Showing posts with label Me Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Me Stuff. Show all posts
So I will be a bit vague here but for the last day or so I am in cycle of reoccuring feelings and they aren't good or healthy.  I have a deep desire in my heart and being for certain relationships in my life to be different then they are.  This is something that I have struggled with for years.  As an only child and someone who really thrives and gets a lot out of her personal relationships I am very dependent on others-and its not a good thing to tell you the truth.  I have a few relationships in my life-some friendships some familial that I wish were different then they are.  Growing up I had a picture in my head of what my adult friendships and family life would look like and things are very different then that now.  Most times I just realize that I had unrealisitc expectations for those relationships even before they began---almost in the same way I had these idealized versions of marriage and motherhood.  Most times I just tell myself to deal and move on. Other times that longing for something that will never be rests in my heart.  

For me I felt that creeping in lately.  Maybe it was the passing of my grandmother last week (I may post about that later if and when I am ready) and seeing how my dad's brothers struggle to get along that I started to realize that adult relationships are hard.  Familial relationships are hard.  For me as an only child I have always wanted these deep connections to others because I felt that I missed them being an only child and also not having a ton of family because my mom was also an only child.  I think that for me that set me up for failure.  This wanting deep connected relationships with family in particular that I don't really have.  This is in no way suggesting that I am having issues in my family or with my friends--its just I sometimes wish I was closer with some of my family and friends but I don't think those relationships are really meant to be.   I feel that sometimes I try and force a connection that isn't there or get upset when I feel people don't return my "love".  I take things very personally I always have.  What I think I need to focus on is what I do have rather than what I don't have.  I think for me the loss of my dad and then my gram this week has made me realize that I don't really have a lot of these deep connections with family or friends.  Don't get me wrong I do have some great family and some amazing close friends who are like family-but I think I am noticing or wishing there were more.  Perhaps the focus should be on continuing to deepen connections I want and to focus my attention on the good relationships I do have.  I have to realize that some things are out of my control and what I can control is my emotional response to things.  Ok-Ramble done-I just needed to process a bit of this.  

Ok so this post is totally going to be rambling one that is more for me to vent then anything else.  I won’t go into too many details because I don’t want to talk about the details too much.

So here is a little background.  I have a good friend (One who is much younger than me) who I found out is having their first child.  Since they are younger and not exactly ready to have a baby (lets be honest no one is really ready) I have really tried to be supportive and a cheerleader for my friend as they start this huge life event.  I know personally how hard motherhood was when I was 26, married, and financially settled.  I really decided I wanted to be a support for them since I know that good support in their life is often non-existent. 

Well I found out randomly though the grape vine that perhaps what I just assumed was an unplanned (yet always welcomed) baby might have been actually planned.  My first reaction was outrage followed by need to know.  This friend was not prepared job, housing, or even medically (no pre prenatal care or drs visits) to have a child.  Then my reaction was I wanted to know if this was true.  I wanted to know because I felt sort of foolish that I was so worried about this friend and their fiancĂ©.  If this was something that was planned and had I known that I might have done things differently-or felt differently.

Then my husband-the one who brings me clarity and sanity looks at me and says. “Its not your f-ing business, and it doesn’t change the end-X is having a baby and you will still be there”  Then it hit me, he was right (despite how much I hate to admit that). 

This was none of my business; I would never ask the friend that is my age that question.  I also know it wouldn’t change the fact that I know my friend needs me for this big moment in their life and that even when planned parenthood is a crazy ride that you need all hands on deck for.  Because I know that our friendship often has a mother/child feel to it there is that part of me that still wants to know.  I think so I could be mad…. or maybe even more sad and worried then I am for them. 

I don’t want anyone reading this thinking I am saying my friend won’t be a good parent…of course they will.  They are excited to be welcoming this child into the world and doing everything they need to.  I think it is just the experience of knowing what it takes to raise a child when you have a good job, and a place to live, and financial security-I can’t imagine doing with without all of those things. 

Yet, then again as my hubby reminded me that is not my business.  It goes back to a post a made a long time ago. By being upset, by wanting to know, in a way I am judging them.  I am judging their choice.  Lets be honest here…in today’s day and age both consciously choosing to have a child and not using protection to prevent having a child is really not that different.  This friend has been through a lot in their life and I can honestly say has lived more of a “life” at their younger age then I have at mine.  Maybe this needs to be a case where I just follow my original gut instinct, the one I had when I found out this friend was expecting and that was to support them no matter what

In the end the truth is sort of irrelevant because come holiday time there will be a beautiful new baby to love and spoil.  A wee one whose mom and dad will still need a helping hand as all-new parents do…. and an occasional baby sitter who will steal that cute baby for snuggles!  I can’t wait for the baby snuggles…. because in the end it won’t matter whom they got here…just that they are here. So yeah...I guess the truth really  isn't  that important
There have been a ton of articles and posts recently about Robin Williams death.  A few last night and today have caught my eye.  Last night I read an amazing post by Liz over at Prior Fat Girl  and especially this article that I saw on Facebook this am .  If you haven't read this one yet, its short go read it.

