Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
So every year I set lofty goals for myself but never really do much with that...but shit I am an optimist so why hell not!  Just kidding.....well not really I really feel that need to set some good goals for myself and actually work on achieving them.  Part of my reason for this is in the last few months although my anxiety is high I have sort of felt the fog of grief starting to lift.  My therapist who I worked with right after my dad died said her patients often comment that with grief they feel like they are walking around half asleep for months or even years as they figure out this new life without the person they love.  For me it was sort of this double whammy of loosing my dad, my kids loosing their hero, and having to grow up all at once. It was and still is a lot.  But lately I have been noticing that I am not as shell shocked.  I can talk about my dad and not have it crush me, the holidays were not as devestatingly sad.  I am also realizing that I have put a few things on the back burner for these last two years.  A lot of that is myself care and taking good care of me, of taking time with my husband and realizing that he is more than that guy who lives in the house, and taking time to cultivate relationships other than my family.  I think it was hard for me and my heart to even interact with people-sometimes it still is.  As if pleasure and joy sometimes were too much.  Happiness was too much.  Frankly I wanted to be sad and pissed off and angry and miserable.  Sometimes I still do.  Yet, I realized I need to work on not letting myself and my life get sucked in to that not good place.  There is too much beauty and joy to just be existing to just be getting by.  That is what I have really felt for the last two years....that I was surviving.  I say it like its a horrible thing....its not.  I survived, my kids survived, for the most part my relationships survived.  I know I have been harder to be around, harder to love, harder to like.  I am harsher and more critical.  My best qualities of being funny, and kind, and joyful have been muted and often still are.  Shout out to my friends and especially Ryan for patiently hanging on during this wild ride I have been on.  I often realized at the end of the day I was too tired from "surviving" to give my friends or my husband much of anything (I also know this is a problem of all mothers).  I know that in friendship and certainly in marriage there are ebbs and flows-that doesn't make them easy.  I know for Ryan it has been hard to see me like this and not really "fix" what was wrong all while trying to maintain his own mental health.  He, like most people who struggle with mental illness,  have a hard time being around others who are mentally unwell.  He has stood by as I sorted out how to move forward in this new dadless world I was thrown into.

So anywho...enough musings on where I have been.  I want to think about the future.  I know some people are concerned with what will happen with our government in the upcoming year. For me I choose to bring light into the world first with my own family and then in my classroom.  I will worry about the US and the World when I need to.  

So my goals for 2017

1.  I need to get my eating and weight in check.  I plan to head to my dr to talk about on going stomach issues and request to see a dietician for that and help with my eating.  My goal is 52 pounds by Dec 31 of next year.  More than that I just to be eating better so I am not sick all the time

2.  I want to commit to a bit of self care everyday.   That means exercising, or meditation, or journaling at least 20min every day.  I need it for my mental health and I need it to continue to be a good mom and wife

3.  I want to do one family adventure with kids every month that doesn't not involve screens.  So although I have loved our movie binge of the last few weeks I want non-screen fun with the family

4.  I want to walk or jog a total of 217 miles this year

5.  I want to make at least 5 quilts this year-at least one for me to keep

6.  I want to do one thing for me each month.  Go out with a friend, go out alone, something that is just for me.  

7.  I want to do something special with Ryan once a month....either a date night or something fun once the kids go to this isn't secret code for anything.  I just feel like our relationship has taken a back burner to everything and some day its just going to be the two of us and I would still like to make sure we like each other when that happens.  

I am hoping to get back into blogging a bit more and keep track of these goals....I think as the goals slip from my mind then they get forgotten.  So I am hoping for a good 2017-How about you?  What are you goals for the year? 

I don't think I actually have any real resolutions this year.  You know smart goals of I will do X thing in this time.  I decided that after a year of being in mourning and trying to find my bearings...more survive then anything else.  That this year would be the year I take care of me.  I don't mean this in a selfish all about me all the time....I mean doing the things that I need to for me to be the best version of myself I can be.  

