Showing posts with label Emotional Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotional Stuff. Show all posts
So I was going to start by apologizing for not blogging but guess what its my blog and I do what I want...Ok just kidding.  I was a senior class and advisor and a teacher at the end of the school stops lets be real here folks.

So last summer I spent most of my summer grieving.  Not like sitting around weeping but finally allowing some of my new reality minus my dad to sit in.  That also caused me to have a case of all the feels-in fact that still happens.  Sometime after the holidays and after my birthday I started to wake up.  Almost like I was walking around not 100% there for a year and half.  Well as time marches on so does life.  I started to realize the promise I made to myself the day my dad died wasn't actually happening.  The day he died I was being driven home by Ryan, looking out the window at a beautiful sunset happening over my favorite farm on the ride home and swore to myself that I would not let my dad's sudden death ruin me.  I wouldn't allow this to be the thing that crippled me, it wouldn't lead me to a life of bad behavior, it wouldn't be my excuse to be unhealthy it would be my motivation to life my life.  Well what I realized a few months ago was I haven't really been living I have been surviving.

So lets be real-any parent of young children is in sort of survival mode in terms of their own well being.  We do what we can when we can.  Yet, when reflecting on my life since my dad's death I hadn't been doing as much as I could.  I wasn't taking time for myself, I wasn't doing things I loved, I was experiencing life-I was going through the motions. Some of that was out of need that a lot of times emotions are still too overwhelming for me-but I owed myself and my dad's memory more.

So I promised myself as much as I could this summer-it would be the summer of ME!  Not in a selfish-F-you to everyone else-but that I would work on me.  I would do the things I had been putting off doing, I would do things I wanted to do-why because I wanted to do them, I would be the kind of mom I wanted to be, I would do things that scared me-why because I was alive to do them.

So this spring I started planning.  I threw out my old planner and got one that I could bullet (look up bullet journals-life changing).  I began by taking a sewing class shortly after my birthday.  I have always wanted to quilt so I started with a basic class.  Next week I will most likely be taking another and I am signing up to take an intro to sewing class in August!  I am even buying a sewing machine as soon as it gets instock!

Next thing was I promised myself I would begin to take care of my health a bit more.  We all know that is a sore spot with me.  I realized I need to work on being ok where I am and make changes for health.  I committed back to WW last week and although I will show a gain this week (July 4th and Chinese before weight in) I am going to be going all summer.  I scheduled a physical to discuss some of my stomach issues, my weight, my ankle issues, and scariest of all the possibility that I need to have my heart checked in case I have the same thing my dad did (it is from birth so most likely I don't but need to be safe).  I also signed up for yoga and have been working out several times a week.

Along those lines my good friend J told me about MELT fitness.  It is a bootcamp style class but they also help modify for the big girls like me.  I signed up for a 21 day challenge with 3 extra optional weeks.  This will bring me to the start of school.  To join is every expensive so my plan is to do this till school then join a gym and do MELT when money allows.  

Then finally, I started working with a Disney advisor to plan our Disney trip.  This is something I have dreamed about doing since Josie started to get into pricnesses.  Not that I didn't want to take Dylan but I knew he would love the ride etc for longer then princesses would be magical for Josie.  So I am booking that this week. Yes, the kids are young and it is super expensive and I am still trying to pay off our debt...but I just have felt this need to go.  Years before my dad died I was talking to the daycare workers and I said "I am going to wait till they are older since it costs so much" they looked at me and said "don't wait-you can always  make it work and do stuff cheaper if you need-don't wait because you never know what could happen God forbid" When they said I brushed it off to sentimental old ladies.....but this has stuck with me since my dad passed. Its not like he would be going with us to Disney-hell no he hated that sort of stuff.  He could have probably paid us just to make sure he didn't have to go!  Yet, that thought of why should I wait.  If I can make it happen then why wait.  I have a student now who is 16 and her mother is terminally ill.  Her mother's biggest regret is not being able to take her to disney-there is even a go fund my page.  If my ass didn't need a push to go here it is now.

So much rambling later you can see I am really making an effort to find myself.  Find out who I am now that I have lost my dad and I am navigating this world in a whole new way.  For those of you who still read this...get ready for lots of rambling because I need this space more than ever now that I am working on me!  

I can't believe its been so long since I have written a post.  Life has been good and complicated and not so good at the moment.  In terms of my healthy journey I am doing well-I have lost almost ten pounds since Janurary.  I know that doesn't seem like much but I am feeling a little bit more in control then I have before. I even gave up sweets for lent and despite a fall "off the lentin wagon" on my hubs bday I haven't really eaten any sweets or candy.  

My own journey with grief etc actually has been going really really well.  I have been doing ok but the kids have been having a rough time.  I will save that for another post.

Right now I am struggling to live in the moment.  We have a lot of credit card debt...not the unpayable kind just a lot more than I would like and the kind that makes me hate to have it.  The debt means we can't get a different house, it makes me feel like a failure financially.  I have a plan moving forward but right now it seems to cause me a ton of anxiety.  I know that debt is part of American culture but I hate it.  Part of it is piss poor spending habits on our part.  Always wanting more then what we have.  Always thinking I need to keep up with the joneses.  I hate that I can't take my kids on a big expensive disney vacation.  I hate that I can't do those things till this debt is gone.  I hate that I keep paying and paying and paying but then some major shit storm of finances hits and all the progress I made just goes right back on that stupid piece of plastic.  I know I need to tighten the belt but I hate doing that.  

But back to the living in the moment.  If my dad's death has taught my anything-it is that you don't know when your time is up.  Why spend your last few days worrying about money.  I know that eventually that debt will be paid off...someday and there is no sense in spending hours worrying about it.  As long as I am paying it off slowly and steadily we will get there.  Not maybe in the time frame I would like but eventually.  