So as soon as I saw the title on Facebook-Robin Williams didn't die of suicide I knew where he was going.  It was going to the place my mind did as soon as I heard the news he died last night.  It was news that was hard for me and my husband to hear.  It was news that was so sad and tragic but we got it.  To most people it is hard to understand Depression.  It is hard to understand how someone who was so funny, who had such a big bubbly personality, a comedian no less, could be Depressed.  Yet in this house we got it.  I heard a few people online talking about the "darkness" of depression.  I think that might be the best way to describe this illness.  Just darkness.  Just like when the sun sets at night that darkness starts out just at the farthest point of the horizon and before long the darkness engulfs the whole sky till the next morning when the sun breaks through.  Sadly for those who battle depression a lot of their life seems like you are waiting for the sun to rise and it never does.

Perhaps I need to be a little less metaphorical here.  As many of you know, if you haven't you will now. Papa Hunt has Depression. The kind that doesn't go away even when you really want it to.  The kind that doesn't care if you have a great job, a house, and the perfect family.  It only goes away with hard fucking work and medication.  When Papa Hunt's depression was it its worse I bet most people never knew.  His co-workers did not know, his students didn't know, his family didn't know, and his friends didn't know.  Why-becuase he and I covered it up.  Depression isn't something that means you are crying and on the floor and incapacitated.  For him it was going to work then coming home and not being able to function. It meant always being tried.  It meant huge mood changes.  Papa Hunt is loving, gentle, calm, and funny.  When his depression has set in-he is a mean asshole who can't get out of bed.  As much as I love him the times when he has been depressed there is no other words that to say he was a asshole.  I knew he was sick but it doesn't stop me from hating the person he was.  It took me (and him) a shitload of therapy to deal with how bad it got around her.

Thankfully he took the time to get help....a lot of hard work, good medicine, and learning how to live with his depression and things are good.  It doesn't mean that he doesn't work every day. It doesn't mean that we don't make sacrifices for that.  He needs a lot of sleep and down time to decompress to handle his stress.  Its hard sometimes.  Certain times things are harder to handle but it is always work.

It is hard to read about a famous man, beloved by so many, who that hard work became too much.  It is easy for us to understand this.  When you live it like my husband or you witness it up close like I have you realize just how this disease can sweep you up and the "darkness" can over take you.

Writing this is hard, reading abut Robin Williams is hard, seeing people's shocked reactions are hard.  Those who are shocked have not known anyone with serious depression-that is why they are shocked.  The people who are not shocked are the ones who know what a beast the "darkness" is.  

Its hard because for a brief moment I allow my head to go to that place that I often don't let it close was what happened to Robin Williams and his family to my life five years ago? Then reality hits-it was close and always will be.  We just need to make sure that we always work our asses off to keep the lights on in our house and keep the darkness out.

Day One of the building a better blog challenge has me thinking about how and what is this blog about.  You are suppose to think about how you would pitch/explain your blog to someone in a short amount of time.  I have spent a lot of time pissing and moaning about my weight and struggles but I felt I couldn't just write down that this blog is about my pissing and moaning.  I would then have to change the name of this blog to pissing and moaning etc.  So I spent some time brain storming what this blog is and come up with a tag line (something I could use in a signature to my posts-maybe I will have to learn how to create a signature).  Then to create and about me.  I swear I had an about me section of my blog but guess what....I don't.  So my next post o the blog is going to be my new about me post.  But I will leave you with my new tag line

ME-Mommy Etc
There is more to ME than being a Mom-that is just the most important part!

So ten years ago on July 10 I married my college sweetheart.  I was so young 24!  Looking back and giving advice to others I would say I was too young.  I wanted one thing for my wedding and that was to smile.  A few years prior I went to a wedding of a family friend and I remember thinking how happy the bride looked.  It was a miserable day, it poured, her dress got ruined, and she was so happy and had that big smile across her face.  I wanted that.  I didn't care about much else with my wedding I just wanted to be happy....and I was.  I thought that this was what marriage was going to big happy moment after the next.  Sometimes it is.....these ten years have been filled with many amazing moments.  We have had four dogs, two house, and two beautiful children-doesn't get much happier than that.  It has also been hard...the kind of hard that those vows are about-In sickness and in health. If you had told that 24 year old girl in the picture below that within five years she would have a sick husband and a baby to care for and a job with a boss who was a nightmare-she would have laughed because that wasn't in her plans.  Well real life hit and you know what....I am a better woman for it.  We have a better marriage because of our struggles.  It hasn't been easier that is for sure....I know many lesser a person who would have called it quits and cut their losses.  That girl ten years ago thought that she couldn't love that boy more than she did on her wedding day.  Well she was wrong...I loved that boy more on the days my children were born and the day we moved into our current house or the day he let me adopt another dog....but i also loved him more on boring days too.  The days where he loves my neurotic moments when I obsess about money, on the days he tell me I am beautiful and doesn't care that I am not the skinny girl in that picture below anymore.  The days when he tells me I am good mom when I feel like the worst one on the planet. Its those days that I realize that is what real marriage is...a friendship-a an agreement to love even the faults that you find out years later-a willingness to forgive those flaws and not run away.

