being baptized that day.  I figured when I signed up in August that I would have enough time to train and get ready.  Well I wasn't exactly ready but I really ramped up my training so that although slow I could run the entire thing.  My college good friend Rebecca also volunteered to meet me there.  The best part of this race….free admission to the aquarium post race.  Ok that isn't the best part…..these guys were the best part!!

So as I said in my last post I said I wasn't buried under a pile of papers...well not yet at least.  The start of the school year has been a lot to take in.  This year my school went with a new schedule which is modified block (that means some days my classes meet for 44 min the other days they meet for 86).  The also allows for a daily meeting with other teachers to work on new state mandates.  In addition we have changed the levels from AP/Honor 1, 2, 3, (three being the lowest) to AP, Honors, and Academic which means all new classes because the students in the classes now have different abilities.  At the end of last year I chose to go back to teaching the lowest level classes (I always had taught the lowest level until about three years ago).  Well since then there have been a lot of changes included a lot more needy children in our district along with full inclusion classrooms.  This has been a very hard adjustment.  Not anything I can't handle and I already love my students but it is overwhelming when almost half the class has learning disabilities, emotional disabilities, physical disabilities that impair their learning, or students who are just learning the English language.  I also have some students who have such challenging disabilities they are non-verbal.  Yet, because of the new state standards for teacher evaluations part of my job is based on whether or not I can have these kids do better on a standardized test from the beginning of the year to the end.  It is scary...it doesn't mean I hate my students or their needs, it is just overwhelming.

Its overwhelming to know that a large portion of my yearly evaluation is now based on student performance.  I know I am a good teacher, I know that I work hard and my students learn, its just now they are tested in a manner that I don't agree with.  There are kids in my room now matter how much they try will never do well on this writing and reading test (PS I teach history and they aren't tested on history they are tested on reading and writing skills-that is whole other post it self).  I hate having to care about this.  I want to care about my subject matter, I want to care about bringing history alive for my students in a way that reaches all my students regardless of ability level.  Yet, reality is I have to care and that is overwhelming.

Its also overwhelming in the amount of need my students have.  I want them all to be successful and they all need such different things. I no lie have a special education teacher making me a chart to organize the accommodations that each student gets so I don't forget anyone's accommodations.  It is overwhelming because I am passionate about what I do.  I want every student to be successful in my room and I am willing to do whatever it takes to try and make that happen but when in my smallest class a minimum of ten students have to get special services I worry I am going to forget to do something for a kid and I would feel awful.  I know this will all be fine in a few more weeks when I get to know my students better and their needs and their educational preferences but right now it is overwhelming even when I have my smallest amount of students ever at just over 80. 

So because I have been so overwhelmed with work, keeping up with all my new responsibilities and requirements for the teacher evaluation program, and getting prepared for these new classes it has left me emotionally drained.  To the point of tears some days I am so tired.  Add in a 6 year old with anxiety who has trouble sleeping at night and that makes for one mom who is unmotivated to do anything more than her job as a mom and teacher.  That has pushed aside any desire to exercise or continue to train for my 5k.  This makes me sad because I was on schedule for my Oct 19th Penguin run.  I am going to try and still get there but it is hard to focus on anything else right now.  In fact I have so many amazing books and products to review but I cant even think about those yet.  

Yet, I realized that if I am going to take care of my kids and my students I have to start taking care of me.  It isn't that I have been eating bad I haven't its just lack of exercise.  So I decided a schedule is daunting so my plan is this.  I have signed up for the Mamavation 2 week challenge which I plan to do every day and I want to get out and jog when the weather is nice enough and we have time in the family schedule for me to get out there.  Realistically some days it may be one or the other and I am ok with that.  I just need to get back to having at least 30min a day for me and that me times need to be fitness.

Hey readers,  thanks for hanging in there with me.  It has been a wild ride with the start of school-one I truly wasn't expecting.  Thanks for hanging in and your support!

Once you have entered this you can go to your menu plan or your fitness plan.  Below is what your fitness plan looks like once you have clicked on it.