So right now things are up and down...but mostly ok

I don't think I actually have any real resolutions this year.  You know smart goals of I will do X thing in this time.  I decided that after a year of being in mourning and trying to find my bearings...more survive then anything else.  That this year would be the year I take care of me.  I don't mean this in a selfish all about me all the time....I mean doing the things that I need to for me to be the best version of myself I can be.  

For that to happen I am really going to focus on getting healthy.  For me that is obviously the commitment to weight watchers (I lost the weight I put on over the holidays this week and was very happy with that).  It means exercising regularly because it helps center me and makes me feel better.  It means getting enough sleep and taking naps on the weekend if needed.  It means doing things that I enjoy and time for myself.  

I bought myself a lovely workbook to worth through my goals and desires to work on.  I have a journal for all my food stuff.  I am trying to blog more.  I am trying to do things that bring me happiness.  Sometimes that is stuff with my kids.  Sometimes that is stuff with friends or with Ryan without the kids.  Sometimes that is being alone.   As much as I love and need to be around people as an only child you often forget how used you are to being quiet and having time by yourself.  Since I have had kids that time has been non existent that is why I take the worlds longest showers-to enjoy the quiet.

I feel that sometimes towards the end of summer and I felt it again over Christmas break that I really have lost part of me.  I think its more than a working mom feeling overwhelmed lost part of me.  I think it loosing part of my identity when I lost my dad.  Almost if I lost a huge part of my life that anchored me-centered me.  I hate to sound cliche as shit but I feel this need to reinvent who I am.  Or maybe less then that.  Figure out this new me-this mom of two growing kids, a teacher in an ever demanding and sometimes heartbreaking job that is so different then it was 10 years ago, a wife in her 30's not a idealistic newlywed of 24, and a daddy's girl without her daddy.  

So I decided that this year is going to be about me.  Taking time for me....allowing myself to discover or rediscover the things that bring me happiness and joy.  So I hope that all of you my readers and the people in my real life who read this have a joyful new year.  That you find yourself spending this year in more happiness then darkness.....oh and that maybe you win that powerball that is now up to a Billion dollars (and if you win remember me people)

So this vacation I brought no work home.  All of my grading is done and I knew I would be spending a few days in NYC and then want to be with my kiddos for the rest of the vacation.  Well I was fighting a cold before school got out for the holidays and it has only gotten worse.  I even went to the Dr's on Monday to make sure it wasn't something serious.  Thankfully just a nasty cold and cough.  I was so sick that I cancelled a much look forward trip to NYC with friends for one night and the hubby another.  

So that has left me home with no grading, no plans, and no graduate classes to complete.  I have seriously found myself wandering around my house.  I am so used to being the point that when my dad died I signed on to sell Jamberry wraps to ensure that was always busy with selling them.  

I have been reading, cleaning, and organizing a bit.  Since I am sick I haven't felt up to doing much else.  We took the kids to see two movies (The Good Dinosaur-which I slept through and Star Wars).  
I figured as hard as it it for me to sit around and not do stuff I think that is maybe just what I need to be doing.  Taking time to just be with my kids and family.  Make myself sit and reflect.  I am trying to be focused on myself and take some me time.  That is one of the new focuses on the new weight watchers program.  Taking me time.  That is really hard-to just take time and be....

For me when I am not busy sometimes that means I am left to deal with my emotions.  Me dealing with my emotions is not an easy thing for me.  This is why I have eating issues.  To ignore my emotions I eat or keep busy.

Like I said I am not good at relaxing and not being busy but maybe this is exactly what I need to be doing.  

So although I have been working my weight loss program for a few weeks sadly I am not that skinny bitch I really want to be.  Tonight while trying no clothes (I am currently doing GwynnieBee) and I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror.  Typically, I just look at myself at the floor length mirror at the end of the hall in my house.  But I got a real good look.....maybe good isn't the word to use.  

What is interesting is this wasn't one of those self hatred moments....mostly it made me sad.  It made me upset that I have let me body get to this point.  I know exactly where that 25 pounds I put on went.  It hit me in that moment just how big I have let myself get.  I have always been a big secret there.  But I am the same size I was after I had both my kids....I am sad that I have not taken care of myself and this is the result.

It was also highly motivating.  It made me realize there just can't be anymore BS.  For the most party I have tracked every point and need to get back to adding in regular exercise.  Although most days I walk at least 10,000 steps I need to do more not only for stress management but to get this weight off.  I don't have to do anything radical just do something.

I won't lie I am sad....not the usual I hate myself.  Just more taking that feeling in and realizing I need to change.  I also promised myself to give the new weight watchers program my all.  For another 47 weeks since I am one week five now.  Its not running a marathon it is sticking to a plan to help myself.  Otherwise I may need to consider other option because what I saw in the mirror was the one thing I can't afford to be and that is unhealthy.  I no longer have the luxury of saying.....well my parents are fat but they are healthy.  I don't get that anymore-I get a parent who died at 64....that right there my friends is some serious shit that needs to be dealth with.

So yes, I am a bummed and sad-but sometimes I think we need reality to bitch slap us across the face to motivate us.  

So apparently I am a go big or go home kind of girl...yet I don't really think out if I would really be ok with going home.  So I had said previously that my goal was to run a 10k by the end of the summer.  Well I didn't realize that most 10K running programs suggest 12 weeks to bump from running 2.5 miles to the 6 needed.  Well hello I am not even doing a mile fully running right now and the race is 7 weeks away.  I am not giving up or quitting but I think I may change my race to the 5k with a goal of running it fully and with a decent time.  My new more realistic goal will be to run a 10k by the end of the school year.  I am a big girl and want to run long term so if I go to much to quick I am nervous I am going to injure myself.  As it is there are some runs that I need to have more than one day recovery for my calfs and ankles.  

