So for over a month now I have been broken up with weight watchers.  My weight has gone up a bit and down a bit but has stayed relatively the same.  I was so scared that if i stopped weight watchers if I stopped obsessing about calories, if I stopped being obsessed with my food in take and exercise that I would clearly balloon up 40 pounds instantly.  Am I happy that I haven't lost any weight in six weeks, well hells yes.  Yet, in the spirit of honest I am not really trying.  I am getting used to trusting myself.  Learning to be ok where I am.  At some level that is a lesson I need to learn.  That I am beautiful now at over 200 pounds just as I was when I was 160.  That I can't spend my life wishing I was a number on the scale or a size in clothes.  I know the truth, I wasn't happy when I was a size 10 and 160 pounds I wanted more-I know that the first step to really being happy is being happy as I am.  The next step is working on healthy.  For me that is eating cleaner (cutting the shit food out and focusing on healthy natural foods) and exercising on a regular basis.  I want to use the summer to create some better habits to head into this school year.  I had really wanted to be heading out of the 200 for when school starts, but if I can learn to enjoy my life as I am now, enjoy my time with my babies, and begin to set a great example for them...in reality that is more important them some stupid ass number on the scale.  I am not saying that 200+ pounds is healthy...its not.  But what is more unhealthy is always being obsessed with food and weight.  So here I am standing still and that is ok.  I did weight watchers, I did obsessive clean eating, I did counting calories and for August 1, 2011-to now I have gotten to about 7 pounds lighter than I am now...the difference I am not beating myself up with every "choice" I make.  Kelly over at http://www.curvyfitgirl.com/ mentioned what she was not willing to give up in her journey.  I said I could never give up coffee....but for me I have realized it is not what I won't give up as much as what I need to give up....What I need to give up is the obsession that has run my life for as long as I know.  The quest to be something other than what I am right now.  That needs to go...the weight that will come off in time.  I have to trust with modifying my eating habits slowly but surely, exercising regularly, and finding a happy balance in life will ultimately lead to a thinner me...but for now I need to be ok holding still.  
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