What I liked about the fitness plan is that not only does it have a video that goes long with it you see that button all the way to the right...that allows you to swap out an activity if it is too hard for you or if you do not have the equipment at home.  For example I swapped out a kettle ball routine for the inch worm because I don't have a kettle ball at home.



Above is a screen shop of the video.  Each exercise has a description of how to do the exercise, how long/how many reps, and the video for you to watch.  Basically everything a personal trainer would explain or keep track of for you if you were at the gym.  Also, you can't see it from this screen shot but the app also allows you to choose which music from your iPhone that you will be listening too.

Now above is one of what I thought was the best features of this program...an idiots guide of how not to hurt yourself.  I thought this was great especially for someone like me who is a beginner at strength training who might not know what good form should look like.  I don't think you would be looking at these videos for everything but if you are trying out a new exercise and want to make sure that not only are you doing it right but that you aren't going to injury yourself.


Finally, the last really great part of this program was the meal plans.  Now since I am doing weight watchers I wouldn't follow these plans exactly but there were many, many great recipes on the site and some really good menu plans.  For someone who isn't doing weight watchers this is the perfect thing.  Not only does it tell you how many calories to eat, it is giving nice balanced meals with portion sizes and best of all RECIPES!!!!!!!   So what you have below are screen shots of the menu plan and a few recipes.
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thank you all so much for very positive and much needed comments on last weeks post. I started by making little steps. I started tracking again and also getting back on track with my C25K program. Additionally, I sat down yesterday with a five week calendar and wrote out all my workouts. Now I do know that weather might play a factor in this but I figured I would treat it the same way I treated my workouts when I was a Mamavation Mom...if I have to I double up one day or twitch the days around a bit. I felt that if I had a workout schedule I had something to focus on. I also tried challenging myself a bit in terms of my workout with running. Instead of taking the easy route while I am doing intervals I know I can run I took a new route to try and today I picked doing the hill running. Now I did have to stop but I did extra running at the end to make up for it. I was proud that I have a plan. Also, I have been working hard on not eating my stress. Usually this time of the summer I have been into my classroom 10 times already to set up, make copies, and plan my first few weeks. Yet, our building is undergoing huge renovations and we are not allowed in with children under 18...so that means no school visits until today when the hubs can watch the kids. My room thankfully doesn't need a lot of work (for those non teachers this is moving furniture, bulletin boards, supplies etc). Yet, I need to be ready to go by Wednesday because we are day tripping this Thursday to Mystic Aquarium and then Friday the hubs is having minor surgery (more on this soon). So that means no more going into work after that. I also went out dress shopping I am a bit geeky but I love a new fancy dress for the first day of school. I didn't find "the"dress but I found a few options for the rest of the year while out. I also really tried to remain positive and not look incessantly at all my faults and imperfections. I just keep telling myself this isn't about a size or weight this is about being a healthy wife, mom, and teacher for all those who depend on me. This is also while I am taking a bit of a break from posting my weight...I mentioned before I found myself slipping into that dark hole of obsessing about the scale. I am still going to weight watchers, I still weight myself, but I am desperately trying to focus on baby steps as Kia mentioned last week. Thanks again for all the support, I love the comments!!

So here is the weekly update after a really great almost four pound loss this week I gained a wee bit back and I am ok with that.  I know my body and I know how it likes this up down up down game.  If at the end of the month I am less I count that as a victory.  I did stay true and try and get out to exercise more which I was happy with.

I also had a sort of NSV (non scale victory) if you will this week.  When I applied to be a Mamavation Mom I really wanted to have this be the first of many steps in a weight loss and healthiness journey.  So I promised myself that I didn't want to be that mom who sat round and had her kids blobbed out in front of the TV.  So on Sunday I got and started back with Couch to 5k to get me over my running hump (I can do a mile straight but that is about it so I figured try this for awhile and get on a planned routine). So I went out and did about two miles in 30min.  Then I got back took a breather and then said to my son, lets go for a bike ride.  My goal for him is to get off his training wheels this summer.  So he and I went out and did a two mile ride.  Not much on a bike but for me who doesn't ride much and him it was huge.  I was proud I was tired after running but I decided being a healthy mom and setting a healthy example was more important to me then relaxing.  