It also makes me a little sad because my overall goal that I never really talked about was the run in the Hartford Marathon this October as a tribute to my dad.  I really wanted to cross that finish line.  I think it is more realistic to have the goal of a 10k by next spring then train for the half marathon over the summer.  Most half marathon training programs are 12-14 weeks.  

I often find I put so much pressure on myself to achieve (whatever that goal is) that I often get discouraged and quit.  Well not this time.  I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at my goals and saying....guess what its still a goal but just a different time frame. Sort of like my weight loss.  It doesn't have to happen over just needs to happen!

So I will keep you all updated on my 5k training.  My last run I did 20 minutes without stopping and that was good but my time is still super slow.  Hoping that if I faithfully do the couch to 5k program I will get that time better than the last time I rushed the program!  Who else out there is training for something fun?

As I talk a lot of my loss and my children's loss I often don't talk about those other's who lost someone when my dad died.  My uncle's lost a brother, My grandmother lost another son, my godfather lost his childhood friend and cousin, my "aunt's and Uncle's" lost a friend, and my husband lost his other dad.

My husband lost his partner in crime when on vacation with my parents.  He lost the man to hang out with and talk about nothing with, he lost the loving go to caretaker of his children, he lost the man who would always spoil his Son in law at Christmas and Birthday's with fun Christmas gifts not practical gifts and clothes.  He lost a lot....we all did.

In the past few months I have leaned heavily on my husband-something that I haven't been that good at.  Ever since his struggle with depression began I have really run the show (in the beginning by necessity and once healthy by choice)...especially these last two and half years that he was going back to school.  My father died right at the height of my husband's final set of classes for his masters.  He was always there.  Sometimes in the background silently he would be the support we all need, sometimes he was only parent because all I was was a body sitting there.  I wasn't there, I was checked out.  He was there the day my dad died as I screamed and sobbed and just held me up when I couldn't stand.  He walked my mother and I through picking a casket and planning a funeral.  He helped the kids deal with their grief knowing all to well what it is like to loose a loving grandparent too soon.  He did this all while dealing with his own loss and his constant struggle with depression

A lot of people who haven't walked the walk with a loved one having mental illness don't know what a delicate balance life is when someone is working every day for their mental health.  People think...oh they are fine now so everything is fine everyday.  People don't get that my husband works everyday on his health and sometimes that is easier than others.  Yet, during these last nine months he has figured out how to manage his depression while living in a home filled with grief and sadness.  Anyone who struggles with Depression knows that it is very hard to be around negativity and sadness and not have it affect you.  

I think people looking from the outside of my life, even my closest of friends don't see or know what it has been like in our house.  I put on a good face...all the time.  It looks like it always running the show Ryan doing his thing.  Even friends might hear a complaint about "ugh my hubby did this" but that is force of habit and what wives do.  

I don't go around saying...."hey guess what my husband did....He helped my daughter who was hysterical and crying for her grandpa while I closed my self in the bathroom and cried because I couldn't handle it."  Those stories of of him being the rock around here don't get told because to tell them means I show how messed up things were and sometimes still are.

It is hard for a girl like me who typically makes all the decisions in this house for me and for the kids to be so overwhelmed that I can't make decisions.   Ryan has stepped up, quietly without my asking, to take the lead when I couldn't.  This wasn't a comfortable place for him or for me but we have figured out this new step in our relationship.  

As I am coming up on my 11th anniversary with Ryan I thought it was time to say out loud (or at least online) how much his love and support have meant.  Thankfully he has been here for all the good years and is walking with me as I find my way out of this shit hole called grief.   I am thankful that despite being the other one who lost my dad he  have been able to stand next to me holding me up when I couldn't.  

Love you Schmoopy-Happy Anniversary I will forever be grateful for your love and support!

So now that it is finally summer I finally feel like I can finally take a breath and look around.  I sort of have put my head down and just did the every day stuff.  Got up, went to work, took care of my family, went to bed.  I honestly did not spend much if anytime taking care of myself or allowing my self to grieve.  Of course I have cried-but I would often take a deep breath-push that down, and keep pushing forward.  I even began a little side job to keep myself busy (as if i wasn't busy enough already).  I did it because if I was busy I wasn't alone with my thoughts or sadness.  Lets be honest I knew this wasn't healthy but it was survival.  Now that summer has hit I have time...and as much as I really would love to continue to push this sadness away and not acknowledge what is my new reality I can't do that anymore.  Its not healthy for me or for my family.  I have gained about 15 pounds in the last few months because I am not taking care of myself.  I was just pushing pushing pushing.  

Well not anymore.  I need to deal.  I need to start clawing my way back.  I was in a good place in the fall before this happened.  So those are my goals.  Here they are
1.  To deal with my shit
2.  To run a 10k

So odd these two things may seem but they are sort of one in the same.  My goal is to spend time this vacation dealing with all that comes with grief.  This is not to say that I am dellusional and think that this will all instantly be better. I just need to take time to grieve and be sad and work through some of this shit.  I also need to take care of myself.  I think now that I have nothing but time I can start to focus on that a bit more. Which is why I picked goal number two.  Running is hard for sucks but in a way it helps me sort out my thoughts.  I said once that I am often to busy trying not to die while running that I can't think about all the other crap in my head.  So I picked a goal (and this will be a hard one) and registered for a 10K the day before we go back to work.  I am scared that I might not make my goal but I go out almost every other day and get one step closer to that goal.  Its hard and sucks but you know what sucks...loosing my dad.  So running isn't really that hard in comparison.  

So I hope to keep you updated on these goals. Do you have any summer goals or hopes?  

