I have always struggled my whole life feeling like I am not one of the cool kids.  I am sure a lot of you, especially those of you who struggle with your weight have felt this too.  I am always doubting, and have been since I was a kid, if I fit in.  Now almost 15 years later I can look back and high school and go.....what was I worried about.  I had friends, good friends.  I had lots of acquaintances, I did lots of activities.  Hell I was class president and the friggin prom queen (I plus sized prom queen, but queen never the less).  Spending my life in high school I know you don't get to be class president or prom queen because you are a social outcast that everyone hates.  Yet, I always worried if so and so liked me (both boys and girls),  I still sometimes feel that way now.

I joke, but sadly it isn't a joke, my high school is like high school all over again.  The adults are very clique.  It is like there is a cool kids club.  Individually all of these people are amazing and wonderful people and would never in a moment every think to exclude people or make them feel left out....it is just something that naturally happens.  Then add to that someone who is ultra sensitive like me...it makes me feel like I am in fucking high school all over again.  For me this has been a struggle.  Since Chics don't do history.....with the exception of one girl my immediate 13 coworkers are all male.  So I get left out a lot of their activities (and i am being honest i have no desire to play golf, drink beer, or bowl....ever) but then there is another group.  A group in which I am friends with almost everyone individually, but never feel like an insider.  It isn't something malicious, it just happens.  I have a busy life, I have two kids, a husband who on occasion suffers from depression, and I am involved in a lot of school stuff.  Most days I don't care about not being included in inside jokes or missed invites.  Yet, other times I care a lot.  Recently something happened (nothing bad just a small thing) that made me feel like I wasn't a cool kid, that I was an outsider.  I hate that feeling and I know if the people I worked with every knew that their actions made me or anyone else feel bad they would be devastated....they are not mean people they are just the adults who were the cool kids in high school who never knew what it was like to be the outsider-they don't know what one small inside joke can make a person feel so left out.

I know I shouldn't feel this way because just as in high school I am well liked and have great friends at my job.  Some of these cool kids are in that group.  More than that I have my mommy friends.  My girl friends who are like me.....surfing on the outside of the cool kids not necessarily wanting to be part of the group, but not liking being left out either.  Maybe what I need to realize is what I did 15 years too late about high school.  I don't need to be part of the cool kid group...in fact those people aren't the ones I liked spending time with....the people I enjoyed are the other people standing around outside the cool kid group who are the best.  Those were my friends in high school and maybe I need to do what I never did in High school which is to say Fuck it-I don't ever need to fit in because none of those people who matter-who matters is my family and those friends who really know me and care-Those who I have inside jokes with, the ones I take swimming lessons with in the summer, those who call me to tell me about embarrassing moments at puppy class because I would understand.  Those are the folks that are important.  Those are who matter.....not the cool kids who in reality aren't as cool as I think they are!
2 Responses
  1. Jen Says:

    Hugs. The "cool kids" could never be so brave and honest... That makes you less "cool" and more rock star.

  2. Very similar feelings...putting the family first instead of dwelling!

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