For that to happen I am really going to focus on getting healthy.  For me that is obviously the commitment to weight watchers (I lost the weight I put on over the holidays this week and was very happy with that).  It means exercising regularly because it helps center me and makes me feel better.  It means getting enough sleep and taking naps on the weekend if needed.  It means doing things that I enjoy and time for myself.  

I bought myself a lovely workbook to worth through my goals and desires to work on.  I have a journal for all my food stuff.  I am trying to blog more.  I am trying to do things that bring me happiness.  Sometimes that is stuff with my kids.  Sometimes that is stuff with friends or with Ryan without the kids.  Sometimes that is being alone.   As much as I love and need to be around people as an only child you often forget how used you are to being quiet and having time by yourself.  Since I have had kids that time has been non existent that is why I take the worlds longest showers-to enjoy the quiet.

I feel that sometimes towards the end of summer and I felt it again over Christmas break that I really have lost part of me.  I think its more than a working mom feeling overwhelmed lost part of me.  I think it loosing part of my identity when I lost my dad.  Almost if I lost a huge part of my life that anchored me-centered me.  I hate to sound cliche as shit but I feel this need to reinvent who I am.  Or maybe less then that.  Figure out this new me-this mom of two growing kids, a teacher in an ever demanding and sometimes heartbreaking job that is so different then it was 10 years ago, a wife in her 30's not a idealistic newlywed of 24, and a daddy's girl without her daddy.  

So I decided that this year is going to be about me.  Taking time for me....allowing myself to discover or rediscover the things that bring me happiness and joy.  So I hope that all of you my readers and the people in my real life who read this have a joyful new year.  That you find yourself spending this year in more happiness then darkness.....oh and that maybe you win that powerball that is now up to a Billion dollars (and if you win remember me people)


Its been a long time since I posted....things got well holiday crazed around here that is for sure.  I was having some medical issues that hopefully I will get around to posting about then just getting ready for the holidays with two small children is always crazy.  Plus if I am being honest I was having a real hard time without having my dad around.  

Now up until the week before Christmas I was doing ok with everything.  Work was good, kids were good. weight watchers was good.  Then all the balls up in the air started to fall and well.....hit me on my head! 

A long time ago someone said to me as hard as the first holiday without your loved one is hard-the second one is worse.  I definitely don't think it was worse just more permeant in a way.  Just the reality of him being gone as really begun to set in.  It is almost as if I head my breath for the whole first year dealing with all of those firsts but now it is the reality of the loss is starting to set in.  Its not harder it is just different.  Sometimes the gravity of the loss is really hard.  Lately Josie has been talking about my dad and how she misses and her memories of him.  Thankfully her mentioning him doesn't bring me instantly to tears....but it does hurt at the thought of how much he is missing each and every day.

The holidays round these parts were good.  We had a nice time celebrating with family and friends and the kids were spoiled rotten.  Mainly what I am looking forward to is some quiet time with the family at home.  

I didn't even take that many pictures this year....not because I didn't want to but because I was busy enjoying.  If one thing the loss of my dad has taught is far to short to spend my time doing things that don't bring me joy.  

I hope you and your family enjoyed your holidays!  


I think I have been quiet around here-I have truly been in survival mode.  This past month was the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  I was doing really well after spending a lot of time working on myself and spending a lot of time in therapy this past summer.  Then the crazy stress of month two of school coupled with the anniversary really had a rough affect on me.  

Although I took care of myself mentally this summer I realized sometime in the last few weeks that I haven't been taking care of myself health wise.  I haven't been eating well and haven't really been exercising since hurting my ankle early in the summer.  So I have had enough with the extra 20 pounds I gained in the last year and a half.  I decided to go back to weight watchers and commit to really trying.  Not just half assing it.  As of today I have tracked every day even the last two days which were not that great but I tracked them anyways..including the tasty yet not good for you cookie dough that I ate right out of the container earlier tonight.  

I also signed up three weeks ago to go back to yoga.  I went once and realized how much I love it.  I wasn't able to go the last two weeks once because I was sick and once because Ryan was.  The exercise is harder to get in but at least I am getting 10,000 steps a day in which is also a goal.  