Today is my first father's day in the 2.0 version.  Most new versions of operating systems of technology are newer better editions.  Well my 2.0 isn't better....its sort of this odd new shitty version.  
What can I say....I miss my dad.  I loved my dad and he loved me and my kids with a fierceness I can't even begin to comprehend.  Its very hard not to get sucked into the darkness of not having my dad here.  Yet, I won't indulge myself in a more than a minute or two of sadness.  That is my present to my dad.  He would never want me to be sad or devastated.  He would insist he wasn't worth those tears.  I also promised myself and my kids and my dad on the day he died that I wouldn't let this ruin me.  That I would use his death to help inspire me to get healthy.  I have been in survival mode and haven't been attending to myself.  So my gift to him won't be will be the motivation I need to get myself moving back to a healthy heart and mind.

So to my dad....You were the greatest dad a girl could ask for-Happy Father's Day.  I love you, I miss you, and I will every day of my life.  

I am blown away that today will mark six months since my dad died.  Six months since I was sitting in my desk watching my student teacher teach and then getting a text from my mom.  I remember every single second of that next three hours.  Every moment of that hour drive to the hospital, the moment I realized I was walking into a chapel and not a hospital room, and seeing my dad at the hospital.  Every single second-I remember.  I wish I didn't.  

So it blows my mind how it has been six months worth of seconds since that day.  It amazes me how in one breath six months feels like six seconds and on the inhale and six years by the exhale.  Some days it feels so fresh and new that I can't even bear it. Then other days it feels like years since this happened.  

Six months.....the longest I have ever gone without seeing my dad was the first six weeks of college when I made him promise he wouldn't come get me no matter how homesick I was.  The longest I have ever gone without talking to him-maybe a week.  Since I had the kids the longest I have gone without seeing him was the week I was in Florida last year at this time.  Now six months has gone by.  Half a year.  

Part of me wonders if it should hurt less by now.  That is shouldn't take my breath away when I realize he is gone or when I take a cute picture and go to send it to him and it hits me.  Then the other part of me doesn't want it to stop hurting like this.  For it to stop hurting means I am getting used to it.  I don't want to get used to it.  I want to scream and swear and cry just like I did when I rounded that corner and saw I was going into a chapel not a hospital room.  

Yet, I know He would be crushed to know how much life is just hard for us right now-all of us in our own way.  Then again he never would have left us had he the choice.  So just like he didn't have a choice to stay-I don't have a choice to keep going.  

My husband gave me his words of wisdom yesterday when I lost it and was crying.  I said it sucked.  He said no it doesn't suck it just is.  In a way to say that it sucks means to suggest that you can change it, or fix it.  This isn't something that can be changed it just is.  

Maybe I need to realize that this won't be about marking time since he left-maybe it will just be as a coworker said to me-The before and after.  Maybe that is easier to think about.   

I recently read two really great articles on grief and loss.  One was from the New York Times and the other from facebook that a dear work friend (I believe I have mentioned her before-Miss Sassy Pants I think is her code name).  They talked about how there is both the expectation of grief and how others see/help.  Then there is reality.  Reality around here sucks folks.

I wish my blog didn't have to turn into this emo place about me talking about how life sucks right now, but you know what-that is f-ing life for me right now.  I have had sympathy for people who have lost a loved one before.  I have felt really bad, and in some cases heartbroken.  Good friends, students, co-workers have all lost very close loved ones.  I felt for them, I tried to help in any way I could.  It wasn't until I have experienced my own "real" loss that I have realized my sympathy wasn't really "getting" it.  I thought I could empathize with them.....I was wrong.  Now looking back at those people in my life who have lost loved ones-Miss Sassy Pants, My Sister Wife (who works with my husband), other co-workers, and students-I don't know how they did it.  They made it look easy-like they were ok.  Now what I am realizing is they weren't ok-they were doing what I am.  Faking it.

I spent a lot of time in therapy working on embracing my feelings and not trying to cover up my feelings.  Well right now that is sort of what I have to do in order to function.  I have to have some sort of wall up-a protection from the full brunt of this loss.  Almost like a band aid or padding on a huge wound. Even with it on there, there are movements where I move the wrong way the pain strikes-fierce and sharp.  There is no way I can take the bandage off right now-its not healed enough.   The pain would be too much to handle-little bits here and there I can take-but its not ready for no padding yet.  When-I don't know, but someday.

Sometimes those movements come when having a flash back of my ride to the hospital or what happened there, sometimes its seeing a picture of my dad, or its seeing the last text message he sent me on my phone that I can't bring myself to delete (it was a wonderful picture of Dylan from his last soccer game), or often its when my children say how much miss they their grandfather.  

I sometimes feel just like my daughter Miss J.  Today, like many days when my mom comes to bring the kids to school.  Miss J wakes up when the dogs bark to of course notify us that my mom is here.  She frantically calls for me-looks at me and ask me ever so hopefully who is here to bring her to school.  When I answer Noni and Aunty Betty or Grandma and Papa she looks instantly heartbroken when she realizes that Grandpa isn't here (for those who don't know my dad has brought the kids to school or taken care of Josie almost every day of her whole life).  It breaks my heart to tell her my dad isn't here-its like I am ripping off her band aid and its ugly. Reality for us right now is just that a letdown-its ugly and not pretty. 

In a way I feel bad for all those people who I thought were ok after experiencing their losses-because they seemed fine.  Well in theory I am fine too.  I get up, I go to work, I talk to friends, coworkers, family, I am a mom to my kids, I lead a somewhat productive life.  I am able to do this because I keep my wound very tightly guarded.  Unfortunately it makes me feel distant-from my husband, friends, coworkers-especially those who do not "get" this loss.  

It makes interacting sometimes hard-as I can only fake it so much.  It make quiet time hard for me.  I have to read in bed until the moment I am ready to fall asleep-otherwise I won't sleep.  Christmas vacation was tough because I wasn't busy enough to make myself tired enough and I had time to be quiet and reflect.  Letting down the wall a little was good-but hard.