I often joke that marriage and being a mom is different then the broucher (you know the one where everyone smiles and looks perfect in them).  If you told that girl ten years ago that her life would not be the brocher that it wouldn't even come close she wouldn't have believed you....and that is ok because the girl I am now knows the real deal and she is more than fine with the life that wasn't in the broacher...sometimes the things not featured on the menu are the best! 

So I will leave with saying to my hubby (who by the way doesn't read this blog) Happy Ten years!

10 Year Anniversary selfie

Us at a wedding a few days after our ten year-Look at us matching!

Ok so no laughing here.  But since I said I was going to try and get back to being me.  Lets talk about me for a second.  If there are any men that read this blog...I don't think there are...but if so-please if you know me in real life stop reading this now....

Ok so now that you totally still reading.  There is no secret that I have big boobs. I mean at my thinnest ever weight since I was 14 which was the week before I got married I was 70 pounds thinner than I am now and I still had a d cup.  Well finding a comfy bra is a pain in the ass.  I got big girls, they need to be locked and loaded at all time (no plunging bra for this girl...the giggle alone would be awe inspiring).  I like them locked and loaded so that if you saw me you would never think my boobs are the size that they are.  So I have found a few good options at Lane Bryant.  Problem is I need a padded/fully lined bra.  Not padded as in adding to my boobs...seriously people not that padding when I was running I need two bras on).  I want padding so that should my classroom be cold (no not the AC-that doesn't really work, I mean for the winter when the head doesn't work on the vent blows in air from outside when it is below zero).   I do not, I repeat do not want my students to pay attention to me because my nipples are distracting them from the front of the room.  I am more comfortable knowing that my nipple will never be appearing on some snap chat, twitter feed, instagram with a hashtag saying #huntsnips.  

So I am sure you wondering where this is going.  Well below are two samples of my bras, the first one is my typical "model" and the second is strapless (which is a frigging medieval torture devise by the way).  Look how big those things are.  I even but a book there for size reference.

So here is the issue....where the hell do I put them?????I mean I can get like two maybe four at most in my indie drawer of my dresser.  I don't have the space to put them in a bigger drawer.  I mean my bras take up more room that my sweaters in the winter.  Should I ask Papa Hunt to build me a special holding cell for them?? Should I string them across the room??? I don't want my kids to mistake them for some new Angry Birds launcher or some shit like that.

Those of you in my situation....or those of you creative enough.  What should I do for storage of these bad boys?  Maybe I need to go on twitter with the hashtag #tittyprobs
Somewhere along the way I lost my mo-jo for blogging.  I don't think my heart has really been into since shortly after I finished up my stint as a Mamavation Mom just over a year go.  I think life sort of kicked my ass this year.  Look back at a lot of my posts its a lot of whining and bitching, and I also see a lot of covering up.  Not coming to this space to say what was really going on because...well there were a 1000's becauses.  In my last post I said how I am super busy with keeping up with the kids, working, and doing grad work.  I think also my hiatus has been about the 20 pounds I have put on since this time last year.  Also for a girl who has been back at weight watchers for a few months, you think that weight would be gone.  Well it for me it doesn't come off as easy as my ass puts it on.  I keep hiding and feel ashamed about this and should.  Because well....shit-I shouldn't feel bad.  

So I have been working on a lot of good self talk lately.  Something that was a theme in one my recent WW meetings.  That we should never say to ourselves what we wouldn't say to others.  We should treat ourselves with respect...that includes who we talk to ourselves as well as how we treat our bodies.  That got me thinking.  I have been making a lot of positive changes in my life.  I have been working out regularly, I have been eating better, and getting more sleep.  I need to cut myself some slack about why am I not loosing more is what it is.  I also need to not binge eat...why because I would never allow a friend to binge drink, or do drug if it was hurting why do I allow that for myself.