I also have been taking more opportunities to take care of myself.  I am not allowing myself to get so stressed about money.  I try and only go in do the bills every few weeks so I don't get so stressed.  I have been treating myself to a few things every now and again.  I even just signed up for Gweenie Bee as a treat to myself.  I need to feel good at this size-smaller or bigger.  That is essential to my mental health. 

So I also committed to try and blog a bit more about my journey....I sometimes shy away from this place but realize once I come back that I feel so much better after I ramble a bit on here about my thoughts and feelings.  

How is everyone else doing out there?? Update me!

Yesterday would have been my dad's 65 birthday.  It makes me sad to think that he never made it to what many consider "official senior citizen" status.  On the other hand I know my father feared being and old man.  That is not to say that he wanted to go this soon, but I know he never wanted to be old and in a home.  

So my original plan was to get up early and go to the cemetary and visit his grave and bring him an angle statue that I bought.  My father loved filling his yard with all sorts of angle statues.  A few months ago I bought two matching Angle statues one for my garden and one for his grave.  I felt that way there would be a connection between my garden and him (my father grew some of the most amazing flowers).  Then I started to think about it.  What did my father like to do on his birthday. He loved to do the things that made him happy.  He often would say "Its my birthday I am going to do what I want".  If we were up at the lake-which we often were.  He would go out early and go fishing, we would go to breakfast, and then maybe have dinner out.  He was a big fan of buying himself his own present....or presents!  Many of which my mother didn't know about.  So I started to think hanging around the cemetary being sad wasn't really the best option.

So yesterday I got up early and ran to Dunkin to get us all doughnuts.  My dad would get the kids doughnuts once a week when he brought htem to school (ok it was more than that until I told him he could only do it once a week).  In the summer he would often call us early and say he was metal detecting and could he stop by-doughnuts for the kids in tow (and sometimes a coffee for me)

Then since my father's favorite meal was breakfast we had breakfast for dinner to celebrate.  I also took some time during the day to spend some time doing something I rarely do during the day ever-which is read a book.  I finished the book I was reading and lounged around for a good part of the day.  

I felt that a day like that was a better tribute to my father than sadness and tears a grave.  I think going to the cemetary has its place.....but for some reason I am just feeling that is not where he is.  I can't quiet put into words what I mean...but it just didn't feel right going there.  

It was a nice day...although there were moments where I was sad....that is every day.  

So to my dad-Happy 65th.  I miss you today and everyday.  

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So apparently I am a go big or go home kind of girl...yet I don't really think out if I would really be ok with going home.  So I had said previously that my goal was to run a 10k by the end of the summer.  Well I didn't realize that most 10K running programs suggest 12 weeks to bump from running 2.5 miles to the 6 needed.  Well hello I am not even doing a mile fully running right now and the race is 7 weeks away.  I am not giving up or quitting but I think I may change my race to the 5k with a goal of running it fully and with a decent time.  My new more realistic goal will be to run a 10k by the end of the school year.  I am a big girl and want to run long term so if I go to much to quick I am nervous I am going to injure myself.  As it is there are some runs that I need to have more than one day recovery for my calfs and ankles.  

It also makes me a little sad because my overall goal that I never really talked about was the run in the Hartford Marathon this October as a tribute to my dad.  I really wanted to cross that finish line.  I think it is more realistic to have the goal of a 10k by next spring then train for the half marathon over the summer.  Most half marathon training programs are 12-14 weeks.  

I often find I put so much pressure on myself to achieve (whatever that goal is) that I often get discouraged and quit.  Well not this time.  I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at my goals and saying....guess what its still a goal but just a different time frame. Sort of like my weight loss.  It doesn't have to happen over just needs to happen!

So I will keep you all updated on my 5k training.  My last run I did 20 minutes without stopping and that was good but my time is still super slow.  Hoping that if I faithfully do the couch to 5k program I will get that time better than the last time I rushed the program!  Who else out there is training for something fun?