I am sure it is hard for those who love me to know how/what to do with me.  I seem somewhat ok-but they know I am not.  I guess to those in my real life I would say hang in there.  I still need you in my life.  Maybe I just need you in a different way.  Maybe I need you to cut me some slack.  I need you to be patient in that it is hard for me to make decisions because I have a hard time thinking.  I often feel child like in my inability to act or do things that I could easily do.  I need you understand that right now I need happy things, light things-I can't really do drama or negativity.  Hell I can't read or watch things-its like hitting the wound.  To actually deal with hurt or negativity  in my real life is unmanageable at best.

The reality of this whole thing is overwhelming and hard to manage.  I hate to say but I think a lot of this blog is going to be me rambling my way through my grief.  I get if people don't want to read it.  I wouldn't want to....then again I never got it until now.  Reality is shitty folks.  But this is mine and I am managing my way through it the best I can.  

So for those parents of school age children there is always the wonder of when the magic of Christmas is going to fade as their children get older.  I honestly haven't given the whole Santa thing much thought.  Here in the Hunt household we have been going through the motions these days.  We also have made a point of not making too big of a deal about Santa and gifts as we discovered our oldest gets really anxious about upsetting Santa and he is a good boy and I don't want him freaked out about Santa.  

Anywho, a friend posted on Facebook about how her son was defending that Santa was real to his friends at school (who also happen to be at the same school as my kiddos).  I instantly got upset.  What if someone at school was telling my son that Santa wasn't real.  It sort of broke me to think that my son would have one more part of his innocence stolen this year.  So I didn't bring it up to him and we talked about the excitement of the season.  

Master D had asked for a special gift from Santa that Papa Hunt and I couldn't find anywhere.  I mean we had his aunts and uncles in three states looking at five different retail stores to find this thing.  We had even told him that he wasn't getting it for the holiday.  He told us well maybe Santa could get it for him.  We were sweating it-we had the back up gift ready.  Well just to our luck we found this sought after gift back in stock three days before the holiday and had it express delivered to the house. 

Well on Christmas Morning when he came out to see the gifts carefully placed where Santa always leaves his gifts and books he says out loud "Santa is Real-I knew it"  It made me so happy to know that this moment for him was pure joy-Pure childhood innocence.  This was the magic of christmas at its core.  

When I asked him later about saying this he said friends at school said that Santa wasn't real that it was just parents giving gifts. Master Dy then said-you couldn't get that present and only Santa could have gotten it here.  I knew he was real.  

For me this was just what I needed.  I needed to know that despite our sadness that Christmas was still about the joy and wonder of the season.  That no matter how sad we were the magic of the season shinned through in this moments and many others these past few weeks.  

I hope for all of you the holiday was filled with these little moments of holiday magic as well.   

I know it has been a long time since I have posted.  I guess after posting about my dad it seemed odd to post some book review or talk about inane little things.  In a way little things is all I can talk about.  We are getting by here in the hunt house hold but it hasn't been easy that is for sure.  My own grief seems overwhelming but add to that having to deal with my children's grief and loss.  Its a lot.  At the end of the day I feel like I have run a marathon.  Today-the day after Christmas I feel like I got hit but a truck.  I never realized how just getting through a day would take so much effort. Now please readers don't take this in a I am depressed sort of thing-it is just there is so much emotion and memory tied to the holiday season and add to that the loss of my dad and its overwhelming emotionally.  I am planing on using my vacation this year for some quiet time with my kids and husband and just sort of take some me time.  To get some rest-both actual and emotional.  Teaching is like putting on a show everyday-trying to do it when I am not 100 percent is exhausting.  

I wanted to thank everyone both in real life and not for their kind words, gifts of love and prayers, and actual gifts these last few weeks.  It has made what has been the hardest two months of my life just a little easier.  So thank you.

So I am going to leave you with one of best Christmas songs ever (I have always felt this way when the song is done right).  Judy Garland sings this song the way it is meant to be-its not a happy song. Its a song of hope and promise of years to come because this year isn't really that great.  

So to you and your family-I hope your holidays were amazing and if they weren't-I hope next year all your troubles will be miles Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas

I have always been a daydreamer my whole life.  My dad and I used to joke that on the 45 minute ride to Newington my first year working when I would ride in with my dad that neither of us spoke because we were too busy daydreaming.  About a month ago I was thinking of a friend at work whose brother had died and I began to daydream about my worst nightmare (other than something happening to my husband or kids) was my dad dying.  I started to think about what it would be like to have to deal with that kind of loss...I quickly pushed it out of my head as morbid and something not ever worth thinking about.  Little did I know that my nightmare would become reality in less than a week.  

On the 20th I happened to hear my phone buzz on my desk while my student teacher was teaching to see a text from my mom saying my dad had collapsed and he was being taken to the hospital.  I quickly called her and realized that this was no fucking joke...that it didn't look good and my mom clearly was scared and used the word...unresponsive.  Thankfully my friend Gina drove me the hour to the hospital and I will forever be thankful that she was there for me in that moment.  Gina dropped me at the emergency exit and when I asked at the desk about my dad...I knew it wasn't good when they had my name on a list and quickly escorted me to the back....then my world crumbled when I saw that I was being taken to the hospital chapel.  All I remember was crying and yelling that I didn't want to go in the fucking chapel....I just said over and over again that I didn't want to go in there....I knew what that meant.

Apparently after spending the morning shooting with his best friend he slumped over in the car while talking on the way out of the club.  His friend quickly turned around and at the club a male nurse started CPR immediately.  Despite his efforts and the EMT's and the dr's there was nothing they could do.  My father was gone in an instant.  A am oddly comforted that he wasn't in pain, that he never knew it was coming, that he was gone in a flash.  The emergency doctor said based on how he presented it was most likely an aneurysm...they asked if I wanted an autopsy done.  For me...the why no longer mattered just that he was gone.  