Finally, I started to think about why this school year was so hard, why life at home was so hard.  It hit me...I was lost.  I was struggling with a new system that was judging me on the one thing that has always been a constant in my life that I knew I was good.  Now I was being a my students performance if I was good at what I do.  I floundered because I sort of lost that stabilizing thing in my life that in my darkest moments I went back to.  I am good at this...then I must be ok.  Silly I know to have this one thing be my anchor.  As things got worse at work, my weight began to creep up and with every pound and every pair of pants that stopped feeling comfortable or even fitting I felt worst and more lost.  I am a good pretended...only those who really know me knew it was bad.  So that is actually why I went back to weight watchers.  To try and figure shit out.  Grab hold of something and get myself out of this feeling lost.  It has taken my April, May and a most of June to start to feel less lost.  This time at home with my family, reading, working on school stuff, challenging my brain in graduate class it has helped.  But I have missed my blogging.  This place that was mine.  That was an outlet for me-being me.  Hell that is the name of this friggin blog.  So I think I really want to come back here.  Yet, I also don't want to feel that pressure of this having to be "something"  its really not anything more that a diary that I am too lazy to handwrite.

So to those of you still reading this excessively long you think that we as mother's get lost? Have you gotten lost?  What did you do to...I hate this expression "find yourself"

I don't want to call this a hiatus or a vacation...that makes it sound like I am going to be sitting around on my ass not doing anything.  I am going on a sabbatical-where there will be lots of work happening.  As I mentioned in my last post-things with my son are rough.  Although his sleeping has gotten better we are noticing other issues.  We finally called the doctor and have an appointment with our child psychologist.  Although I know this is a much needed step in the right direction it is still a very hard thing to walk through that door again.  So as much as I love my little blog, this little corner of world that is just mine-I have a lot of work that I need to focus on.

This school year has kicked my ass
The no sleep has kicked my ass
My family life has kicked my ass
My weight loss journey has been kicking my ass

So I am tired of feeling tired and beat up.  From today probably until summer I am getting down to business on kicking back.  I am going to focused on my family, my work, and getting my mental and physical well being where it needs to be.  Sadly that means I need to cut out all the non-essentials.  For me that is my blog, twitter, and most of facebook.  As much as I love these things they are not where my time needs to be.  I do have fun things to share (like a new venture in weigh loss that is going well and some amazing product reviews I haven't gotten to yet

    Please check out this great bible book for girls its amazing
    Also pick up these veggie fries-Amazing and GMO free

I promise when I get back they will get the full review they deserve

I may be back sooner, but right now I need to focus on my and my family and have to cut out all the extra.  I shall miss my little space but right now there are things that need my attention more.  I will you all when my sabbatical is over!
So I know that I have eluded to something going on at home and it isn't that I am embarrassed to share what it is, it is more that it is too hard for me often to talk about.  My son Master D has been suffering from some major anxiety.  It is something he has struggled with since he was about three and I know that I have mentioned this in the past on here but I have never really talked a lot about it.  Mainly because its not a big deal.  He has moments where his anxiety gets the better of him but we are well equipped now, thanks to a good therapist a few years ago, to handle his anxiety flair ups and we move on.  Well recently it has turned into a big deal.  My little guy has been struggling to sleep.  Not that annoying classic 6 year old I don't want to go to bed.  This is more than that.  For several weeks his sleeping has gone from a once a night pee break, to being awake hours on end.  I am not joking hours.  On the bad nights we are often up from 11:30-2 or 3 am.  

For a few weeks he was up constantly (like 15-20 times) saying he was scared or that he thought we loved his sister more than him.  Now at some level these are the things that he is thinking about but it is a classic anxiety moment.  I am anxious so I fixate on things.  It breaks my heart to see.  Our responses range from comfort, to threats, punishments, rewards, and there is always lots of tears.  His openly mine on my pillow as I stare at the clock wondering how can I teach 100 plus students on less than three hours of sleep.  The sleep issues ebb and flow. Some nights he is ok then others its is hours on end that he is up.  In fact last week we thought we had turned the corner on the issues and they started again.  His pediatrician agrees with our thought that these flare ups that involve sleep issues are related to growth spurts.  We noticed that when he has them he is eating more and often notice he is taller all of a sudden.  Yet, there is nothing definitive.  

I worry about him endlessly.  I can barely function how can he go to school and handle himself.  We have talked to his teacher and thankfully she has seen nothing behaviorally with him so that is a plus.  Yet, the lack of sleep and high levels of anxiety also make him super needy during the day.  Often we are so exhausted it is hard to meet his needs during the day.  Our parents have been helping out and we have been taking turn taking naps and sleeping in on the weekends.  I was so tired two weeks ago I had to take a day off just to sleep because I could feel I was at that point of breaking.  We will probably return to the child therapist should this continue for much long for a few more pointers on how to help our little guy.

