This is so embarrassing to admit but I am sort of lost in terms of my weight loss journey.  I totally know what to do but I am just not doing it.  I am currently blaming my lack of motivation on work but that isn't the excuse…I am just not willing to do the hard work I need to.  Althought I have kept my weight within five pounds for the last year and half (I have lost about ten then gained and lost it again and again).  I want to kick my scale in the face, I want to kick my Weight Watchers app in the face, I am just a pissed off big girl who is sick of this being so hard.  I know this is just me in tantrum mode.  I am thankful that I am still active otherwise I know it would not be five pounds up right now it would be a lot more.  I just wish it could be easy-but I know its not ever really going to be

My other confession-I binge ate for the first time in forever.  Not the binging of old but the stuff shit in my face because I am pissed off.  Things at work have settled down to a constant level of yucky which I can deal with but there is some stupid other little stuff that has been going on both and home and at school (social stuff not actually related to my job) as well has a major project for a graduate class due in a week, and the holiday has sent me over the edge.  It is so embarrassing to say that I did it and I crying now because I am mad that I did it.  Yet I am glad it did.  It makes me realize that I need to do something.  I need to first relax and stop being nasty to myself.  I need to stop trying to be perfect and getting upset when I am not.  I just need to keep plugging away and eventually things will start to fall in line.  I wish weight loss could be easy but I know its not but its worth it.

I hate the feeling that I have when I get not he scale and it doesn't move….I know why its not its because I am eating like shit-and frankly I feel like shit to be honest. I have the least two weeks have been eating food I never do and I feel sluggish and shitty.  I know what needs to be done but I have been let myself slip in to old dangerous territory to deal with my stress.  I need to stop being a whiny bitch and do something.

Ok so now I am just whining and rambling so I like a good plan….so hear it is!

1. I ordered myself an new scale that hooks up with my phone and my fitbit so I can track weight loss and body fat as two measures of success

2.  I have decided I need to journal or blog more (I am a blogger on two to her sites that mine) I need an outlet for my stress other than the cookies

3.  My goal is to journal my food in take and try to stick with the mamavation diet I was given as much as I can (I realize with holidays it might be hard but I am going to try).  I think I will use weight watchers for now-the online subscription is not that expensive as a good tracker.  I get a bit obsessive about weight watchers but I know if i seriously like stick to something weight watchers calories I will do better

4.  Keep up with the exercise.  Emily over at FitandFreeEmily has a goal of exercise in some capacity every day (like walking the dogs counts etc).  I need to up what I am doing. Although I am heavier in weight then a few months ago I know I am way more physically fit.

So confession time is over, there is plan….I will be keeping you updated!  Thanks to everyone who reads this-especially those of you who get the whole tantrum of not wanting to do it. Yet i know all those people I have followed online have gotten to their happy healthy place but stopping the tantrums and getting shit done.  Here is to trying again….just need to remember its the getting up that counts not the falling down
4 Responses
  1. gdibernardo Says:

    You are a phenomenal woman who does it all. I am proud to call you my friend.

  2. Kate Says:

    You are being wayyyyyyyy too hard on yourself. With so much on your plate somethings gotta give. Trust me, you'll take care of the immediate things and then onto the other stuff after the holidays. Be kind to yourself, the rest will fall into place when you are ready. Forcing yourself is not helpful. One step at a time! Happy Holidays!!1

  3. Hang in there! Some day you'll find the right combo that works for you and then we'll be in bikinis (hopefully together)!

  4. Maren Says:

    I agree with the others, don't be so hard on yourself. You have a plan, and sticking to it will take you where you want to go!

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