The rest of the next days are still sort of a blur......I remember living them but I swear that I didn't breath for days.  There are still some days I don't.  I can honestly say I have lived a privileged life that I have never experienced a loss like this in my life.  The gravity of this loss I can't even being to put into words.  There are no words for it.

I know I spoke at my father's funeral and I sort of rehearsed what I said about my dad but I honestly don't remember what I said.  I just know I wanted everyone there to know just want I want everyone who reads this to know. 

I HAD THE BEST DAD ....I did.  I was one lucky girl.  I had a dad who loved me.  Endlessly every moment of my life.  The only thing my father loved more than me was my children which made me love him even more.  The loss of that kind of love is immeasurable.  

I am a devastated mess.  I cry ever day on my way to work...I cry when my kids say they miss my dad.  Or like tonight I weep as my daughter asks me why grandpa can't come back.  The only thing worse than my own loss is to the loss that my kids are suffering.  I can't even address how devastated my mom is.  I am usually one to pretend I am ok....but I promised myself I wouldn't bottle this up. Pretend I am ok-please.  I am not fucking ok.....I am so far from ok I don't even know where the land of ok is.  I get up every day because I have to go to work and have a family who needs to me.  All I want to do is sit around and have a pity party.  Some days I do have one.  For those people in my real life who read this...please know I need you-Even on the good days I am hanging on by a thread.  I know this is part of the grieving process....doesn't make it suck any less.

I think what is also overwhelming is I have several friends and coworkers, and shockingly several students and former students who all lost parents at a much younger age then me.  I don't know how they did it.  How they managed to continue to function.  To be "normal".  The thought of how hard it must have been for them...and maybe still is.  Yet, it is also good to know that there is another side of this.  One where this hurt-the hole in my life won't seem so big-so insurmountable.  

Yet...I know what I have to do.  That is one foot in front of the other.  That is exactly what my dad would have wanted.  My father always said his biggest fear was dying a slow death or becoming an old falling apart man in a nursing home.  I take solace in knowing that he lived the last years of his life doing what he loved.   I know he would argue with god about the time frame and missing out on seeing his grandkids grow up.  I know he wouldn't want us to be sad for him...this is what he wanted.  So I will try and remember that in those moments where the loss of him takes my breath away.

I have realized through this that I am a lucky girl.  I know the reason this hurts so bad is because I did have such an amazing dad.  I know some many people who didn't have the kind of dad I did.  They weren't loved the way I was....for that I will be grateful everyday of my life.  My dad loved me and I loved him....there is nothing left to say other than that.  

I loved him and he loved me....and that will never change

My dad and my kids on their picture day before he took them to school-4 days before he died


So although the kids have been having slight fevers on and off for the last few days I ventured out with Josie to find a dress for our upcoming photos this weekend.  I know my lady if she doesn't like her outfit there is no way no how she is going to wear it.  So we did a little grocery shopping then headed over to the local department store to use my 20% off coupon and get an outfit.  Now of course this retailer had their frozen merchandise out in full force so there was a good 20 minutes of "Mom Look at this" 'Oh mom look at this dress" "Mom there is Frozen stuff everywhere".  So I went with best possible-I had her pick out a frozen outfit then had her set her sites on a holiday dress.  She was very specific going in.  She wanted a red and green dress with either silver or gold in it.  Well shockingly we found out.  I loved another one better, but the little lady liked another one-that was green and red with gold in it.  So we like that one and a second stunning sweater dress with black designs that will be perfect for Thanksgiving and picture day at school which is also this week! Here is a picture of that dress

Well my little lady tries on her dress and begins talking about how wonderful the dress it.  That it is perfect to twirl in.  Fancy enough for the photos. Then she takes one look in the mirror and with a huge smile on her face she says "I look Gorgeous".  That was it with a little tear in my eye-"Yes you do baby and we will buy that dress and find your brother a shirt to match".

It made me so happy.  I hope that self confidence-that feeling of just being perfect in a pretty dress never goes away.  That is something I have always wanted for my little lady and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that never goes away.  I wont ever be the mother who we heard prior to heading into the dressing room tell her daughter "you have a little belly on you we will need a bigger size".  I almost took that mother out for her kid in the store.  I just don't want that feeling to ever go away.  

If it means I keep taking her to the store to buy fancy party dresses that she loves to wear-even when its not a fancy occasion-then so be it.  If my little girl feels wonderful then that is all that matters!!!!!!

Here is a picture of the Gorgeous Girl!  She does look cute doesn't she!

As regular readers may have noticed I have been posting but not a lot about my weight. There are a few reasons for that.  Mainly it is because there is nothing to report.  I am not loosing weight or gaining weight I am just hovering within the same ten pounds give for take for the last six months or so.  Sometimes it pisses me off, sometimes I don't care.  At the end of last school year and the start of this one I have been very blah about my weight loss.  Not that I am blah about knowing I need to loose weight just not mentally there.  I have been going to weight watchers with a dear friend because we both need the support, but I haven't gone in two months.  Sometimes because soccer, dance, and ccd on Saturday Am's makes it tough but sometimes because I am not into it.  For me, I just needed to get my head right.  I was really negative about everything-including my weight.  I needed some time to start feeling better.  I have been putting an effort into feeling confident in my clothes and my own skin and I have been coming a long way lately.  I also know my binge eating has come back with a vengeance and if I am not careful getting crazy with weight watchers makes that even worse.  Yet, no excuses I am not loosing weight because I am not working at it right now.

Now back to this place.  I have said a lot of times I missed this place.  I missed the comfort of posting here brings to me.  Both the reviews of products and books (I just got an awesome children's book in to review today).  I like that this place gives me something to be other than just Mama Hunt or Mrs. Hunt.   Yet I was staying away because I felt I should be posting about my weight loss journey and I didn't want to because there wasn't one.  I know bloggers step away from their blogs all them time...but it wasn't like I wanted to.  I was feeling the pressure to post about things that were not my focus then I realized something.  HELLOOOOOOO this is my blog. First of all I am not a brand or some famous person.  This is my who cares.