It is just I am so exhausted it makes it hard to function.  It makes it hard to focus on my job and do all that I need to be doing in a really rough year for teachers in my district.  It makes it hard to eat right and exercise when I am so physically tired I hurt.  It is hard to think about healthy food and plan and workout when all I want is to lay my head down and rest.   It makes it hard to do those things even that I enjoy like blogging, twitter, or even knitting.  There are nights after the kids go to bed that I just sit on the couch…not because I want to but getting up is overwhelming (don't get all worried that I am depressed-nope just fucking tired).  The worst part is the sheer exhaustion is making it hard for me to do the things I know my son needs.    Which is endless patience, extra hugs and love, and more attention to get him through this rough patch.  Also, don't even get my started on how this leaves Miss J out in the cold in terms of getting her needs met attention wise

Yet there is another part of this that is crippling…and that is the guilt.  You all know I have been open about my eating issue….why do I have eating issues?… cope with my anxiety.  It kills me because as psychology teacher I know that a lot of anxiety issues are genetic so I feel guilty that this is all me.  I feel guilty in those moments where Dy is experiencing an anxiety moment/attack and the best thing as a mother I can do it let him work through it.  I know what it feels like in those anxious moments and how you feel like you are going to come out of your skin. All I want to do is scoop him up and make it better and I can't.  If anything my own therapy has taught me is that the best thing you can do when you have anxiety is to figure out how to cope.  As a child I had sleep issues and I joke that this is payback for what I did to my parents.  For me I wish that was just it….this is like a form of torture.  Why?  Because I remember what it was like to sit in my bed and have those same fears that he has, to feel the same way he does, and it kills me.  I know that the best thing for him is to help him learn to work through this in a healthy manner so that he can learn some coping skills, but it is hard.  It is breaking me…I am worn so thin.  Between the lack of sleep, the stress and guilt of the worry, and the regular demands of being a working mom has me in survival mode.

Those of you who know me in real life.  This is why I am not as social and why I am often hiding in my classroom or not really talking too much.   It is why I am not loosing any weight or talking about running much-I can't even think about those things yet.  Those friends and supporters online this is why as of late I have "gone dark" on the Internet.  I am hanging on desperately.  I know that this will get better, it did the last time he was struggling like this.  Just last time the other parts of my life were not as much of a mess.  

Please don't worry though-this was more of a need to get it out kind of thing rather than a I need saving sort of thing.  Although I wouldn't turn my nose up a virtual hugs or real life cups of coffee (or a pillow and a blanket for during my prep period on my classroom).  I hope all of my readers are fairing a wee bit better than myself.  

First and foremost let me say how glad I am to be back…both in the sense of Mamavation and in the sense that I feel like I have my head in the game.  The powers that be over at Mamavation decided to bring back the weekly blogging carnival and I am super excited.  I like that I need post weekly but I also like the inspiration that I get from those who post.

So this week's focus is goals or the dreaded New Year's Resolution.  This year I am being bold…no goals with timelines (I always get discouraged over not meeting them) No weightless Goal (its more than a number on the scale) No disappointments over not making my goals.  This year there is just one goal…one focus for 2014…..The Year of ME!  I don't mean this in a super conceded its all about me way…but that my focus needs to be on me.  My actual goal is to be Kind and Good to myself.  What that looks like in practice

1.  I will be kind in how I speak to myself….no more hating and disappointment (This of course will be the hardest thing for me

2.  I will put food into my body so that it can run and feel good (Clean foods and no dairy since I eat it and it kills my stomach)

3.  I will move my body so that I feel healthy and strong

4.  I will take time for myself and the pursuits that I enjoy (more time blogging, knitting,  journaling)so that I am a happy mom and wife

5.   I will opt out of work Drama.  This means the Drama of feeling left when not invited to things and not getting inside jokes (I need to edit this and add in some clarification-thanks Lexy for the reminder).  I know that this drama is 99% in my head….no one makes me feel left out I make myself feel this way and am sick of the self inflicted drama..  No Drama about things at work beyond my control (I will always fight for my students but some of the Drama I can opt out of).  My job is that…a job. I am a good person who is good at my job there doesn't need to be Drama.

In general I just want to spend some time rediscovering who I am.  I think often as a Mother, Teacher, and Wife I get lost in those roles and the real me gets buried.  That persons needs and desires gets lost in favor of everyone and everything else.  My hope and goal for 2014 is get back to being ME.  Which if you look at the title of my blog….that is what this place and space is all about.

So I am wishing all of you…My Mamavation Family, My readers, and My real life friends and family who read this a very Happy New Year!  Enjoy all the promise that a New Year brings!
I know I have been a bit sporadic in posting and I wanted to stop by and wish anyone who still reads this little blog of mine a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am going to leave you with a few things I am especially thankful for this year

-My children who are healthy-I know not everyone has the luxury of saying that
-I am lucky for a husband who puts up with my level of crazy
-I am thankful for a job, although very demanding, that I take great joy in
-I am lucky to have co-workers who are funny, intelligent, and caring and make the bad days always better
-I am so thankful for a house full of people who should be arriving soon.  I have always dreamed of huge thanksgivings filled with family.  Today is truly a dream come true.
-Lastly, I am thankful the Mamavation and CT-Moms who have given me an opportunity to be part of their communities and write for them.  If you told me when I was 16 that I would enjoy writing I would have called you crazy.