As I talk a lot of my loss and my children's loss I often don't talk about those other's who lost someone when my dad died.  My uncle's lost a brother, My grandmother lost another son, my godfather lost his childhood friend and cousin, my "aunt's and Uncle's" lost a friend, and my husband lost his other dad.

My husband lost his partner in crime when on vacation with my parents.  He lost the man to hang out with and talk about nothing with, he lost the loving go to caretaker of his children, he lost the man who would always spoil his Son in law at Christmas and Birthday's with fun Christmas gifts not practical gifts and clothes.  He lost a lot....we all did.

In the past few months I have leaned heavily on my husband-something that I haven't been that good at.  Ever since his struggle with depression began I have really run the show (in the beginning by necessity and once healthy by choice)...especially these last two and half years that he was going back to school.  My father died right at the height of my husband's final set of classes for his masters.  He was always there.  Sometimes in the background silently he would be the support we all need, sometimes he was only parent because all I was was a body sitting there.  I wasn't there, I was checked out.  He was there the day my dad died as I screamed and sobbed and just held me up when I couldn't stand.  He walked my mother and I through picking a casket and planning a funeral.  He helped the kids deal with their grief knowing all to well what it is like to loose a loving grandparent too soon.  He did this all while dealing with his own loss and his constant struggle with depression

A lot of people who haven't walked the walk with a loved one having mental illness don't know what a delicate balance life is when someone is working every day for their mental health.  People think...oh they are fine now so everything is fine everyday.  People don't get that my husband works everyday on his health and sometimes that is easier than others.  Yet, during these last nine months he has figured out how to manage his depression while living in a home filled with grief and sadness.  Anyone who struggles with Depression knows that it is very hard to be around negativity and sadness and not have it affect you.  

I think people looking from the outside of my life, even my closest of friends don't see or know what it has been like in our house.  I put on a good face...all the time.  It looks like it always running the show Ryan doing his thing.  Even friends might hear a complaint about "ugh my hubby did this" but that is force of habit and what wives do.  

I don't go around saying...."hey guess what my husband did....He helped my daughter who was hysterical and crying for her grandpa while I closed my self in the bathroom and cried because I couldn't handle it."  Those stories of of him being the rock around here don't get told because to tell them means I show how messed up things were and sometimes still are.

It is hard for a girl like me who typically makes all the decisions in this house for me and for the kids to be so overwhelmed that I can't make decisions.   Ryan has stepped up, quietly without my asking, to take the lead when I couldn't.  This wasn't a comfortable place for him or for me but we have figured out this new step in our relationship.  

As I am coming up on my 11th anniversary with Ryan I thought it was time to say out loud (or at least online) how much his love and support have meant.  Thankfully he has been here for all the good years and is walking with me as I find my way out of this shit hole called grief.   I am thankful that despite being the other one who lost my dad he  have been able to stand next to me holding me up when I couldn't.  

Love you Schmoopy-Happy Anniversary I will forever be grateful for your love and support!

So now that it is finally summer I finally feel like I can finally take a breath and look around.  I sort of have put my head down and just did the every day stuff.  Got up, went to work, took care of my family, went to bed.  I honestly did not spend much if anytime taking care of myself or allowing my self to grieve.  Of course I have cried-but I would often take a deep breath-push that down, and keep pushing forward.  I even began a little side job to keep myself busy (as if i wasn't busy enough already).  I did it because if I was busy I wasn't alone with my thoughts or sadness.  Lets be honest I knew this wasn't healthy but it was survival.  Now that summer has hit I have time...and as much as I really would love to continue to push this sadness away and not acknowledge what is my new reality I can't do that anymore.  Its not healthy for me or for my family.  I have gained about 15 pounds in the last few months because I am not taking care of myself.  I was just pushing pushing pushing.  