I am starting to realize that the stuff with the scale will fall into line, but what I am doing in these early months post Mamavation is finding my way to a healthy lifestyle and for that I am very pleased with how I am doing.

Up this week...my goal was to track all my food this week (so far one day done!).  It was also to stick with the every other day running schedule.  On a personal note we head out for our family vacation this  Sunday so I want to have one of my two graduate courses done before I leave.

How was your week everyone???

This is my friend Sue from work who only started running a few years ago she is a great inspiration and a huge cheerleader for me.  It was great to see her there!

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This was before the race with the rose gardens in the background....although you can't really see them.

So here is my photo montage-I am serious proud as peacock over this.  I know some people think it may be silly but you know what its my blog and I will celebrate what is a really huge achievement for me!

Ok so its time for a little honesty around here.  I have been talking about how great Mamavation was (and believe me it was) there has been a downside as well.  For whatever reason after the campaign ended my eating disorder kicked back into high gear.  I don't know if it was the nature of weight in and pressure that I felt or maybe it was that I was working so hard and following a plan very strictly, or the stress of the end of a shitty school year but my mind went crazy.  Now thankfully I wasn't full on binging but there were days where I overate, there were a lot of times I ate crap, then felt like crap, then ate more crap because I felt like crap.  It is a viscous cycle and I hate it and often times this is very very hard to stop.  

First let me say how crazy it is that it is already July.  I am so excited for all the finalists who are in the process on the way to becoming Mamavation Mom's.  I know how nerve wracking this is for them and I wish them all well.

Although my eating has not been great-not horrible but not great....I have been running. Every other day and on Sunday I ran a practice 5k.  Although my overall time only dropped by like 5 seconds I was able to get my first mile time down to 13 minutes which was great and it means I am running the whole thing and at a good pace too.

My goal is to get my eating back under control it has been hard the first week being home with my kiddos and making the transition but I have a goal for the summer which is to be as active as possible and get down to about 210 or less before school starts again.  I hope you all have a great week!

How has everyone's week been??

My weekly update, I have been eating better and counting weight watchers points and slowly getting active now that I am feeling better.  I have a 5k in two weeks that I would like to be running a bit more for so I have been going out every other day jogging-I may up that to a few days in a row although I don't want to over do-I always an all or nothing mentality.

So my goals for this week.  Track my food, back to basics, and every other day runs with strength training from the Mamavation plan at least two days.  How was everyone's week?

Ok so this week was not so great, I am still sick.  Not bed ridden sick but this lung this just won't go away. Anything physical and I am coughing so hard I can't breath.  The doctor now has me on steroids and is hoping that will help...yikes.  So needless to say the scale was not my friend and I had my first gain at weight watchers in ten weeks (I did have a small gain while doing Mamavation but my weigh in days were different).  I gained 1.8 which is a lot and I am disappointed but only more driven to keep an eye on my food intake until I am able to exercise more.  My goal is to get out and walk a few miles even if I can't run them yet.

Looking forward I am signing up for 3 5k....one in three weeks that I would like to try and run most of it.  It is a great race a Go Red for Women event in Elizabeth Park...for those not around me it is a huge park and in the summer the park is full of blooming roses!  Then I am going to do a Penguin Run where you run around the Mystic Aquarium and part of your race prize is a free day at the aquarium.  Then the third is the one I am most excited about.  I am going to do a Zombie chase in Nov!  You can either race as a human or a Zombie.  My thought is if I sign up for enough of them I will keep at it. I know that the jogging played a huge part the weight loss I was able to achieve.

So goals for this week
1.  Run at least once
2.  Walk at least two times
3.  Do two strength workouts

Disclaimer:
“  This post is sponsored by ChopChop Magazine and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway  ”