So I hope you are all enjoying your day and I will leave with a few pics of my little turkeys

My little Miss J

Master J-Enjoy a last trip to the beach  
Pumpkin picking this fall 

So it has taken me awhile to post...well because this was hard to talk about.  I cried at work this week...not ugly cry....but the I am so pissed off and really want to drop a bunch of F-bombs so crying seemed like the only option (clearly that is way more professional than swearing).  So a wee background about this incident.  In our school, like all in CT, are going through a huge transition in our evaluation system.  We are moving in the direction that many of those in power feel is the right way to go.  That way is basically to have teachers prove they are doing their job.  In theory this sounds reasonable-make sure teachers are doing a good job so you can get rid of the bad ones.  No objections here.  The problem comes in how you decide I am doing my job...teaching is not like any other job.  You can't really assess it because it is more art than science....I don't make widgets I teacher 120 uniquely different students.  So anywho....the way that we are assessed is tremendously complicated that even after several day long meetings the formula that is used to decided if I get to keep my job or not is scary complex.  At that heart of it is proving that I have taught my students skill (not subject matter) from the start of the year to the end.  This involves a tremendous amount of testing, record keeping, data sorting, and no like like 12 forms.  All of which take hours-again literally hours- to fill out.

So just as I am finally getting my head above water....we had all of these forms, parent conferences, as well as grades closing on the same week THE FORM hit.  Now granted this form is not as complex as the others but months prior our principal promised (I even wrote the date down because I was shocked he said we wouldn't have to) that we would not have to keep forms on our daily meetings.  Well guess a meeting on Monday we were told we have to fill out a form daily (yes every day) on what we do in this meeting.  For a business person this would be equivalent of filling out a full page form every time you had a meeting with a co-worker on a project and answering five questions about what you did.  It is making us justify every minute spent as though I have the time to dick around and waste precious time.  I swear I want to write on the form "I filled out the 100 other friggin forms you gave me today" and write that every day for a month.  SERIOUSLY.  So everyone is starting to panic at our meeting about another form and I raise my hand and start to say "Can this wait, can it be modified....this is too much" and I well up.  It was embarrassing but it was how I felt.  It was true raw emotion the kind that is so strong you just can't hide it.

Well needless to say....the aftermath of that moment was interesting.  Many colleagues came up to me and expressed not only concern that I was upset, but more than that many of them said "THANK YOU".  You said and showed exactly how I felt.  Another colleague said he was watching me and it made him so sad because he could see me break.  It was that moment where you can't take anymore and you just fall apart.  Another friend gave me this...she said I earned it.  I joked and asked if I was part of the club "Bitches who cried at work club" she said yeah sort of.

The other aftermath...the one that stings a bit is two of the "head" people at that meeting although they are superiors I am close with an neither of them has asked me how I was doing or even made reference to what happened.  I don't know if perhaps it is embarrassing for them as it is for me.  I know that this was not their form....they are just following the party line as we call it.  Yet, to not follow up with me stings. Then again perhaps no follow up is better than the "that wasn't appropriate" follow up.

For me the aftermath has been hard....I am a girl who loves her job.  I have loved almost every day of my 11 years at my school.  That form, that moment made me realize the job as I knew it is over.  My husband a future school administrator said to me today "You need to realize this is how it is going to be and if your ass can't take the heat get out of the fire."  That hurt.....but it made me realize the reality of this situation.  I love what I do.....I believe in what I do......I love and believe more than I hate all those fucking forms.  I know I am a good teacher, I know what I do matters, and I know in my heart I can cry all I want those forms aren't going away.  So as pissed and angry and sad as I am.....I choose what I love more.  I love my students and they are worth the stress, the aggravation, and the 9,999 shitty forms I have to fill out to continue to do what I love.

So from now on I am going to try my best to always choose love over frustration, anger, and stress.  It doesn't mean it will happen but if I try and always remember what I love...maybe it will make my back a little stronger so it doesn't break so easily.
The start of this school year has been overwhelming to say the least.  I plan to write a more adequate most on this when I have the time.  There are some years that start with nothing major and there are others where it takes every ounce of energy I have just to stay afloat....this is one of those crazy starts.  Add to that a first grader and my daughter going to pre school full time.  Although she loves it she misses her Mama so there is lots of snuggling and momma time needed.  Basically that means that my online life has had to come to a screaming halt.  Although I have lots to blog about, great reviews of books and products to post....sadly that can not be my priority right now.  My family and my kids (the school ones) need to be number one.  I should be back and blogging soon and thanks for hanging in during this radio silence.
So my girls over at Mamavation offered me an amazing review and then giveaway a ONE YEAR free subscription to My FitU.  I am was so excited about this because I have been entering giveaways for a month or two trying to win myself a subscription to this amazing service.  So lets take a  minute and let this soak in...a one year free subscription for my blogger readers....SWEET!!!!!!!