Well not anymore.  I need to deal.  I need to start clawing my way back.  I was in a good place in the fall before this happened.  So those are my goals.  Here they are
1.  To deal with my shit
2.  To run a 10k

So odd these two things may seem but they are sort of one in the same.  My goal is to spend time this vacation dealing with all that comes with grief.  This is not to say that I am dellusional and think that this will all instantly be better. I just need to take time to grieve and be sad and work through some of this shit.  I also need to take care of myself.  I think now that I have nothing but time I can start to focus on that a bit more. Which is why I picked goal number two.  Running is hard for sucks but in a way it helps me sort out my thoughts.  I said once that I am often to busy trying not to die while running that I can't think about all the other crap in my head.  So I picked a goal (and this will be a hard one) and registered for a 10K the day before we go back to work.  I am scared that I might not make my goal but I go out almost every other day and get one step closer to that goal.  Its hard and sucks but you know what sucks...loosing my dad.  So running isn't really that hard in comparison.  

So I hope to keep you updated on these goals. Do you have any summer goals or hopes?  

Today is my first father's day in the 2.0 version.  Most new versions of operating systems of technology are newer better editions.  Well my 2.0 isn't better....its sort of this odd new shitty version.  
What can I say....I miss my dad.  I loved my dad and he loved me and my kids with a fierceness I can't even begin to comprehend.  Its very hard not to get sucked into the darkness of not having my dad here.  Yet, I won't indulge myself in a more than a minute or two of sadness.  That is my present to my dad.  He would never want me to be sad or devastated.  He would insist he wasn't worth those tears.  I also promised myself and my kids and my dad on the day he died that I wouldn't let this ruin me.  That I would use his death to help inspire me to get healthy.  I have been in survival mode and haven't been attending to myself.  So my gift to him won't be will be the motivation I need to get myself moving back to a healthy heart and mind.

So to my dad....You were the greatest dad a girl could ask for-Happy Father's Day.  I love you, I miss you, and I will every day of my life.  

I am blown away that today will mark six months since my dad died.  Six months since I was sitting in my desk watching my student teacher teach and then getting a text from my mom.  I remember every single second of that next three hours.  Every moment of that hour drive to the hospital, the moment I realized I was walking into a chapel and not a hospital room, and seeing my dad at the hospital.  Every single second-I remember.  I wish I didn't.  

So it blows my mind how it has been six months worth of seconds since that day.  It amazes me how in one breath six months feels like six seconds and on the inhale and six years by the exhale.  Some days it feels so fresh and new that I can't even bear it. Then other days it feels like years since this happened.  

Six months.....the longest I have ever gone without seeing my dad was the first six weeks of college when I made him promise he wouldn't come get me no matter how homesick I was.  The longest I have ever gone without talking to him-maybe a week.  Since I had the kids the longest I have gone without seeing him was the week I was in Florida last year at this time.  Now six months has gone by.  Half a year.  

Part of me wonders if it should hurt less by now.  That is shouldn't take my breath away when I realize he is gone or when I take a cute picture and go to send it to him and it hits me.  Then the other part of me doesn't want it to stop hurting like this.  For it to stop hurting means I am getting used to it.  I don't want to get used to it.  I want to scream and swear and cry just like I did when I rounded that corner and saw I was going into a chapel not a hospital room.  

Yet, I know He would be crushed to know how much life is just hard for us right now-all of us in our own way.  Then again he never would have left us had he the choice.  So just like he didn't have a choice to stay-I don't have a choice to keep going.  

My husband gave me his words of wisdom yesterday when I lost it and was crying.  I said it sucked.  He said no it doesn't suck it just is.  In a way to say that it sucks means to suggest that you can change it, or fix it.  This isn't something that can be changed it just is.  

Maybe I need to realize that this won't be about marking time since he left-maybe it will just be as a coworker said to me-The before and after.  Maybe that is easier to think about.   

So its obvious no secret that I struggle with my weight and my eating issues.   I promised myself the day by dad died that I wouldn't let his death ruin me.  That I would use it for a greater purpose.  Now that I am finally starting to get a little out of this cloud or lets be honest tarp that has been around me I am realizing that I need to pony up to the promise.  So with my tail tucked between my legs I went back to weight watchers.  Let me be clear-weight watchers works if you do it.  Just paying for it doesn't work. If that was the case I would be one skinny bitch by now!!