So there is the update.....I don't think I am going to talk about my weight loss here.  I may give updates occasionally but maybe not.  Just like being a mom isn't the only aspect of my life...neither is weight loss or weight gain.

Do any of you who blog feel like you get pigeonholed into talking about certain topics??

Ok so this post is totally going to be rambling one that is more for me to vent then anything else.  I won’t go into too many details because I don’t want to talk about the details too much.

So here is a little background.  I have a good friend (One who is much younger than me) who I found out is having their first child.  Since they are younger and not exactly ready to have a baby (lets be honest no one is really ready) I have really tried to be supportive and a cheerleader for my friend as they start this huge life event.  I know personally how hard motherhood was when I was 26, married, and financially settled.  I really decided I wanted to be a support for them since I know that good support in their life is often non-existent. 

Well I found out randomly though the grape vine that perhaps what I just assumed was an unplanned (yet always welcomed) baby might have been actually planned.  My first reaction was outrage followed by need to know.  This friend was not prepared job, housing, or even medically (no pre prenatal care or drs visits) to have a child.  Then my reaction was I wanted to know if this was true.  I wanted to know because I felt sort of foolish that I was so worried about this friend and their fiancĂ©.  If this was something that was planned and had I known that I might have done things differently-or felt differently.

Then my husband-the one who brings me clarity and sanity looks at me and says. “Its not your f-ing business, and it doesn’t change the end-X is having a baby and you will still be there”  Then it hit me, he was right (despite how much I hate to admit that). 

This was none of my business; I would never ask the friend that is my age that question.  I also know it wouldn’t change the fact that I know my friend needs me for this big moment in their life and that even when planned parenthood is a crazy ride that you need all hands on deck for.  Because I know that our friendship often has a mother/child feel to it there is that part of me that still wants to know.  I think so I could be mad…. or maybe even more sad and worried then I am for them. 

I don’t want anyone reading this thinking I am saying my friend won’t be a good parent…of course they will.  They are excited to be welcoming this child into the world and doing everything they need to.  I think it is just the experience of knowing what it takes to raise a child when you have a good job, and a place to live, and financial security-I can’t imagine doing with without all of those things. 

Yet, then again as my hubby reminded me that is not my business.  It goes back to a post a made a long time ago. By being upset, by wanting to know, in a way I am judging them.  I am judging their choice.  Lets be honest here…in today’s day and age both consciously choosing to have a child and not using protection to prevent having a child is really not that different.  This friend has been through a lot in their life and I can honestly say has lived more of a “life” at their younger age then I have at mine.  Maybe this needs to be a case where I just follow my original gut instinct, the one I had when I found out this friend was expecting and that was to support them no matter what

In the end the truth is sort of irrelevant because come holiday time there will be a beautiful new baby to love and spoil.  A wee one whose mom and dad will still need a helping hand as all-new parents do…. and an occasional baby sitter who will steal that cute baby for snuggles!  I can’t wait for the baby snuggles…. because in the end it won’t matter whom they got here…just that they are here. So yeah...I guess the truth really  isn't  that important
So ten years ago on July 10 I married my college sweetheart.  I was so young 24!  Looking back and giving advice to others I would say I was too young.  I wanted one thing for my wedding and that was to smile.  A few years prior I went to a wedding of a family friend and I remember thinking how happy the bride looked.  It was a miserable day, it poured, her dress got ruined, and she was so happy and had that big smile across her face.  I wanted that.  I didn't care about much else with my wedding I just wanted to be happy....and I was.  I thought that this was what marriage was going to big happy moment after the next.  Sometimes it is.....these ten years have been filled with many amazing moments.  We have had four dogs, two house, and two beautiful children-doesn't get much happier than that.  It has also been hard...the kind of hard that those vows are about-In sickness and in health. If you had told that 24 year old girl in the picture below that within five years she would have a sick husband and a baby to care for and a job with a boss who was a nightmare-she would have laughed because that wasn't in her plans.  Well real life hit and you know what....I am a better woman for it.  We have a better marriage because of our struggles.  It hasn't been easier that is for sure....I know many lesser a person who would have called it quits and cut their losses.  That girl ten years ago thought that she couldn't love that boy more than she did on her wedding day.  Well she was wrong...I loved that boy more on the days my children were born and the day we moved into our current house or the day he let me adopt another dog....but i also loved him more on boring days too.  The days where he loves my neurotic moments when I obsess about money, on the days he tell me I am beautiful and doesn't care that I am not the skinny girl in that picture below anymore.  The days when he tells me I am good mom when I feel like the worst one on the planet. Its those days that I realize that is what real marriage is...a friendship-a an agreement to love even the faults that you find out years later-a willingness to forgive those flaws and not run away.

I often joke that marriage and being a mom is different then the broucher (you know the one where everyone smiles and looks perfect in them).  If you told that girl ten years ago that her life would not be the brocher that it wouldn't even come close she wouldn't have believed you....and that is ok because the girl I am now knows the real deal and she is more than fine with the life that wasn't in the broacher...sometimes the things not featured on the menu are the best! 

So I will leave with saying to my hubby (who by the way doesn't read this blog) Happy Ten years!

10 Year Anniversary selfie

Us at a wedding a few days after our ten year-Look at us matching!

I don't want to call this a hiatus or a vacation...that makes it sound like I am going to be sitting around on my ass not doing anything.  I am going on a sabbatical-where there will be lots of work happening.  As I mentioned in my last post-things with my son are rough.  Although his sleeping has gotten better we are noticing other issues.  We finally called the doctor and have an appointment with our child psychologist.  Although I know this is a much needed step in the right direction it is still a very hard thing to walk through that door again.  So as much as I love my little blog, this little corner of world that is just mine-I have a lot of work that I need to focus on.

This school year has kicked my ass
The no sleep has kicked my ass
My family life has kicked my ass
My weight loss journey has been kicking my ass

So I am tired of feeling tired and beat up.  From today probably until summer I am getting down to business on kicking back.  I am going to focused on my family, my work, and getting my mental and physical well being where it needs to be.  Sadly that means I need to cut out all the non-essentials.  For me that is my blog, twitter, and most of facebook.  As much as I love these things they are not where my time needs to be.  I do have fun things to share (like a new venture in weigh loss that is going well and some amazing product reviews I haven't gotten to yet

    Please check out this great bible book for girls its amazing
    Also pick up these veggie fries-Amazing and GMO free

I promise when I get back they will get the full review they deserve

I may be back sooner, but right now I need to focus on my and my family and have to cut out all the extra.  I shall miss my little space but right now there are things that need my attention more.  I will you all when my sabbatical is over!
So I know that I have eluded to something going on at home and it isn't that I am embarrassed to share what it is, it is more that it is too hard for me often to talk about.  My son Master D has been suffering from some major anxiety.  It is something he has struggled with since he was about three and I know that I have mentioned this in the past on here but I have never really talked a lot about it.  Mainly because its not a big deal.  He has moments where his anxiety gets the better of him but we are well equipped now, thanks to a good therapist a few years ago, to handle his anxiety flair ups and we move on.  Well recently it has turned into a big deal.  My little guy has been struggling to sleep.  Not that annoying classic 6 year old I don't want to go to bed.  This is more than that.  For several weeks his sleeping has gone from a once a night pee break, to being awake hours on end.  I am not joking hours.  On the bad nights we are often up from 11:30-2 or 3 am.  

For a few weeks he was up constantly (like 15-20 times) saying he was scared or that he thought we loved his sister more than him.  Now at some level these are the things that he is thinking about but it is a classic anxiety moment.  I am anxious so I fixate on things.  It breaks my heart to see.  Our responses range from comfort, to threats, punishments, rewards, and there is always lots of tears.  His openly mine on my pillow as I stare at the clock wondering how can I teach 100 plus students on less than three hours of sleep.  The sleep issues ebb and flow. Some nights he is ok then others its is hours on end that he is up.  In fact last week we thought we had turned the corner on the issues and they started again.  His pediatrician agrees with our thought that these flare ups that involve sleep issues are related to growth spurts.  We noticed that when he has them he is eating more and often notice he is taller all of a sudden.  Yet, there is nothing definitive.  

I worry about him endlessly.  I can barely function how can he go to school and handle himself.  We have talked to his teacher and thankfully she has seen nothing behaviorally with him so that is a plus.  Yet, the lack of sleep and high levels of anxiety also make him super needy during the day.  Often we are so exhausted it is hard to meet his needs during the day.  Our parents have been helping out and we have been taking turn taking naps and sleeping in on the weekends.  I was so tired two weeks ago I had to take a day off just to sleep because I could feel I was at that point of breaking.  We will probably return to the child therapist should this continue for much long for a few more pointers on how to help our little guy.

It is just I am so exhausted it makes it hard to function.  It makes it hard to focus on my job and do all that I need to be doing in a really rough year for teachers in my district.  It makes it hard to eat right and exercise when I am so physically tired I hurt.  It is hard to think about healthy food and plan and workout when all I want is to lay my head down and rest.   It makes it hard to do those things even that I enjoy like blogging, twitter, or even knitting.  There are nights after the kids go to bed that I just sit on the couch…not because I want to but getting up is overwhelming (don't get all worried that I am depressed-nope just fucking tired).  The worst part is the sheer exhaustion is making it hard for me to do the things I know my son needs.    Which is endless patience, extra hugs and love, and more attention to get him through this rough patch.  Also, don't even get my started on how this leaves Miss J out in the cold in terms of getting her needs met attention wise

Yet there is another part of this that is crippling…and that is the guilt.  You all know I have been open about my eating issue….why do I have eating issues?… cope with my anxiety.  It kills me because as psychology teacher I know that a lot of anxiety issues are genetic so I feel guilty that this is all me.  I feel guilty in those moments where Dy is experiencing an anxiety moment/attack and the best thing as a mother I can do it let him work through it.  I know what it feels like in those anxious moments and how you feel like you are going to come out of your skin. All I want to do is scoop him up and make it better and I can't.  If anything my own therapy has taught me is that the best thing you can do when you have anxiety is to figure out how to cope.  As a child I had sleep issues and I joke that this is payback for what I did to my parents.  For me I wish that was just it….this is like a form of torture.  Why?  Because I remember what it was like to sit in my bed and have those same fears that he has, to feel the same way he does, and it kills me.  I know that the best thing for him is to help him learn to work through this in a healthy manner so that he can learn some coping skills, but it is hard.  It is breaking me…I am worn so thin.  Between the lack of sleep, the stress and guilt of the worry, and the regular demands of being a working mom has me in survival mode.

Those of you who know me in real life.  This is why I am not as social and why I am often hiding in my classroom or not really talking too much.   It is why I am not loosing any weight or talking about running much-I can't even think about those things yet.  Those friends and supporters online this is why as of late I have "gone dark" on the Internet.  I am hanging on desperately.  I know that this will get better, it did the last time he was struggling like this.  Just last time the other parts of my life were not as much of a mess.  

Please don't worry though-this was more of a need to get it out kind of thing rather than a I need saving sort of thing.  Although I wouldn't turn my nose up a virtual hugs or real life cups of coffee (or a pillow and a blanket for during my prep period on my classroom).  I hope all of my readers are fairing a wee bit better than myself.