Ok moving on now to what My FitU is!  Basically it is a personal trainer who lives in your phone, Ipad, or computer.  When you sign up  you fill out some basic information including the usual age, weight, etc as well as fitness level and where you mostly work out.  My Fit U then created a fitness AND (yes I said and) menu plan for you to follow to help you reach your fitness goal.  This isn't just for someone trying to loose weight like me, it can be for people with various fitness goals.  Once you are set up you can access your plans from online or the app feature.  I am going to walk you through some of my plan (FYI these are screen shots from my phone app so should you do it on a computer it may look different).

When you log on for the day you are greeted with this....Love that it is helping you keep track of what is going on with your life. 

Once you have entered this you can go to your menu plan or your fitness plan.  Below is what your fitness plan looks like once you have clicked on it.

What I liked about the fitness plan is that not only does it have a video that goes long with it you see that button all the way to the right...that allows you to swap out an activity if it is too hard for you or if you do not have the equipment at home.  For example I swapped out a kettle ball routine for the inch worm because I don't have a kettle ball at home.

Above is a screen shop of the video.  Each exercise has a description of how to do the exercise, how long/how many reps, and the video for you to watch.  Basically everything a personal trainer would explain or keep track of for you if you were at the gym.  Also, you can't see it from this screen shot but the app also allows you to choose which music from your iPhone that you will be listening too.

Now above is one of what I thought was the best features of this idiots guide of how not to hurt yourself.  I thought this was great especially for someone like me who is a beginner at strength training who might not know what good form should look like.  I don't think you would be looking at these videos for everything but if you are trying out a new exercise and want to make sure that not only are you doing it right but that you aren't going to injury yourself.

Finally, the last really great part of this program was the meal plans.  Now since I am doing weight watchers I wouldn't follow these plans exactly but there were many, many great recipes on the site and some really good menu plans.  For someone who isn't doing weight watchers this is the perfect thing.  Not only does it tell you how many calories to eat, it is giving nice balanced meals with portion sizes and best of all RECIPES!!!!!!!   So what you have below are screen shots of the menu plan and a few recipes.

Ok so clearly you can tell that I love this program and I am sure lucky to be able to try it out....thanks again Mamavation and My FitU for that opportunity.  Now if you are interested please enter my giveaway below!  But if you can't wait another amazing feature of My FitU is that they offer a free trial with no credit card required.  NO SERIOUSLY NO CREDIT CARD!!! Just your info and email, how sweet is that!  Also, how can other places not figure out how to do this!  

Anyways....come on and enter this is a great fitness opportunity!  Also, if you don't win go sign up for the trial and consider the paid is nothing if you consider the cost of not only a diet plan and trainer would cost in real life.  In fact, I feel the program is very inexpensive for what you get. So come on enter and head over to My FitU and sign up for your free trial now!

a Rafflecopter giveaway
So I am finally getting around to posting this....better late than never right!  So as many of you know here in CT a few weeks ago we got a Blizzard, I mean full fledged blizzard.  Well being a teacher I thought how great a day or two at home with the kids and playing in the snow while the hubby snowblowed.  WRONG!!!! It turned into three days home from school (five days in a row because of a weekend) and the snow blower died ten minutes into the clean up.  I am sturdy girl and was like hey no big deal we can shovel....WRONG.  Three feet of snow is impossible for someone who is only five feet tall to shovel because soon the snow piles were taller than me.  We have a relatively small driveway and it took us two days to clean our driveway and that included five hours for the hubby and three for me on day one, and three hours from hubby and two from me on day two.  The first day I wore my heart rate monitor and burned over 1400 calories.  I can honestly say other than gestating my babies and then birthing them....this was truly my greatest physical feat to date!  I have never worked so hard it was awe inspiring how much snow we had!  So I figured with all this moaning (notice I didn't swear my lent no swearing thing is going ok) you would want some visuals, so here you go.

View out to the deck-Yup the snow is up to the top of the grill.  It was as high as the door handle

This is hard to see but this is the walk that was shoveled so the dogs could go out.  For perspective look at the mailboxes

Here is me trying to look good while busting my rump shoveling.  That pile behind me was well over my head.  This is why it was so hard to shovel it because each shovel full had to be lifted over my head onto the pile 

This is my folks SUV-Its parked here because they were on a cruise in the carrivean while the blizzard happened.  You literally had to dig the car doors out it was so high.  Not going to lie this was the last thing we did and when I reached the car I cried because it mean we were almost done
Now I know a lot of people especially those who are dieting have a tendency to give up goodies etc.  I have tried this and always fail-mainly because my birthday falls during lent so I want to eat chocolate or cake on my birthday.  Lets be honest I want it all the time but I will settle for my birthday and a few other special days.  I have often said I am going to do something and give something up.  So for me this is what I am doing.