So I figured I am here airing all my dirty ass laundry why not this too.  So here it is week one
+2.2 pounds

In the whole scheme of weight loss and gain-2.2 pounds since my dad died isn't horrendous.  Its not where I wanted to be almost 10 months after rejoining last April.   But again note the comment you have to do it, not just pay for it

So I have been tracking my food (which on the weekend it was ugly but I did it) and I went to Yoga (thank you Julie for convincing me I needed to go) and I went for a run today.  I am setting small goals for myself because small is all I can handle right now.  

I have also been busy on some other projects that I hope to share on here soon!  Here is to a fresh start and some new goals!

I recently read two really great articles on grief and loss.  One was from the New York Times and the other from facebook that a dear work friend (I believe I have mentioned her before-Miss Sassy Pants I think is her code name).  They talked about how there is both the expectation of grief and how others see/help.  Then there is reality.  Reality around here sucks folks.

I wish my blog didn't have to turn into this emo place about me talking about how life sucks right now, but you know what-that is f-ing life for me right now.  I have had sympathy for people who have lost a loved one before.  I have felt really bad, and in some cases heartbroken.  Good friends, students, co-workers have all lost very close loved ones.  I felt for them, I tried to help in any way I could.  It wasn't until I have experienced my own "real" loss that I have realized my sympathy wasn't really "getting" it.  I thought I could empathize with them.....I was wrong.  Now looking back at those people in my life who have lost loved ones-Miss Sassy Pants, My Sister Wife (who works with my husband), other co-workers, and students-I don't know how they did it.  They made it look easy-like they were ok.  Now what I am realizing is they weren't ok-they were doing what I am.  Faking it.

I spent a lot of time in therapy working on embracing my feelings and not trying to cover up my feelings.  Well right now that is sort of what I have to do in order to function.  I have to have some sort of wall up-a protection from the full brunt of this loss.  Almost like a band aid or padding on a huge wound. Even with it on there, there are movements where I move the wrong way the pain strikes-fierce and sharp.  There is no way I can take the bandage off right now-its not healed enough.   The pain would be too much to handle-little bits here and there I can take-but its not ready for no padding yet.  When-I don't know, but someday.

Sometimes those movements come when having a flash back of my ride to the hospital or what happened there, sometimes its seeing a picture of my dad, or its seeing the last text message he sent me on my phone that I can't bring myself to delete (it was a wonderful picture of Dylan from his last soccer game), or often its when my children say how much miss they their grandfather.  

I sometimes feel just like my daughter Miss J.  Today, like many days when my mom comes to bring the kids to school.  Miss J wakes up when the dogs bark to of course notify us that my mom is here.  She frantically calls for me-looks at me and ask me ever so hopefully who is here to bring her to school.  When I answer Noni and Aunty Betty or Grandma and Papa she looks instantly heartbroken when she realizes that Grandpa isn't here (for those who don't know my dad has brought the kids to school or taken care of Josie almost every day of her whole life).  It breaks my heart to tell her my dad isn't here-its like I am ripping off her band aid and its ugly. Reality for us right now is just that a letdown-its ugly and not pretty. 

In a way I feel bad for all those people who I thought were ok after experiencing their losses-because they seemed fine.  Well in theory I am fine too.  I get up, I go to work, I talk to friends, coworkers, family, I am a mom to my kids, I lead a somewhat productive life.  I am able to do this because I keep my wound very tightly guarded.  Unfortunately it makes me feel distant-from my husband, friends, coworkers-especially those who do not "get" this loss.  

It makes interacting sometimes hard-as I can only fake it so much.  It make quiet time hard for me.  I have to read in bed until the moment I am ready to fall asleep-otherwise I won't sleep.  Christmas vacation was tough because I wasn't busy enough to make myself tired enough and I had time to be quiet and reflect.  Letting down the wall a little was good-but hard.