    1.  I am giving up swearing.  I don't swear a lot on here because  well swearing isn't for everyone.  Yet, I do it a lot in my real life....a lot.  Now of course I don't do it in front of my students and I don't do it in front of my kids, but every other second of the day.  Yup-That's me with the gutter mouth.  So I decided that perhaps as an educated adult I do not need to use those words all the time and perhaps I should be saving them for choice occasions.  So I figured let me see how I can do.  I will give up swearing for the 40 days of lent (don't worry I won't defile the sanctity of Easter by filling an Easter basket with swear words!).  Every time I swear, I but a buck in my crystal bowl-see below.  The first day wasn't so bad there is only two dollars in there.  I am hoping that as time goes on there won't be too many in there at the end

2.  The second thing I am going to do for lent is track.  I promised myself, the good the bad, the ugly, and maybe even some good days too, I am going to track.  Why-because I need to do.  I am good at tracking on my good days of eating, its those bad days I am not so good at.  I figured I will use the new tools on WW and even if I don't know the points snap a picture of it and estimate the points so I can at least be accountable.  So far so good with this one.  I will give you a post lent update. 
Here's to 40 days of no potty mouth and 40 days of tracking!
Momma Hunt
So as I have discussed before I have been spending a lot of time working on figuring out who I really am.  After so much needed time with a qualified professional (Aka Doc C) I have come to the conclusion that for a large portion of my life I have pretended to be something that I am not.   I was always pretending because I so disliked myself that I pretended to be perfect, always happy so that I would be sure people would like me...well over the past few months I have realized that it is better to be myself flaws and all then be something that I am not.

So that brings us up to a few weekends ago when my college best friend Dave married the most amazing and wonderful woman Tammy.  While at the wedding I got to spend the weekend with some of my old college friends who were all Dave's groomsmen.  I was lucky enough to be asked to do a reading at their wedding.  Although I was nervous to go up and see everyone (some of these guys I hadn't seen in over 8 years) after ten minutes I realized it was just like it had always been.  These were amazing men (now with their amazing wives, one of whom was a college roommate of mine).  These were the guys who always made me laugh, were always there more me, and were friends of a lifetime.  Especially Dave, who to this day is hands down the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met (don't tell my hubby that he isn't number one on the list, he runs a close second).  As I went to say goodbye to everyone after a weekend of fun I get very emotional and began to what I lovingly refer to as "Pussy Cry" (aka cry so hard your nose starts to pour snot).  Not only because I would miss Dave and the rest of the guys but because it hit me in that moment...they would have liked the real me.  The completely imperfect me, the crazy one that says stupid stuff, that sometimes eats her troubles away, who sometimes hates herself...they would have still been my friends, they still would have loved me just the way I was.  I didn't have to hide, I didn't have to pretend....they were those amazing people who would have loved me for me.  It breaks my heart in a way that I didn't realize it then, that I didn't trust them or myself enough back then to be myself around them.  Especially Dave, who whether he knows it or not helped me through some of the hardest times of my life.  So to those guys, their wives, and especially Dave and is wonderful new wife Tammy...thank you so much for a great weekend and allowing me to be myself...I just wished I had given you the chance sooner

Oh and here are some pictures from the wedding.  First one is of me and Dave and the second one is Dave and Tammy (aka the kind of girl I always hoped my college BFF would meet and marry)

Congrats Dave and Tammy hope you have a lifetime of happiness.
Momma Hunt
As I was enjoying this weekend with my family I realized that much like the founders of our nation, I am declaring my independence as.  A bit cheesy I know but I am a history teacher so if I am going to be cheesy about anything let it be history analogies right!   I am declaring my independence from being someone I am being being me.  Now if only I knew who the hell that is!

To go along with my most recent post I have also decided to work on figuring out who I am this summer.  I have realized that I have spent much of my life pretending to be something that I am not.  Any of my readers who read my entry for future prior fat girl nomination I mentioned this in my nomination.  I have spent way to much of my life pretending to be things I am it confident, or happy, or always trying to please others and pretending to like things I don't or be a team player when my heart says stand up and speak out.  I have decided (much like the US did in 1776) that I have had enough.  That I need to be free of being some (please excuse my potty mouth) a fake ass bitch.  I know that the people who love me and matter to me will love me no matter what.  They will be willing to work through this process of self discovery with me.  I also think my immediate family will be better off with me knowing who I am.

Now I am not going to pretend that this is some easy thing to do.  I have spent most of my adult, and teenage years too, faking it.  So my goal for this summer is to begin to figure out who the real me is. Flaws and all.  To realize that I don't have to hide behind humor, of a always present smile, or worst of all food.  I know that I can express my emotions.  Say what I believe.  Enjoy that freedom that is what is my god given right and privilege as an American.   Yet, I know that just like in American History there will be mistakes (Hello Civil War and Vietnam) but perhaps that is what makes American and me perfect....we are both perfectly, imperfect