I am sure it is hard for those who love me to know how/what to do with me.  I seem somewhat ok-but they know I am not.  I guess to those in my real life I would say hang in there.  I still need you in my life.  Maybe I just need you in a different way.  Maybe I need you to cut me some slack.  I need you to be patient in that it is hard for me to make decisions because I have a hard time thinking.  I often feel child like in my inability to act or do things that I could easily do.  I need you understand that right now I need happy things, light things-I can't really do drama or negativity.  Hell I can't read or watch things-its like hitting the wound.  To actually deal with hurt or negativity  in my real life is unmanageable at best.

The reality of this whole thing is overwhelming and hard to manage.  I hate to say but I think a lot of this blog is going to be me rambling my way through my grief.  I get if people don't want to read it.  I wouldn't want to....then again I never got it until now.  Reality is shitty folks.  But this is mine and I am managing my way through it the best I can.  

So for those parents of school age children there is always the wonder of when the magic of Christmas is going to fade as their children get older.  I honestly haven't given the whole Santa thing much thought.  Here in the Hunt household we have been going through the motions these days.  We also have made a point of not making too big of a deal about Santa and gifts as we discovered our oldest gets really anxious about upsetting Santa and he is a good boy and I don't want him freaked out about Santa.  

Anywho, a friend posted on Facebook about how her son was defending that Santa was real to his friends at school (who also happen to be at the same school as my kiddos).  I instantly got upset.  What if someone at school was telling my son that Santa wasn't real.  It sort of broke me to think that my son would have one more part of his innocence stolen this year.  So I didn't bring it up to him and we talked about the excitement of the season.  

Master D had asked for a special gift from Santa that Papa Hunt and I couldn't find anywhere.  I mean we had his aunts and uncles in three states looking at five different retail stores to find this thing.  We had even told him that he wasn't getting it for the holiday.  He told us well maybe Santa could get it for him.  We were sweating it-we had the back up gift ready.  Well just to our luck we found this sought after gift back in stock three days before the holiday and had it express delivered to the house. 

Well on Christmas Morning when he came out to see the gifts carefully placed where Santa always leaves his gifts and books he says out loud "Santa is Real-I knew it"  It made me so happy to know that this moment for him was pure joy-Pure childhood innocence.  This was the magic of christmas at its core.  

When I asked him later about saying this he said friends at school said that Santa wasn't real that it was just parents giving gifts. Master Dy then said-you couldn't get that present and only Santa could have gotten it here.  I knew he was real.  

For me this was just what I needed.  I needed to know that despite our sadness that Christmas was still about the joy and wonder of the season.  That no matter how sad we were the magic of the season shinned through in this moments and many others these past few weeks.  

I hope for all of you the holiday was filled with these little moments of holiday magic as well.   

I know it has been a long time since I have posted.  I guess after posting about my dad it seemed odd to post some book review or talk about inane little things.  In a way little things is all I can talk about.  We are getting by here in the hunt house hold but it hasn't been easy that is for sure.  My own grief seems overwhelming but add to that having to deal with my children's grief and loss.  Its a lot.  At the end of the day I feel like I have run a marathon.  Today-the day after Christmas I feel like I got hit but a truck.  I never realized how just getting through a day would take so much effort. Now please readers don't take this in a I am depressed sort of thing-it is just there is so much emotion and memory tied to the holiday season and add to that the loss of my dad and its overwhelming emotionally.  I am planing on using my vacation this year for some quiet time with my kids and husband and just sort of take some me time.  To get some rest-both actual and emotional.  Teaching is like putting on a show everyday-trying to do it when I am not 100 percent is exhausting.  

I wanted to thank everyone both in real life and not for their kind words, gifts of love and prayers, and actual gifts these last few weeks.  It has made what has been the hardest two months of my life just a little easier.  So thank you.

So I am going to leave you with one of best Christmas songs ever (I have always felt this way when the song is done right).  Judy Garland sings this song the way it is meant to be-its not a happy song. Its a song of hope and promise of years to come because this year isn't really that great.  

So to you and your family-I hope your holidays were amazing and if they weren't-I hope next year all your troubles will be miles Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas